ABORTION CONCERN: My Body, My Voice! Women's Abortion Stories

Abortion Story: Casey* (Australia)

2011-10-12T09:26:00.002+13:00

I was 16 and in love. When we found out, I was scared to tell my mum as she had raised me alone and I knew she would feel angry.

I was going to a Catholic school and the shame of being a pregnant teen in my last year of school was too much.

As much as I loved that there was “our” baby growing inside of me, I felt scared of how much it would hurt, and whether I could handle it. I'd heard horror stories of births, and didn't know if I could survive.

When we did finally tell my mum, she organized an abortion. I cried and cried, but they kept telling me, “I was a child having a child” and that there would be plenty of chance for that later.

I'll never forget the day, or how empty I felt after it. I had extreme pain, bled for days, and laid there alone.

My boyfriend couldn't handle it, and went away for a holiday! It destroyed our relationship as he could never talk about it, and it was all I could talk about.

I became withdrawn depressed and hateful at the world that took this precious baby from me. I hated myself for letting it happen, and not running away. I hated my boyfriend for not defending me. Basically I hated everyone.

I went from one of the most popular girls at school to a sad hard unapproachable rebel. Two years later, I fell pregnant to the same boy, and this time knew I couldn't abort but ended up losing the baby anyway with an ectoptic pregnancy. This is one side effect of abortion I found out later it can damage your fallopian tubes and now at 18 I had 50 percent chance of ever having children!

Later that same year I had to have another operation for cervical cancer. I thought my life was over at 18! No-one talked to me about it. I felt ashamed and so remorseful, but knew there was nothing I could ever do to reverse what I'd done. No-one ever encouraged me to go through with it and, maybe, adopt it out, or offered any help.

I felt pushed into something I didn't really want, and the ones who pushed me didn't have to live with the emotional pain and physical consequences that carried on for many years.

I am now 50, and still feel as passionately against this happening to anyone.

Being pregnant is a gift. Sometimes, it's just not wrapped the way we expected and there's so many hormones flying around when you're first pregnant that you just can't think straight! It's the strongest bond on earth, between a mother and child, and nothing should sever that on purpose.

My story ended happy... I found a very strong faith through it all, and went on to have 2 amazing sons and and a long marriage, but it was only the grace of God that I survived because had I not found where I could turn to.

I think my entire life could have been hinged to devastation on that one bad decision that I was too young to make.

I've worked through it and you learn to forgive, but it took many decades.

I would always open my home to anyone who needed support to make the decision to have their baby.

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Beverley* (South Africa)

2011-09-28T09:02:00.005+13:00

My story started when I was 5 years old. My father molested me for 11 years until he was arrested, when I was 16.

My father was always so posessive over me, so I was not allowed to date any boys. I did have a boyfriend at school, but my parents did not know. I never invited them to my house.

So, I finished school and my dad returned home from prison. I was working, but he wanted my money.

I decided to leave home and live with my then boyfriend. I married him out [of] guilt of living together, we got divorced after 8 years. I went back to him and I fell pregnant. At the time he did not have a job, I started a new job and my friend just said “do it”, she did not even think to help me financially.

I was scared and I felt I could not ask my family for help, I was really so scared and I was worried. I can't believe that I was so stupid. If I knew what impact this would have, I would have not done it.

I have learned a valuable lesson, never make a decision before you have spoken to God. Also, never rely on people, if God wanted you to have a baby, He would make a way!

I thought that I would not be able to afford it and that people would think badly of me, and that I would be fired (perhaps they thought I was telling lies).

I remarried a wonderful man, however he has fertility issues, but I am praying everyday that we can have a baby, that God gives me a second chance!

Anybody thinking of doing it, please please don't! I know that God has forgiven me and there is hope! I find it hard to not think about it and I wished that someone warned me and told me not to!

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Anna* (United States)

2011-07-27T14:40:00.001+12:00

My 34 year old husband was cheating on my with a 16 year old girl. We had 5 children, the twins were 1 year old. The affair went on for over a year before I found out.

I told him I would forgive him. I told him there were more people in our marriage than just me and him, we had 5 kids to consider. And yet, he walked out of our lives. That was June.

By February he had started visiting the kids. I was so lonely and so when he told me how much he missed me I believed him. The night of February 13th I made a terrible mistake.

A week later, I met my now husband. He was wonderful and loved me and my children like my husband never had. At the end of March, I knew I was pregnant, and I knew it was my estranged husband's child. I showed up at my boyfriends apartment crying and said "could you please hug me, because when I tell you what I have to tell you, you will never speak to me again." And so when I told him, he was very understanding. But I knew what I felt like a had to do, and deep down I knew what my boyfriend wanted me to do. He didn't have to tell me.

But, to this day I think about that baby and wonder who he would have been. And it hurts my heart to the core. I am not the mistake that I made. And I pray every night God forgives me for my weakness.

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Nessy (United States)

2011-07-27T10:07:00.004+12:00

I will never forget. I never know when I will break down. My baby, I am sorry please forgive me. That day was indescribable it was like I was in a fog. I knew I didn't want to and neither did he, but for that lack of communication a wrong decision was made. It was so cold, all I wanted to do was run out of there, but I was frozen in place. I will never know what happened but I woke up with bruises on my arms, I must of been fighting for my baby. If God will just grant me another dream so I can be content. Who am I fooling? Another will never be enough. You there are not alone, you never were...

Abortion Story: Belle (United States)

2011-07-09T11:33:00.001+12:00

I have a back ground. But that doesn't matter. I could tell you that I am from a family that loves and cares about me, but that's what belonging to a family is all about.

I dated my first love and first real relationship for a year and a half. Our relationship wasn't perfect, but it was something that was mine, and when in the past I failed to get the attention of boys that I liked, he made up for all of my past failures.

We didn't live in the same city and this was ultimately our downfall. We both had work and school to deal with and it was hard to get our priorities straight. But sometimes we have those people that you can't let go of, and will always be there no matter what. He was that for me. No matter how bad things got, he was my safety net. I hate sleeping with people I'm not dating. It makes me feel bad about myself, and while we weren't dating, this was a way for me to have a tiny thread of our relationship, and I needed that.

This summer hit an all time low, and we were fighting all the time. I found out I was pregnant and called him right away. He always promised me that no matter what he would be there for me, but the night that I found out I was having his child, he refused to come over. He said he needed time. My whole world was falling apart and I had to go through it alone.

The next day I asked him to come over so that we could talk about things and what we were going to do. He asked if there was really any choice. We are both 21 and have a couple years left of college. He is planning on relocating for his job at the end of the summer. He wanted me to have an abortion and talked me into it right away. I cried when he told me not to tell anyone. I wanted someone to be there for me. His social support skills seemed to lack and I needed to talk. Every time I mentioned keeping the baby he gave me multiple reasons why we couldn't.

I make the appointment at the clinic the next day. There was a week that I got to be pregnant. I told my best friend and laughed and cried with her about it.

In the back of my mind I always thought about keeping it. I loved being pregnant. Even throwing up was ok, because I knew that it was real. I still loved the baby's father, and even though I knew that we couldn't be together, I knew that he would be a great father. The only thing that was holding me back was his disapproval, and knowing that my parents wouldn't support me at all. They would disown me, and probably stop speaking to me.

When I went to the clinic for my first appointment, I was nervous. I was alone, and I was scared. People were laughing and had their boyfriends with them. I felt so secluded.

When the receptionist asked me what kind of abortion I wanted to have, I started crying immediately, and didn't stop until leaving the office. I saw the ultra sound and got a picture. I needed proof that this was real.

The clinic wanted to do everything in a group, but I demanded to be alone. I didn't want to have to talk to anyone. I went through with the medical abortion. It was the worst day of my life, but not because of the pain. I thought that I deserved more pain that what I actually suffered. I stayed at my ex boyfriends place while he was at work. He wasn't there but was supportive.

Now that it's over, I have regrets and anger. I am angry at myself for not standing up for what I wanted and letting someone influence me on such a big decision. I hate that I am not pregnant anymore. I feel lost, and alone. I have a secret that no one else knows and will never know. My friends don't understand why I want to be left alone, and my normal happy demeanor is now extinct. I want to be happy again, but it's hard to get out of bed. The videos at the clinic all depict the women who make this decision to feel relief and back to normal. I feel none of those things. Just like a horrible person.

Abortion Story: Kimberly (United States)

2011-06-27T12:29:00.002+12:00

I am 19 years old and I was pretty much forced to have an abortion. I had no choice. When I got pregnant I was still 18 and my boyfriend is 17. We have been dating for almost 2 years. When I found out I was pregnant, we told my boyfriend's father first; he was reasonable and supportive. Then we told my parents, who were disappointed and upset, but supportive. Last we told his mom, because there was never really a time we could sit her down and tell her; she was always busy. She was so upset but she told us she would be supportive in any decision I made.

I wanted to keep the baby, because I do not believe abortion was the right solution. Within that same week she kept talking and yelling at me to get an abortion that it would be better for my boyfriend and my future and that if we got the abortion she would let us get married after his graduation and that she saw me as her daughter and she loved me and wanted what was best for me. She said she was only looking out for me and him.

My answer was still no.

For the next 3 days she kept doing it, yelling at me, telling me to do it. She looked up a clinic online. She came to my house and exploded telling me if I didn't get an abortion she'd take my boyfriend and move away (since he's still a minor he'd have to go) and that she wouldn't support the baby.

I was devastated and I couldn't believe this. She was yelling at my mom, and blaming me saying I got pregnant on purpose to keep him and tie him down. She was verbally hurting my mom and dad, boyfriend and me. So I told her I would do it, but I was so upset by this because I felt I had no other choice. I asked her what about adoption, she said NO! if I put it up for adoption she'd fight for the baby and take it from me and raise it on her own. (Which made no sense, why couldn't I keep it then?)

So I had to cry and call and make an appointment. She took me and paid for the abortion. Afterwards I cried, I was so ashamed but I did this for my boyfriend and my family and his family (my parents can't afford a baby right now either and his didn't want to help there was no way I could provide for it on my own).

I felt so selfish and stupid. I cried so much, I had to recover at her house that day after the operation. A day later, I went home.

She told my boyfriend to break up with me and to move away with her because I planned this and I was bad and that I am manipulative for crying like a “baby” yesterday. (Hello?! I lost my baby, I felt like I had no choice. Of course I'd cry.)

She said she doesn't want me over, and if I do I have to leave early. She is making this like it was all my fault, that he had nothing to do with it, and the abortion already happened. She is still trying to fight. Why? I did what she wanted. I regret it and hate it, but I did it and she's saying she wants us to break up? What about us getting married? I am so hurt and I cannot believe this is happening.

This all happened in 1 week. I had no time to decide, think or anything. The decision was made from the beginning for me.

Abortion Story: Hilary* (United States)

2011-06-26T19:34:00.004+12:00

I am 21 years old, been married to my husband for 2 years now. I'm a military wife. I have a beautiful, 1 year-old boy.

My husband and I were trying for a second baby and we wanted one so badly. I found out great news a month later that I was having a baby. We were all soo happy; I was glowing so much.

Then I was really sick everyday, non-stop. I lost 15 pounds and I was only 6 1/2 weeks. I was too weak, too sick, to take care of my son. I've never felt like that before. I was in and out of the ER. I was so bad that I looked in my son's eyes and, when he called out for mommy, I couldn't get up to play with him like I always would.

So, one day I made a really dumb decision. I got an abortion. It haunts me everyday. I was too weak when I know I could have been stronger. If only I just held on. I would do anything to turn back time. Looking at that ultrasound kills me. I miss my baby girl. I was only 7 weeks and 4 days when I got it, but in my heart I felt that it was a girl. I just want her back! I'm so stupid... please I just want her back!

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Mel (New Zealand)

2011-06-19T19:56:00.004+12:00

It was the year 2009. I was just turning 16 and me being the youngest, and only, girl my family expected a lot more from me. I was a really good girl until meeting my ex, then I changed; everything changed.

I remember feeling sick, so I went to the school nurse. As soon as she told me the pregnancy test was positive, I cried my eyes out, knowing my parents will flip out, and not knowing what will happen next.

I had my scan a few days later, and hearing the heart beat just tore me to pieces, knowing that my family will not want me to keep it. On that very same day, my parents found out through my brother's wife. She told them on purpose because she just loved getting dirt on me.

They pulled a family meeting. It was so depressing. Me not being strong for myself, I let them make the decision. Plus I just had so much doubts. I started thinking, maybe it is the right thing 'cause I felt me and my ex weren't ready to have a baby, we weren't working or anything, we had nothing, and I didn't want our families to feel it was there responsibility. He always said that his mum will look after the baby, but, for me, I didn't want another woman raising my baby. I want to be there and watch my child grow and provide my baby with everything he needed and I had nothing. The guy I was pregnant to wasn't much help. At the time, we were just both young and naive. I felt like I needed him, but he wasn't around.

On the first day I went in for my meeting with the social worker, I lied the whole time. I knew deep down I wanted the baby because I already started loving him. Plus I felt I was growing some kind of bond. I'm 18 now, and when I think about it, if I was a lot stronger at the time, I would of kept the baby. Until this very day, I still cry thinking about what happened and a son I could have possibly had. I don't know how to move on from that, and I'm finding it hard to let go.

Abortion Story: Mary (United States)

2011-06-02T21:12:00.003+12:00

I am 55 yrs old. I made the worst mistake of my life when I was 31 yrs old. I was so excited to be pregnant a 3rd time, but my husband wasn't!

We discussed it, and he screamed at me to get rid of it! He gave me an ultimatum finally, either him or the baby! I knew our marriage was in trouble, so I went along with him.

On a fall day in 1987, an appointment was made. He made it a family outing, staying at a hotel with the 2 kids, going and doing things around town like it was nothing! He drove me to the clinic, made me fill out the paper work, signed his name, paid the fee, and left.

I was taken in first to counselling classes, where I was quiet, listening to the other women tell their stories, and how lucky they were that someone was paying for this quick procedure. Most were young, only one other women was about my age.

When it came time for me I was taken in given a pill to help me relax, even though everything I knew was telling me "NO" don't do this! But I remembered his ultimatum, and proceeded next to the table, where the abortion was preformed.

I felt and heard everything! It was so painful, more painful than having the 2 children at childbirth! I cried and they told me to relax. How could I relax?!

Afterwards, I was taken to another bed, to recuperate, screaming out loud in my head because of the PAIN both physically and mentally.

Soon, I felt like I needed to push, and went to the restroom, and a large clot came out, which scared me to death. But the nurse informed me that it was only natural. What was so natural about having an abortion?

I laid there on the bed for about an hour, way longer than the young girls, who left smiling and laughing, saying this was such a breeze!

The other lady who was bragging that this would be so easy compared to her previous child births, was now in horrible pain and screaming out loud because of the horrible pain. So much for an easy solution!

I felt so horrible, ashamed, dirty and bad for what I had just did to my baby!

I am finally beginning classes to help with post-traumatic abortion stress. I am lucky that I finally admitted to myself that I needed help.

I have suffered from this so much over the years, and have used alcohol to overcome the grief, men and sex, and been admitted to an in-house mental hospital for treatment, but I never knew or admitted to myself why I was in trouble.

If this reaches any woman who is contemplating abortion, DON'T DO IT! You will pay for it sometime in your life, it never fails to capture anyone!

Thank you for allowing me to share my story. May God Bless us women put in this place, forgive us and help us to heal.

Abortion Story: Nadia* (United States)

2011-06-02T20:54:00.001+12:00

I was only 16 when I found out I was pregnant. It was the beginning of March. I had a feeling I was pregnant, but in complete denial. When I took a pregnancy test, it came out positive, and I went crazy and depressed and I didn't know what to think.

But, honestly, some part of me was happy because this was mine. I was exactly 9 weeks along.

When I told my boyfriend, he was in shock and emotional. Never once did he consider keeping it: It was straight to abortion. I remember I would tell him, “No, no, no, please don't push me into this.” And he would tell me, “You're stupid you can't support it.” I didn't care. All my baby needs is love, and his mom!

I never stuck up for myself. I feel into pressure and had the abortion. I hate myself, and I'm suicidal till this day.

I remember I was in the lobby, the day of the abortion, and I walked out and told my boyfriend, “I can't do it. Please dont make me.” He told me, “You're dumb, and stupid, and immature. Start walking back in that clinic.”

I started balling into tears. I thought, if I ever got pregnant, it would have been a better side to him.

My baby is in heaven and I can't hold him or her, and I miss him or her. I love him or her. That is my everything, and I got that taken away from me.

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Olivia* (United Kingdom)

2011-05-22T21:11:00.001+12:00

I am now 37, and many years have rapidly swept by since I found myself in the same position that many of you are in now.

My story began when I was 17 years old, I was living with my boyfriend in our own home, happy and living away from my parents controlling, smothering vice. I had opted to move out of the family home young to pursue a life without dictatorship and manipulation because their parenting became erratic, selfish and unbearable.

Anyway, I was happy for once in my life, and then I began to feel poorly, so I went to the doctor and he told me I was pregnant after doing a test. My boyfriend and I were elated, but we opted to leave telling my family for now for obvious reasons.

Several weeks rolled by, and parenthood seemed but a heartbeat away, and then the unthinkable and completely unimaginable happened.

Somehow my parents had found out that I was pregnant, and decided to collect me through arranging a false meeting with them to try and rekindle our relationships (or so I thought).

I agreed, not thinking for one second that the next set of events would pursue as they did.

To cut a long story short, I was met by them and we drove back to their house where we went inside. Until then everything seemed quite the norm; there were no signs of foul play just them being THEM really.

We sat down and began to talk. Then my uncle arrived (he was in the forces a large man), and I said “Hi” to him and asked my mum why he was there. She said, “Olivia, we have to talk to you, something has been brought to our attention.”

My heart sank as she reeled off how she had been informed of my “condition.” I was informed that an appointment had been made for me at a clinic and I was GOING to attend. I asked what the appointment was, as I had already had a check up by my GP and everything was fine.

She then interrupted by saying, “Olivia, that is not what I meant.” She looked at me, eyes like glass, when suddenly I realised what she was referring to.

I asked, “Is this some kind of joke?”

She said, “Oh, FAR FROM IT.”

I told her I was leaving, and that I would not be back. My uncle stood in front of the door and would not let me by. He said it was for my own good. I was livid, telling them they had no right to do this, and I was going to call the police.

In a nut shell, I was held at home against my will, until the next day, when I was told I was going to get in the car WITHOUT a fuss and we WERE going to the clinic. I was hysterical, and got myself in to a right state and must have passed out. When I came to, I was in the car and on the way THERE. I was ill with fear and then I thought to myself, “NO, Olivia, it is ok. When you get there, you can just tell them that this is not your decision, or will, and they will not be able to do anything once they see you are being forced by your family.”

I walked in, my dad on one side of me, my uncle at the other, holding my arms as if being supportive, but in fact in reality they were making sure I did not bolt. As for my mother, she walked coldly straight ahead of us, geared up and ready to tell the cock and bull story they had obviously concocted between them.

I was taken in to a room where a doctor came in to see me. Straight away I blurted out, “I AM HERE AGAINST my will and I refuse to let any of you near me.” I was told to calm down, and that we would discuss what was going on or WHY I was there, which was news to me. (I was bundled in a car against my will while unconscious for God's sake.)

I began telling the Dr that I wanted to leave by myself straight away, and that my baby had nothing to do with them. I was shaking, and I noticed my mum looking over at him as if to say, “do something.” I thought that, just maybe, she had seen the light. Boy was I wrong about that.

And this is where it gets scary: The next thing I knew, I had been stuck with a syringe. I have no idea what was in it. The next thing I knew was that I woke up in a hospital bed, with an IV in my arm, and a funny feeling in my stomach. I had sanitary wear on, and THEN it dawned on me I was no longer pregnant. I had been violated, and my unborn child taken from me AGAINST my will.

I was ill, and started screaming and wailing. A nurse came in with a Dr and told me, “Your parents were worried about you and told us you were in an abusive relationship and it had affected your rational thinking.” Suddenly I realised how they had managed to get away with everything. When I told him none of it was true, he shrugged. Can you believe it? Shrugged... and said, “I am sorry. We had no reason NOT to doubt what your family were saying.” I was mortified.

My boyfriend was warned off me, and I was not allowed to go near anyone, especially him. He kept trying to see me, but he was threatened repeatedly by my father and my uncle. In the end, I told him to move on as I managed to get a letter to him explaining what had happened. That was the last time we heard from one another.

The years that followed were horrific. I changed, I became withdrawn, hit the bottle, and ended up being sectioned. The following year, it finally all came out and I managed to get someone to actually listen to my side of the story. It helped me a great deal, and enabled me to move forward somehow. I found out that I was sedated, and while I was sedated taken in to the O.R., given an anaesthetic, and the procedure carried out without any interruptions.

As my shrink told me, while recovering from my break down and in hospital, I should NEVER have been subjected to such an ordeal, and that it was completely wrong of my parents to do as they did on that day. I have never forgiven them to this day.

I now live by myself with my 14 year-old son. I have nothing to do with my parents, now, and do all I can to ensure nothing like this ever happens to any woman again if I can damn well help it. My own family hurt me deeply and took away a very precious gift from me that I can never replace.

So, now that child's spirit is kept alive through helping others because no matter how briefly he or she was here (so to speak) their life was precious and deserves blessing daily.

Thank you for reading my story.

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Lynda* (United States)

2011-05-20T21:47:00.001+12:00

I had an abortion when I was 16 years old. When I was 14, I was in high school and I met a 20 year old man while I joined after school sports. He was the assistant manager. A month later, he took me to an empty apartment. That was how I lost my virginity.

I stayed with him for 4 years, afraid to leave. When he told me there was no way to get pregnant, I trusted him. He proved to be wrong. When I told him I was pregnant, the first thing he did was bring me to an abortion clinic. I lied and said my boyfriend was 17 years old. And then I aborted. I stayed with him until I was finally able to break free when I moved to college.

My parents never found out. They are immigrants to the US and battled with their own problems. I grew up in an unsafe environment that included domestic violence.

I remember... during the procedure the doctor asked me what my favorite subject was in school and I said calculus. I remember... them taking an ultrasound of the fetus at 5 weeks and hiding the images from me. I remember... them asking me how old the father was and me saying 17, hesitating and them asking if I was sure and me saying yes. I remember... throwing up after a few hours after the procedure and feeling alone, lost, and scared. I remember... after a week after the abortion my boyfriend getting mad that I did not want to have unprotected sex with him and him, once again, convincing me to.

I'm now 23 years old and I graduated a week ago with my doctors' degree. I found a job that pays in the 6 figures. I've also been diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

The first time I was able to talk about the rape was last year. It took me 8 years. Sometimes I think about it. I feel so ashamed, even though I understand now that I was too young to make an informed decision.

And to my baby: I am so, so sorry. You have no idea the guilt that I feel everyday. Yes, I wonder what would have happened if you were born. I wonder if you are a girl or a boy. If you were alive, you would be 7. I carry this everyday, you changed me. This was not suppose to happen, but it did. To this day, I am still dealing with your loss. It hurts so much that someone as innocent as you can come from a situation like this. You will forever be with me. I will always remember.

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Kimberley (Canada)

2011-05-07T22:18:00.002+12:00

I had an abortion a week ago, today, and feel I was coerced or forced by my boyfriend to proceed with it!

He also talked me into not telling my mom, who I live with, and she has felt very betrayed that I didn't tell her 'til two days later! She's still in shock and, of course, I was later too after the fact and couldn't believe I had been talked into it!

Of course, I'm sorry now, and wish I hadn't gone ahead! My mom had seen a text from my boyfriend the night before saying, “Did they get mad at you at work when you said you needed Friday off?” My mom asked me about that, and I told her that my boyfriend had simply asked about me about getting the day off because he doesn't go to school Fridays, but that I was going in to work for sure! I had told my mom that on Thursday night.

My boyfriend was too tired to drive me home, so I was staying at his place and she called just before I went into work, and said, “Was just making sure you were getting up on time to cover your new schedule,” which started at 11 a.m. and I said we were just just eating lunch and leaving!

Of course, I wasn't actually allowed to eat before the procedure! My boyfriend then took me into the clinic and I continued to lie to my mom about where I was and she had been texting me that afternoon as my boyfriend was supposed to help her pick up a new bed and he wasn't getting back to her! She wasn't too concerned, as normally I can't text much from work, but I normally text her back after work and didn't, so then she really knew something was up! She was texting my boyfriend all afternoon, and he ignored her messages about helping her pick up a new bed. He didn't answer the message, but then decided to drop the list by our place, gave her a hug, never told her a thing. Then she still can't get over the fact that he could drop by and not tell my mom a thing as he was determined not to have anyone involved and just get it done!

He then drove back to the clinic to get me, and we went back to his house. The only contact my mom had with us was when my boyfriend finally called her back at 8:30, half asleep after we rested after being exhausted, saying “What's up?”

She said Kim was really tired, and resting, and of course she had no idea why and then my mom really started to worry!

After I had gotten to my boyfriend's place, I was hysterical and crying (his parents' were out!) and still didn't tell my mom as I was scared she would come after him! When his parents came home, he told them, and then they kicked us out and he took me back to my place!

My mom still didn't know and caused a scene at the door because he hadn't been replying to her all night! She kept the door locked for a few minutes, and then let us in which really stressed me out. Then my boyfriend just used the excuse that she was mad, and he took off! He wouldn't answer my call that night, nor all the next day. He wouldn't talk to me at church, as I guess he thought he was bad, which of course he was, and shouldn't have anything to do with me!

My mom couldn't understand why I was so upset that he wouldn't call me back and blamed me for bothering about the beds!

I finally approached him at church for a minute, gave him some pics of us I had, and then left it at that! When I came home that night, I told my mom and she was really hurt!

By the way, I was getting a lot of intense pain in the uterus, and wanted to get away from thinking about things, so my boyfriend went for a couple of long walks with me, which was the last thing I was supposed to do! The tightening of my stomach from walking made it worse! Finally I decided on Wednesday night to go to a movie, then again Thursday night with the boyfriend, then tonight we went to a karaoke party with the church!

I finally made it to the doctor and they told me there was still some fragments left in the uterus and they would finally dispel, but all week long it's been painful! On Wednesday night, I was supposed to go in to my doctor's office, and they called me on my cell and gave me 'what for' and they said if I was bleeding they were worried and I should get to a hospital and gave me an emergency clinic to go to! I downplayed the whole thing and just went to the movie!

I can't take back what's been done and have to get on with my life now, and it's been nice to have my boyfriend's support finally, but my question is, was I coerced into this (no physical force!) and do I have any recourse?

I was thinking of ending the relationship anyway, because he's upgrading his schooling and then planning to take a 4 year course in business in the fall, and I felt we were going in different directions, as I intend to work and don't want to support someone! I don't know too if I can trust him again, although I'm convinced that he's convinced he made a mistake! I don't know, could someone tell me if I should meet someone that I don't have to worry about supporting, maybe financially even and emotionally, and should I trust him in the future? He even said right in front of my mom on the way out the door last night that he was going to get me on birth control! My mom just doesn't like the way he's trying to control my life!

Abortion Story: Hazel* (United States)

2011-05-01T07:48:00.003+12:00

I'd been with my boyfriend for over year when I found out I was pregnant. I was 17 and he was 19.

I had a feeling I was pregnant but all my tests came out negative till I was 6 1/2 weeks finally it did. My boyfriend was in the bathroom with me when the tests came out positive and he grabbed me and helped me and kissed me and said, "I love you Mommy," and he rubbed my stomach.

I got so excited and told my friends. I forgot about my parents till I was on my way home from my boyfriend's house. I grabbed my stuff and left to go to my friends and the next day we went to the health department and they gave me prenatal vitamins and I went to my boyfriend's work to show him all the information about taking care of our precious little baby and he rubbed my stomach the whole time and was so happy.

We planned our whole lives out everything was going to work out. But eventually we had to tell our parents. I went and told mine after a week or so of knowing. My mom cried and my dad, of course, just looked at me.

The plan was to keep it... at least that's what I thought. We had a baby nursery already, so we had everything we needed.

My boyfriend wasn't allowed to come over anymore. Few days after knowing, my dad sat me down and my mom was quiet. They told me that I was getting an abortion and told me it was the best thing to do. I cried my eyes out and walked away. They made me call the clinic and they told me all about it. I had no choice on anything they told me that.

We went up there and I had to get escorted in because there was people out there calling everyone murderers and said we are going to hell. My heart sank, of course.

We went in a room and it was filled with other girls. We went back to this room and watched a video and got our blood taken, and got a ultra sound which killed me because I got to see my precious little baby.

Then we went to this counseling thing and I told them, no, I don't want to do this, and I cried, but they made me anyway.

I had my boyfriend's friend texting me and making me feel so much more worse.

They got us drugged up and took us in this freezing cold room. One after the other they did their surgeries. It was my turn. If I wasn't too drugged up, and had a IV in me, I would've ran out of there. But they gave me a different drug and I fell asleep and I woke up with so much blood coming out and so sore.

We went home and my boyfriend got to come over to see me. He gave me roses and held me, but he had to leave. I went to sleep for hours.

Eventually me and my boyfriend started fighting because he didn't seem to be as hurt as I did. And we broke up for a while and I remember he sent me a text telling me I was a f***Ing baby killer and much more. That hurt so bad. It made me think this is my fault I could've done more. I let it happen.

So much stuff kept running through my head, but what could I do now besides hate myself? Me and him are now back together and working on things.

I have a tattoo of little angel wings to represent my sweet little angel baby who I love with all my heart.

People found out about my abortion and they would prank call me and make fun of me and call me names. Who could do such a thing?

It still haunts me to this day and I'll never forget my baby. I had a feeling its a girl so I named her Riley. I hope God's taking good care of her and I cant wait to see her.

I love you Riley.

Abortion Story: Jen (United Kingdom)

2011-05-01T07:34:00.005+12:00

My Mother forced me 10 years ago today to kill my baby - a boy I know 13 weeks and 1 day old.

I said NO on the operating table - they injected me and I woke empty I never wanted him to go I wanted him to stay they took my life when they took him away.

Abortion Story: Eva* (United Kingdom)

2011-04-01T13:13:00.002+13:00

I fell pregnant after being with my boyfriend for 3 months. I have wanted a baby for such a long time, and finding out I was pregnant made me so happy.

When I told my boyfriend, he pretended to be happy, although I knew everyone else would be mad since I am at university and hadn't been with my boyfriend for long.

When we told my mum and his mum they both went mad. They knew I didn't agree with abortion, but felt the need to press the issue.

Over the following weeks all the relationships I had broke down. My mum would constantly remind me why I should have an abortion, my boyfriend fell into a depression and again was pushing me towards having an abortion, my boyfriend's mum had what was thought to be a stressed-induced mini stroke and didn't want to talk to me whilst I was going ahead with pregnancy, my brother stopped talking to me and, most importantly, my grandparents gave my mother the message that they now wanted nothing to do with me and my pregnancy, that I was a disapointment.

With everyone against me, I tried to come to terms with the fact I was in this alone. Everyday I would be sat down by my mother and told why I should have an abortion and that it is the only thing I can do. After weeks of the pressure, I finally snapped and went to the doctor to book in for a termination.

At the hospital, I told them it's not what I want, but they gave me a scan, dated my pregnancy to be 8 weeks, and even showed me the baby growing inside of me. They said because I was doing it to please other people they would give me a surgical abortion the following Friday.

When I arrived the next Friday I was taken to a ward near the labour unit, so got to hear all the new babies. I again stated this is not what I wanted, but nobody seemed to want to listen or support me in my pregnancy.

I was typically last on the list to go to the operation room, and again said this is not what I want, but again nobody listened.

After the operation, I was literally rushed out, they gave me a series of antibiotics and just told me to take 2 a day. I was not offered any support.

That was on the 18th February 2011, it is now 31st March and I have an infection in my ovaries, sex is incredibly painful, I am allergic to the antibiotics, and this infection has left me in a lot of pain. I am still not receiving any support about the termination and the doctors are very blunt about my current infection saying its because of my abortion.

My family is just ignoring what happened, and my grandparents are still not talking to me.

I have a past history of depression and know that the way I am feeling is worse then I have ever had it. I think about my child everyday and not one minute goes by that I don't regret what has happened. Having the abortion was the worst thing I could have done.

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Patricoa (United States)

2011-02-24T13:00:00.003+13:00

I had an abortion because I really didn't want the baby. But now I'm in a relationship and 5 months pregnant and I can't really get over what I did.

Well, when I was 8 weeks pregnant with this pregnancy at the hospital I was given Cytotec because the er doctor said my baby had died. But I'm still pregnant and I really want my baby to live and to be ok. But we won't find out until she is born.

It almost makes me think that God Is punishing me for what I did. I feel I have to suffer for having an abortion. I hate to have to always worry. About what the Dr will tell me on my next appointment.

I love my baby. I just hope she's ok. I'm always thinking about that baby that I aborted.

Abortion Story: Eileen* (United States)

2011-02-14T12:45:00.002+13:00

I had an abortion at nineteen. 30 years ago. I know something died in my heart that day.

I was in college when I got pregnant. My boyfriend brought me to a gynecologist on Park Ave which his aunt had told him about. There was marble floors and a chandelier in the waiting room. The doctor really didn't talk to me, he just examined me and told me I was pregnant.

I went into the waiting room and told Eli I was pregnant. He looked at me and said there is no way I can tell my father you're pregnant. You have to have it aborted.

I never said anything, he just went to the nurse and set it up. It was done in St Luke's hospital in NYC.

I remember lying on the gurney waiting to go in the operating room and being so scared I threw up on the nurse. She just looked at me and said, "It will be over very shortly."

I fell into a deep depression and was suicidal afterwards, and no one wanted to talk about it. Not my boyfriend or my family, so I buried it.

I still can not believe that anyone can love me. I have two children and they tell me I don't care about their feelings. All I ever think about everyday all day since the moment I had them, is them, but I feel I'm not good enough for them, and my love is worthless anyway.

I pray, but can not believe God loves in a real way, for just me. His love is obligatory. Like the silence of everyone about the abortion I felt I had no choice in.

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Taylor (Canada)

2011-02-11T12:32:00.002+13:00

My name is Taylor and I did a terrible thing. I will only confess via internet.

I've got pregnant several times and each time I turned to abortion. It seems like I can't stop myself from having sex.

Abortion Story: Fleur* (United States)

2011-01-19T12:24:00.001+13:00

On 15th March, 2010 I was forced to abort my child... my loved child by my husband. The reason: He had two kids of his own.

I pleaded and begged but he did not listen to me. I hate myself for not being strong enough.

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Susi (United States)

2010-12-21T08:52:00.001+13:00

My story happened a long time ago, but, until recently, I wasn't comfortable talking about it at all. Now that I can, I'm better able to integrate it into my life.

I became pregnant when I was 15 years old. I really didn't know my baby's father - I mean, I know his name. He used to be a fairly famous musician. I had sex with him backstage after a concert. I didn't know I was pregnant for a long time. I knew something was going on though - first I thought my breasts were going through some kind of growth spurt, later I thought I had cancer.

I was a very active girl - I was a ballet dancer and really didn't gain all that much weight, but I wore large t-shirts thinking I was hiding my cancer, and just kind of waiting to die. Some older dancers took me aside and told me I was pregnant. One took me to a doctor who had previously given her a referral for an abortion (even though they were not legal in our state). He told me I was almost 27 weeks pregnant but that really didn't mean anything to me. He showed me pictures (illustrations in a book) of fetuses which I assumed were about my stage of pregnancy. They were actually more like 8 week fetuses.

Three days later I went to the office where I had the referral - the night before I had something pushed (maybe?) into my cervix. I didn't have enough money for anesthesia so I was a little groggy but awake. My baby was born alive. The doctors (and I'm pretty sure they were doctors - at least residents) put her on a metal tray on a small table near where I was. One doctor was pretty agitated; the other was calm, almost bored. I was shocked when I saw how big she was and then when I noticed her rib cage moving, I told the doctors who had their backs to me. The apathetic one said something like, "Don't worry - it's just a reflex, it'll stop." I was getting really upset, started crying a little and said, "No, I mean it... I think she needs an incubator or something." That same doctor said, "Honey, we just took her out of one." The other doctor tried to calm me down, but he wasn't going to do anything either. He said she would just die anyway, and then we'd be in really bad trouble.

I swore I wouldn't tell on them. I yelled, banged the back of my head against the table. A nurse gave me a shot. Apparently, she died about an hour later. I couldn't tell anybody (except the dancers who were sort of taking care of me) and went home after a couple days. My mother died when I was 5 years old. I definitely could not tell my father any of this! I stopped eating after that - not all at once, but I started eliminating different foods and within about 6 months, I was only eating carrots and lettuce. I weighed 74 lb for a few years - I'm almost 5'6". I had this really severe case of anorexia until I was close to 30 years old.

I'm a psych nurse now and work with people with post traumatic stress, substance abuse, anxiety, and depression. I'm also a yoga teacher and work with an agency that provides free yoga to people who have eating disorders. I have 4 sons who are smart, funny, and adorable. My only daughter was the little baby who died in just over an hour. I still miss her.

Abortion Story: Opal (New Zealand)

2010-12-11T13:28:00.003+13:00

Almost 8 years ago (aged 22 years) I realised that I was pregnant with my fiance's baby. Neither of us wanted to have children and decided to have an abortion.

Life went on and although I felt really bad about my decision, most days, I was just able to put it behind me.

We got married and have been happily married for the last 7 years. Last year we decided that we did in fact want to have children and we tried for another baby. I fell pregnant and we were over the moon. I had a smooth pregnancy, but a couple of days prior to the due date of the baby I was concerned about her movement and I went into the hospital to get a check-up. I was told that at 39 weeks our baby has passed away.

Every day since the loss of our child I've been wondering whether I am being punished for killing my first baby. I will never be released from this guilt.

I wish I could sit down and talk to every single person who consider abortion and convince them not to do it. I am "pro-choice", but for me the consequences of making my choice is devastating. Although I was fine following the abortion, now 8 years later, I'm dealing with the consequences. I know that there can be no connection between the abortion and the loss of our baby, but I will always think that I'm being punished...

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Katie (United Kingdom)

2010-10-12T08:57:00.002+13:00

Basically, I had my abortion a year ago. I was 15 at the time.

It was pressure that made me do it. I didn't want to lose my family.

It didn't affect me at first, but 2 weeks later it really started to get to me, and for the last 8 months I've been suffering with depression. Yes, I know it's my own fault. If only I could go back in time, and stop myself from taking the tablets, then I would.

Abortion Story: Olivia* (United States)

2010-10-09T09:13:00.002+13:00

Who's going to hell? I am. God help me! Let me have just one dream of my child, her eyes, his smile... If not, can I please go back in time? I know which moments I will choose, no need to ask me twice!

One touch, one breath, my life for theirs? God grant me the strength, your wisdom, their innocence. Am I not worthy of peace? No, not worthy of comfort? I never look back because I swim in regret. I miss you, I miss me. Just one touch, and then another, and another, honestly one will NEVER be enough. Hell let me hold you! PLEASE!

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Becky* (United States)

2010-08-20T09:48:00.003+12:00

When I was 11, I met my now-fiance at school, and we got together on November 27, 2004. It was 10 days after my 12th birthday. We had a wonderful relationship for so long. We even moved in with his family in California (we met in Las Vegas).

In 2007, I thought I was pregnant, so he started cumming in me. Then after 3 months, I realized I wasn't pregnant, but we never thought to have him stop cumming in me. We just didn't care.

In 2008, we started having some problems and, in October, I started getting depressed and was very distant. Well, right after my birthday, in November, we broke up, but still lived together. We even still kind of acted like we were together; still had sex at times and still slept in the same bed.

Well, after a few months he dated a girl for 3 months and he cheated on her the whole time with me, and it just broke my heart to watch them together. But I stayed 'cause I love him with every bit in me.

They broke up and we started getting things between us on track, and then 2 months later a friend of a friend spends the night at our apartment and I went to bed early, 'cause I had to be up early, and he spent the whole night talking with her. Well, they dated and she was crazy and only wanted him 'cause it hurt me.

After 5 months they broke up, and we went on with our ways. All this time we thought I couldn't get pregnant. So we still didn't do anything to not get pregnant. People would think that we tried.

In February of 2010, I got pregnant. A week before I found out I was pregnant, my fiance's latest ex (the crazy one) informed us she was 6 months pregnant with a boy. The times added up right except for the fact it could be his or another guy's.

Then we find out I am pregnant, and right away when I found out, I just was shocked and thought that's our miracle baby. He thought right away that we need to get rid of it. no questions asked. It was hard for me 'cause I was so confused. I made a babycenter account, and took pictures of my growing belly got 3 ultrasound pictures at 11 weeks, and he still insisted that I get an abortion based on the facts that we dont have money, no car, we live with his crazy bitch mom that he figured would kick us out since she had before.

I couldn't go to my mom 'cause she was fighting for my little brother, who was in foster care, and she didn't have her own place. Basically, it would be all up to me to help this child have a good life.

So, we made an appointment to get an abortion at 12 weeks. We missed it 'cause our friend bailed and couldn't take us. Then we made an appointment and went at 13 weeks, and they said I couldn't do it that day 'cause the baby already moved up higher, and got too big to do it in one procedure. So, I made an appointment at 14 weeks and couldn't go 'cause of our friend again, so I told my fiance that it had to be a sign that God is trying to tell us to keep it.

He still insisted we have an abortion, and he made me feel like I had to, like keeping him was no option at all. I say him 'cause I had a gut feeling it was a boy.

So, at 15 weeks I went into the clinic. It was May 27, 2008. I had to have a D&C 'cause I was so far along.

They inserted these things in my cervix to make me dilate overnight, and I was crying it hurt so bad. Then they sent me to get dressed, and I was in the dressing room balling my eyes out and I could barely walk.

I never stopped crying that night 'cause of the physical and emotional pain. The next morning, we got up and went back to the clinic to finish the procedure. I woke up in the recovery room and felt emotionally numb. I figured I wouldn't be heartbroken and I'd be fine.

As time went on, I fell apart. It's been 12 weeks since my abortion. I am now seeing a therapist because I have severe depression and suffer from PTSD. I feel like the worst mother in the world that I killed my baby like it was nothing. And I see my fiance with his son, now, and I get so angry that he loves him so much but he didn't love our son enough to want to keep him. It was still my decision, and I hate myself more and more everyday.

I will never forgive myself, but I hope one day my baby does. I hope he doesn't hate me. I'd give anything to hold him for a moment. He was due November 16, 2010, a day before my 18th birthday. Would have been a great birthday present.

I don't think I'll ever feel better. I just want to feel “whole” again. I want a baby to prove I'm a good mom, and to do right this time around. I hate myself so much for what I did.

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Stacie (Canada)

2010-07-16T11:09:00.006+12:00

Hi, my name is Stacie. I'm not gonna hide my identity for the sake of people who don't like what I've done so here's my story.

It was maybe 1 week before my birthday — my birthday was December 16th — I was supposed to get my period maybe 2 weeks prior, and still nothing. My boyfriend of 10 months at that time gave me my Christmas, birthday, and 10 month anniversary gift. It was a ring; turquoise gem with two diamonds on the side.

We knew I was pregnant, we just didn't really wanna talk about it. I was 15, he was 16, turning 17, in January. But, after New Year came, I still didn't have my period, so I took a pregnancy test. Well, it was positive. The only person I told was my boyfriend, as he was the only person I could trust.

My parents? Well, let's say they would not have been very supportive if they knew I was pregnant when I was. We both decided to have an abortion we talked about it for days thinking about our options. We were way too young to have a baby. I couldn't even take care of myself at that point. How was I supposed to carry a baby for 9 months and then take care of it? Adoption? We never talked about it.

My father abused me. If he found out I was pregnant, well, he would have taken it into his own hands. That was never an option. I wouldn't do that to my child. I wouldn't tell it I'm gonna give it to a nice family when it could die, when it could have brain damage from the times my father hit me when I didn't even know I was pregnant.

Abortion was our only option. The only reasonable option for us at that time. I believed in reincarnation, but also hoping that someday, when I'm ready to have kids, he would pick me to be his mother. (I'll explain why I called the baby a he later.)

So, we went to the clinic. I had to skip a lot of classes at my school, which was also Catholic I might add. By the time the day was arriving, everyone at school knew. Of course we denied we were pregnant and having an abortion.

The day of the operation, I don't remember much. I was terrified, in pain. They gave me a pill that made me dilate to about 5cm, I think, it was so they could get the tube in. Oh, how I had the worst cramps due to that pill.

The hospital had a therapist that came in. She specializes in women dealing with abortion. We talked, and I told her my main concern was that my parents don't find out. I don't even remember if I said goodbye, or sorry, to that child; I can't remember.

Before I knew it, I was in the surgery room. They don't put you under; you're awake. The nurses were really nice. They held my hand, and told me it was OK. All I remember is the worst pain imaginable. It was only 5 minutes, but it felt like 5 hours. I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm not gonna tell anyone it was easy and pain free, because it wasn't. I think I blacked out after it was over because I woke up in my room again and my boyfriend being worried about me was amazing. All I remember him saying is that he loved me and he was proud of me for being so strong, and then he put the ring he gave me on my finger again. He helped me so much, I can't even describe it.

After about a week, of course, my sister knew it was true, and stuff, and so did my best friend at the time. They kind of pressured me into telling my mom; biggest mistake ever. She was upset, disappointed, but kind of understood, and I appreciate that, but the day before she knew I had an abortion she told me whoever has an abortion is gonna burn in Hell, and she would hate anyone who had an abortion. She's Christian.

But the big mistake is that my mom wanted to tell my dad; my alcoholic, bi-polar, abusive father. She said that she could not lie to him, he was her partner even though he tried to beat her every night. But I never let him: See my mom is 4 11" really small. I always provoked my dad so he wouldn't beat my mother. Instead, he beat me. Of course, before all this even started, my sister would go to her friend's house, maybe a 20 minute bike ride away because we live in the country, but its a 5 minute car ride to their house. But, anyway, I was always the one who get beaten. That's the reason I couldn't go through with adoption, maybe not even keeping the baby.

My father found out and, oh god, was it bad. I wasn't allowed to leave my room, even to go outside for a walk, mind you we live in the country where would I go? Walk 10 hours to the city? I was basically being starved to death. My friend said I could go live with her for a month, or so, just until it blows over and stuff.

My boyfriend was there through it with me, but he lived in the city and I couldn't call or text him. So, he didn't really know what was going on until Monday came and I skipped class to go tell him. He flipped. He said I couldn't go back there and, luckily, his mom was kind enough to let me stay there. I've lived there for 2 years, I have no contact with my parents only with my sister who is know in Newfoundland for university.

After a while, I started to have dreams. Dreams about a little boy that looked so much like my boyfriend when he was a kid. But this kid was about the same age that my child would have been if we kept him. He would always have a red ball, and throw it across a field and run after it, and I would run after him but could never catch him. I know what that interprets, but.

About a year after I had the abortion, I was clinically depressed, not knowing it at the time. But I missed a lot of school. No matter how much I slept, I still felt tired. It's been maybe a year and a half, and I didn't know I was depressed until recently, maybe 2 months ago. I didn't have a family doctor, so I signed up for one. I still haven't gotten a call, but I found another doctor and was able to get medication. But these dreams I've been having are this child's way of saying he's alright, I guess, and he forgives me because recently in my dreams he comes to to hug me, because I'm always crying in my dream, and he tells me everything will be alright. And you know what? It will, but right now it doesn't feel like it.

I do regret having the abortion, and although it hurts, I know time will mend it, but I believe it will take a lifetime to deal with. It's not an easy decision. It's not the “easy” way out. It's probably the hardest of the three options.

I just want to say, son, I love you and I hope you will have a better life whether it's with me, or another family. Mommy loves you sweetheart.

Abortion Story: Milly* (Canada)

2010-07-15T11:03:00.004+12:00

Growing up, I've always been the oldest of 5, and the only girl.

I'd always planned to start having kids with my boyfriend of 5 years at the age of 25. Well, at age 22 we broke up because I came to Canada and I wanted more out of life than what he can give me.

I found this guy, we started dating, and got really into it, and were going for almost 2 years, when I missed my period. That was February 2010, I was 24 years old. OMG, I got my wish, my baby at age 25! Well, this guy he got 3 kids before. But what the hell, this was going to be my first. He demanded I got it out. OMG, all hell broke loose. I was alone in a strange country, no family, my baby on the way, and the father doesn't want it.

I had the abortion, in February 2010. He suggested we acted fast. I slept right through the procedure, but am living a nightmare. Now I can't stand his kids, my first and only baby is gone, and he won't leave me alone. We are still together, I don't even know why.

I cry all the time, I want my baby back. I feel like just finding some random guy and get pregnant again, I just want it back. It was a mistake. I'm going insane and the abortion doesn't bother him. Confused.

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Anna* (United States)

2010-06-21T10:38:00.002+12:00

I don't even know where to start. I should starting telling that I had an abortion 2 days ago. I will never forget when I walked in the clinic and people outside were yelling and telling me that I was a murderer. That was kind of true, they saw in my face I didn't want that. In my heart, I would walk out and give up once again like I did in the last clinic, 3 times.

But this time, no. I don't know how I didn't leave the clinic.

Well, my pregnancy was always really confusing for me. In a different country and without job... is that really a reason? NO!

I make my first appointment. I saw my baby had a heart. I decided to have it, and then I got scared with my situation, so many reasons. Maybe I just tried to find excuses when I knew there is no excuse for abortion.

We went to the clinic, me and my boyfriend, then we cried. I walk out for the first time. Then I got another appointment, I walk for the second time. That clinic would not do the procedure anymore because they knew I didn't want that.

Me and my boyfriend starting fighting . He started saying that he didn't want the baby. I panicked again. But then I think it was my fault to not give him confidence. I was so confused in my heart. I knew he was a good father, and I was a good mother, but why we were denying this baby? Maybe, because of me? I could not understand it. I was feeling so alone, afraid and confused. Maybe I was just being weak.

I waited so long, I got a book, babies pictures, and I was taking care of my baby. I got vitamins, didn't drink alcohol... but still confused. Should I be proud of taking care of my baby, please that was a basic thing I could do... and then, later, I just killed him.

I went to another clinic, and waited as usual, the worse waiting room, and cried again. I just wanted this over. I knew it would not be over anyway. Then I got an ultrasound. The baby was 14 weeks. I tried to see on the screen my baby. If I saw, I would had given up.

The doctor forgot the picture of my baby on the screen was open. I turned to look, and he turned it off fast. I missed the picture by 1 second. I don't know if I really wanted to see. I just looked in the nurse's eyes. She could see the screen, and I tried to figure out what were her feelings, she just looked weird. The doctor looked like a monster, and told me he was going to take care of me. Sounded so weird “take care.” He said, we do it until 14 weeks, and I thought Jesus I can't believe I'm almost passed the date. I just wondered why they have a limit. I know why. I know some clinics do it until 6 months. I keep asking myself if there is any difference about the time. Should I just wait for my baby is born and just kill him? Or the reason because I can't see it outside my body make me feel better.

My baby was the size of a lime. The only way they take it is by vacuuming, from a cannula, how do you think a baby would pass a cannula? By breaking his body in pieces.

When I was earlier in pregnancy, I heard they vacuum the baby. When they are small, they are so tiny they pass alive from the cannula. I got terrified. I just don't know what is worse...

I just judged everybody in the clinic. I thought, “I could never work there,” this is so wrong, but how can I be a patient? And in my head, I thought why I chose to be here.

The doctor was not careful. When he did the pelvic exam, he was very rough, what should I expect? I was afraid he would hurt my baby... what a stupid thing to think when you are getting an abortion.

Then the counselor came to talk to me. I know it was her job, but she starting telling me that counseling is not what we have in mind. I knew it was just a business. She just wanted to make sure about my health and, smiling, she asked If I was OK because I was shaking. She ask really fast, they don't want to hear the truth. Maybe I didn't, too. She asked are you sure that is what you want. I should say no. I said, Yes I am!

Then I waited again, and finally got to the operation room. When I saw it, I just wanted run. I can't believe I sat down there. I was ready to give up, and the doctor said relax , and tied my legs. I just looked up, and waited for the IV, and I knew that I could not give up anymore after the IV. I think I should not get anesthesia, so unfair, I'm so coward , I don't want to feel pain. But I allowed my child feel! The last thing I asked is for God to forgive me, and now I know I don't deserve it.

After I woke up in the recovery room, I went to change and I saw the blood. I felt like a monster. I couldn't even look in the mirror.

Now, when I go to the bathroom and see blood, I know is my baby's blood. How could I kill an innocent that has nothing to do with my problems? I'm afraid to go outside and see babies. I'm afraid to turn on the TV, and I'm afraid when December comes, the due date comes, and when Mother's Day comes.

I just feel I want to repair what I did, and have another baby. So stupid! Nothing is going to replace my first child. I don't want to eat, and yesterday I was drinking tea and I checked to see if it had to much caffeine, then I realized I don't need to be careful anymore with what I eat and drink. All I want is to be careful again, the emptiness and the guilt is in my heart. I don't feel taking care of myself if I could not take care of my baby. How selfish I was to think about my problems: I was not raped; I was not going out with a married man; I did not have any risks; and I was 100% sure I had a healthy child.

Now, I don't know when is going to be the right time. People say that there is never a right time, and I'm afraid God is going to punish me and I can't have kids anymore. I should not be afraid. I think I deserve all the punishment, and if I'm crying now I deserve that. I know it was not “tissue,” I know what it was. I know it was wrong, that is the reason why I don't believe in forgiveness sometimes. I was not naive, I was not a teenager. I'm 25, I was not 16. I have no excuses for what I did. Now I'm confused again, but I don't have to make a choice anymore. I wish I had. I see my belly flat, I wish was growing.

I know this pain is never going to be over, I think if I have another child the pain is going to be a little less. But when it is going to be the right time? Do I deserve to be pregnant again? God gave me a gift. I keeping imagining how amazing life is, how amazing it was to have another life inside me, that I could never doubt about God. God really exists! How beautiful is the conception? I just killed something was growing each day inside me. This is not fair.

I found every excuse to not have this baby, now I find every reason to have a baby. I was somebody educated, that was completely pro-life, and I used to judge women that had an abortion. Now I'm just 1 more. In the percentage of woman that regret their abortion, I was sure I would not regret my baby, my own blood.

How can somebody trust me? How can I trust myself again? When I walked out the first time from the clinic, I saw a bird. I looked to the bird and I imagined killing a bird, and I knew I could not do it. That's is a stupid comparison, but how could I kill a baby inside me? I drove my car back home. I was sure I was going to do whatever I could to take care of my baby. I came to this country to be a nanny, how could now be a killer? When I watch TV even if I see an animal take care of their babies that hurts me. I'm now being punished by myself and don't think I deserve enjoy or laugh, when people say, “Hi, how are you?” I give them a fake smile and say, “Good!” I just want to tell everybody that I'm not an angel.

I don't think that society has anything to do with my guilt, neither the pro-choicers. I was never very religious, but I believe in God. I believe in him even more because I got pregnant, and I saw the book , and I know how it is to have a life growing inside you... is just unbelievable. You don't really stop to think about it. A lot of people just don't think about it. I just know I had everything to be happy and I had a gift. It was not going to be wonderful all the time, I know it is difficult to have a child.

So many women would give everything to have one. They tried everything. It is just much more brave to accept the problems than run from them. Now I just have a different kind of problem. I hope I can learn something from this. I wish I didn't have to learn from my own mistakes, because I could learn when I read all the women that regretted their abortion.

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Racheal (Kenya)

2010-06-02T09:48:00.001+12:00

I was 8 weeks gone, with a married man's baby.

The pharmacist recommended a doctor he knew. It was so painful, done without anesthesia. The doctor was a quack, and he ripped off my uterine lining (endometrium). I didn't get my periods for 7 months. I was put on high oestrogen tablets until my periods came back. I don't know if I can have kids anymore.

I wish I never did it.

Abortion Story: Marcelle* (Ghana)

2010-05-05T09:41:00.001+12:00

I am 46 years old now. I had an abortion when I was 14 years old. At that time I was suffering from epilepsy and was on Phenobarbitone. I used to feel highly depressed, unloved, and unwanted, and that made me turn highly promiscuous when I turned 13.

I became pregnant, without realising I was pregnant, because I did not know the symptoms of pregnancy. However, at a certain stage I realised that walking seemed so difficult, and my school uniform kept on tearing everyday despite stitching it every day. It was only at that time that I realised I was pregnant. Despite the fact that I was a child, I decided to keep the baby because I had heard of people who tried aborting a baby and died. My mother also realised it. She called me and asked me who the father was and where he worked. I just mentioned one of the men and where he worked. She said nothing.

The next day she called me and told me that I was going to abort the baby, and that I should not take any food for the afternoon and evening.

I did so, and the next day she took me to a hospital where I undressed myself and then my two legs were put apart and I was put under anaesthesia. By the time I woke up the baby was gone. I felt hollow, but came home without much grief at the time.

In my estimation, the abortion started to affect me more after the age of thirty. I was not able to get married, and still have not married up till this time. I keep on feeling that I wish my mother had made me keep the baby. It hurts me so much, and I sometimes feel like killing myself.

Yes, my depression became worse after the abortion. Yes, I became more sexually active. Yes, I have attempted suicide three times. Actually, I am still being treated for clinical depression and I'm on Prozac.

After more than thirty years, I still cannot forget my baby. I think he was a boy. He was so healthy, and so big.

Actually, were it not for the grace of God, I would have killed myself already. However whenever I become highly depressed, God always sends somebody to me to comfort me. Another thing God has told me over and over again is that, “I died for your sins. You don't need to die for your sins.”

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Ashley (United Kingdom)

2010-04-27T09:22:00.002+12:00

I'm 19 and my boyfriend's 17. I found I was pregnant at 4 weeks. We both are students, and if we told our mums we would not be able to see each other, plus we didn't have any money really, and still lived at home and weren't ready for a baby.

So, we talked and talked and thought about what was for the best, and I made the appointment.

I was scared, at first, and walked out of my first appointment. Then we were going to keep it, and told our mums and they both said to abort it as we weren't both ready, and that we had our lives to look forward to.

So, I made a second appointment and that's when I took the pill. I was so ill for days after it. Every time I went to the toilet, and there was blood, I knew my baby was in there and I was flushing it away.

After that, I didn't get my periods regular like I use to, so I went to the doctor's and found out I might have polycystic ovarian syndrome.

I think God is paying me back for what I did, and that could have been my only chance to have a baby.

I wish I never listened to my mum. I had to pick my family over something that was made with love. I still think about it, if it was a boy or a girl, if it would of looked like me or its dad.

R.I.P. little angel.

Abortion Story: Emma* (United States)

2010-04-23T19:11:00.002+12:00

July 2009, I went out shopping with my friend Becky and I had been freaking out thinking I was pregnant.

Earlier that month I had a 3-some with 2 guy friends… unprotected… a stupid, completely drunk decision that I will forever regret. When you're 20, you think you’re invincible and “that’s not going to happen to me.” I didn’t think about the consequences or what the hell I was doing… I just wanted to do whatever I wanted to do.

Well, I had been scared to get a pregnancy test, so I made Becky purchase it for me. I waited until after the mall to take it… it's funny when you’re that nervous you can’t even pee. We ended up at a Target and I finally peed enough on the stick… to my astonishment the results came back fairly quickly. I looked to match up the lines on the instructions and to my dismay it was positive, but I was unsure because it wasn’t a complete solid second line, but the instructions said OR results could look like this. I was in shock, and Becky was saying, “No, nuh uhhh.”

So, we went and bought another one, except that one said pregnant or not pregnant digitally. Those results came pretty quickly too… it said positive again.

I was in disbelief, and suddenly was trying to figure out what I was going to tell my mother. I knew she had one when she was younger, so she couldn’t really judge me too much, but I was scared, and didn’t want her telling my father either. My dad is very judgmental and the thought of him knowing worried me.

When I got home I told my mother and when she asked with who I lied and said that it was just with Mike. At that moment she made me feel like a slut, unintentionally, asking how many guys I’ve slept with. I lied about that, too.

She didn’t want to keep it a secret, but finally agreed to not say anything to my dad, but if he questioned anything she would spill the beans.

I kept stalling on making an appointment because I didn’t know what to do or say. My mom had called our family doctor, I’ve been to since I was a baby, and asked him where I could go since she trusts him. He told me of a clinic in Troy.

Eventually, my mom called and figured everything out for me. All I had to do is call and make the appointment. I did, and the appointment was for 8:30am on 9-11-2009. I didn’t realize the day that it was.

Since I didn’t want my father finding out, I asked my friend B to take me. I spent the night at her house and we were to leave at 7am. B had said she told her mom not to ask about where we were going since it was private. And yet while B was in the bathroom, her mother came in and started questioning me. So I just told her, and even to this day it still pisses me off she did that to me.

We woke up and got ready in the morning, and I put my phone in my pocket and moved my car. After I hopped in B’s car and we took off to the clinic… so many miles down the road, I realized I forgot my phone and was kind of upset because I figured my dad would text me eventually that day.

Anyway B stopped and got Tim Horton’s. All I got was apple juice.

Finally we got there. It was a small waiting room that was filled with women of all color and ages. I checked in and they gave me a bunch of forms to fill out. They took a few of us back to watch a video about abortion and the procedure and I kind of blocked it out. I went back to sit by B after the video and continued to fill out paperwork. They finally called me back to finish my paperwork and take my $405. I was nervous. They said there was a private waiting room with a TV, so without thinking I went to that one instead of back to B. I probably sat there for an hour or so watching TV until they called me to get an ultrasound. Then, after more hours passed and it was time for them to take my blood, temperature, and some other vitals. Then it was back to watching TV… then I realized it was 9/11. I remember thinking, “Oh, great, I’ll remember this day and be reminded for the rest of my damn life.”

I remember sitting there staring at other women, wondering what their story was, and wanting to ask them how they were feeling at the moment. I knew I had to get this done. I didn’t want to be judged. I didn’t like the situation I was in… lying to my parents, and about not knowing who the father of the baby was. Especially since the one potential father, Cody, had just lost a baby and got out of basically a mental house because he was so distraught about losing his child.

I figured it was probably his and not the other possible father Mike’s at all since I had sex with Cody twice that night.

Eventually they called me in… it was time for my procedure. I remember sitting there laughing at the calming music one second and then next wanting to cry. I looked around the room for the possible machine that would take care of my little problem… it freaked me out. Finally the male doctor came in which also freaked me out because I’ve only ever had women ob-gyns. A female assistant followed him.

They laid me on my back on the table with my legs in the stirrups. First they put the IV in my hand for my medication I had bought. When they started the termination. I felt a pressure and my instinct was so push away and close my legs. They kept yelling at me to calm down… finally it was all over. I was to get dressed and put a pad on in my underwear.

They then took me into a dark room filled with girls in recliners… they put me in one. I burst into tears… I was sooo overwhelmed it was insane. Eventually I calmed down… they told me to sit at a table and fill out a survey and I could eat the cookies and crackers and drink the tea or some water. I was nauseated like I had been earlier, before the procedure. I ran to the bathroom and started to puke.

Finally I was able to check out and get my care package. I got out around 3:30pm. The whole waiting process had taken 10 times longer than the actual procedure. Once B and I took off down 16 mile I felt weird. We finally got on I94 when I grabbed a plastic bag and started vomiting into it. The bag had a hole in it and my puke leaked onto my lap. We stopped at Tim Horton so I could change my pants and grab some food. I was weak.

Eventually we got back to B’s. I got my phone out and had angry messages on my voicemail from my father of him wondering where I was, and why I wasn’t answering. I was scared to answer and told him I forgot my phone.

B and I went to take a nap on her couches in her basement. I didn’t really fall asleep and it was getting later. I received a text message from dad saying my mom told him, and how much he was worried about me and how much he loved me. It was a very relieving text. Finally, I got enough strength to drive home. When I got there my dad just hugged me and so did my mom. I was sooo tired and weak and had a cigarette with my mom and told her of my experience. I then called my best friend Jess to tell her how everything went. I laid on the couch and was babied by my parents.

Fast forward:

4-23-2010

I have had nothing but regret and “what ifs” since this abortion. I find myself looking at babies and wanting to take that day back and have mine. I even once made up a nursery from online pictures for my “baby” I didn’t even have. I told myself this is what its room would look like if I had them. I’ve also looked up baby names for girls and boys. It drives me crazy I didn’t know the sex of the baby… that I didn’t give it a chance. That I let what others might think affect me. I told myself I killed my baby I’m already a horrible mother. I find myself wanting one.

I had a dream I was pregnant and my water broke. I went to the hospital and delivered my baby BOY. I named him Cody. I kept second guessing the name. Eventually, I left the hospital without the baby and I wanted to go back, but for some reason I couldn’t and it upset me. I still am upset for the decision I have made. I find myself thinking, too, what if I had known it was Mike’s for sure… would I be a mother of his child right now? And how would it have been? Would we have gotten into a relationship, or what? If it was Cody’s, I would never want to be in a relationship with him. And I told my mom it was Mike’s.

This decision has left me depressed and a decreased sex drive. I regret what I did, but people are different. I never EVER thought I would feel like this, but I do and all I can do is learn from it and know that things happen for a reason.

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Brittney (United States)

2010-04-21T16:11:00.003+12:00

I'm a sophomore in high school. In September (the beginning of my sophomore year), I found out I was 2 months pregnant. I was devastated. It was the worst thing I had ever found out. I was terrified. I couldn't tell anyone because I knew if my parents found out they would flip.

I finally told the dad and he said, Are you kidding me? You and your stupid a** baby are going to ruin my life. What about my life? Doesn't my life matter?

I went to my step mom and she asked me what I wanted to do. I had no clue, and that's when she suggested abortion. she told me all about it, and me and her finally agreed. We set up an appointment. When I got there I was crying hysterically and doctor kept telling me everything was going to be OK. it hurt soooo bad and I knew I was killing MY baby. I felt horrible and helpless.

I am now with an amazing boy who cares about me a lot. Two weeks ago I found out that I am 2 months pregnant with my second child. Marcus is very supportive and, even though we know this is going to be hard, we want this baby so bad. I live with him, and his family, and my family has nothing to do with me. It bothers me, at times, but I have learned to get through it. I am due in September.

I just want any girl that is reading this to think very hard. If you are pregnant, don't let anyone else make you do it, or talk you into it.

Abortion Story: Malendy* (United States)

2010-04-06T09:39:00.002+12:00

I told a guy I really liked I was pregnant because I had moved. So he right away told me, please have an abortion. He couldn't raise a child, plus he was 4 years older than I was. I was 16 and he was 20. He already had a son, so I made the story up of being pregnant. After I told him I'd had an abortion, we stopped talking.

I met a new guy from where I lived and he got me pregnant. He really liked me, but I still like my former lover.

I ended up aborting my baby because of the guy I was in love with.

I broke up with my baby's daddy with no explanation. I didn't think. I just rapidly decided, “BOOM,” abortion came to my mind.

I never thought I would end up being a teenage mom. I regret it so much. If I had a time changer I would go back to that day and made sure I didn't take those pills. It seemed so easy.

I started feeling so sad, depressed, hate, anger with everybody. I stopped going to church because I thought it is one of the deadly sins. I was 8 weeks when I found out, and till this day I cry myself to sleep knowing I could have been a mother. Now its been a year since this happened, and it totally changed me. It's like my child took my heart with it. I have hate toward everybody! I have hate in myself. Don't ever do something, like abort, for your selfish needs.

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Claire* (United States)

2010-03-31T08:52:00.003+13:00

I am only 16 years old. It was on my birthday that I got pregnant. It was an accident. I was on birth control, but forgot to take it the night before. Me and my boyfriend thought it was OK for him to “go” inside of me. Not remembering, I forgot my pill, and it was my last one for that month.

One month later my period did not come. I thought maybe it was just complications with my new pills until I started feeling “funny,” woozy, and weak. That night, me and my boyfriend went to his friend's house. The subject came up about us being worried about me being pregnant. His friend insisted on us finding out that night. Neither one of us had any money, so his friend paid for my test. We went with a cheap one, at first, and I went to the park to take it.

Zach, my boyfriend, didn't believe me, and said the test was not clear enough, so Robby, his friend, decided to buy one that said it digital. On the way back to the store, I was in the middle of the truck and Zach sort of denied me, and I tried to remain hushed as I cried. Zach was there for me at first.

We went back to Zach's house where I had to sort of sneak in cause his parents hated me. I went to the restroom to only discover that yet I was 100% pregnant. I did not want to lose Zach, so I blurted out abortion. He was OK with it. So I went home, and went to bed, and went to school the next day at my new school (I had just moved). There, I had to confide in someone, it was too much alone.

I went into deep depression and tried to hide it from my parents. I was so scared of being kicked out. But Zach's mom found out, and told me that she would pay, and that she would pose as my mother (illegal) and get it done.

She forced it upon me. I hadn't even made my mind up yet about it. But she told me, over and over, Zach wasn't ready. (He is 20 years old! He is more ready than me!) So, 2 weeks later, she and Zach came and got me. My parents still did not know, but when I drove 2 hours only to find out I could not get it done 'cause I had not listened to the hot line number yet. They sent me home and scheduled me for the next Saturday; the weekend of my Christmas break.

Between that time, me and Zach split because he went crazy (another story) and it was just harder. So, just his mom came and got me, and we had it done. I cried and just screamed with my eyes shut. People told me over and over it was my decision. It was not it was forced or else I would have nowhere to go, no-one to want me.

But that night before I told my mother. She was upset. I was scared, so I told her Zach raped me. I told her his real age and she told me to just get it done, forget about it, and carry on with my life. It's that easy. Zach's mother wanted me to not tell him, so I didn't until 2 days later. Guilt ate me alive. I called him. His mom was listening in and started yelling, calling me a stupid bitch and a whore and a baby killer. But me and Zach secretly got back together behind both our parents' back. But I caved in and told my mom I lied, that Zach did not rape me. I'm now allowed to be around Zach, but he is not allowed near me, so he still has to sneak.

My life is now hell. All my friends call me a baby killer. Everyone knows my secret and Zach's parents scream at me every time they see me. His dad has made my life hell, and my and Zach's relationship is hell, also we have been through so much together. I love him, but don't know what to do with my life.

I feel worthless and depressed. I'm no longer in school (I'm home-schooled) all because one decision to have sex. Stupid, like, and now I have no-one. All I want is my son, “Bently,” back into my life on July 22. I wish I could still have the chance to see him. I was 9 weeks, almost 10, and to this day I look at his sonogram every morning and night. Life is so much harder than I thought it would be, and now I don't know were I'll end up.

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Celine* (United States)

2010-03-17T17:23:00.001+13:00

I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant and a lot went through my mind. Should I keep it, give it up, or abort? I knew those were my only options.

The father was my ex-boyfriend that I had started seeing again. He had just enlisted in the army and would be leaving in April. When I looked at the test, and saw the positive result, I immediately called him and my tone of voice gave it away.

When I was 8 weeks along I decided that the abortion would be the best thing because I didn't want to be alone.

When I was in the clinic all I wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs, but it was too late. It had already begun. I immediately knew I had made the wrong decision. I was selfish.

Knowing that my baby had a heartbeat, and little webbed hands and feet, kills me. A little part of me died that day... and I'll never forgive myself.

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Terri* (Canada)

2010-03-14T14:42:00.004+13:00

I am 19 years old I had my abortion a short two days ago (March 11th 2010). I've recently found out that I cannot have children because I have anovulation. I've always wanted children of my own. But my chances of becoming pregnant were very unlikely if not virtually impossible, it broke my heart.

I had sex with my best friend Adrian. We were unprotected and looking back at it I feel so stupid for letting him get the better of me. But I loved him, a lot and had so for many years. We began talking about maybe bringing our relationship further but he had to take care of some business before we would become official he went to visit family for about a month and within the week we were together and the time he left my life had changed.

It didn’t surprise me that the week I was supposed to start my period I was late. This wasn’t an unusual thing for me. Two, three day’s tops and then I would start my period. But shortly after a week and a half and still nothing it started to raise some alarm. There was no way I could be pregnant but I went to the store and bought a test, I took it the next morning and it said positive. At first I kind of shook it off; I’m sort of a skeptic about these types of things because they are only about 99.9% rights. But when I still hadn’t started almost two weeks I decided to get two more just to be sure, again positive. My heart started racing, I called my doctor to make an appointment and then say her only a few days after. She did a urine sample and blood sample and both again came out positive.

I was extremely shocked, I couldn’t believe that after being told that it was very unlikely that I would have children I was about three weeks pregnant. I felt more excited then anything else, but after things sunk in I began freaking out about how I’d tell my parents and the father nonetheless. I couldn’t wait though; I sent him an e-mail and told him the good news. But I got a very different response from him. He told me that he couldn’t deal with this and we’d ‘talk’ about it when he got back. Which was understandable such huge news while he was away from me.

Next I had to tell my mom. I kept running over all the scenarios in my head; would she be angry, would she be upset? When I finally mustered the courage she was more disappointed than anything. She began telling me that I had to seriously think about this, we have a lot of health issues in our family and the stress of having a baby could activate – so to speak, symptoms. She kept asking me about my dreams and how I was planning on taking on this responsibility if I have no job. How would I go to school, etc. I felt hurt because having a baby has always been my dream, and after being told I wouldn’t be able too and now I was pregnant?! I’d figure it all out: There are a lot of opportunities here to help mothers out.

When the father finally came home he wouldn’t talk to me. He never answered my calls, or e-mails. I found out from a mutual friend that he was dating his ex-girlfriend and wanted nothing to do with me. I finally went to talk to him and told him that this was his child and I didn’t care if he didn’t want anything to do with me, but he would pay child support and he had a choice: to either at least be around for our baby’s sake, or never know them at all. He retaliated and told me that I should just get ride of it. He said that this baby would only be a reminder of what we had, and if I kept it he and I would never be together.

For about two weeks, between my mother and the father of the baby, I was going completely crazy and eventually my own voice was drowned by theirs. I look back at it now and wonder why I let them talk me into being selfish? I have always been a giving person, I never complain out loud and I suffer in silence. I’ve never done anything for myself or to benefit myself, I just go out of my way to please others and that’s exactly what I did but instead of loosing my free time or some money I killed an innocent child, and what could have been my last chance of ever having a family.

I went to the doctor and I cried while he talked to me. He could tell that I didn’t want to do this, but I said yes and I could tell he kept telling himself it was my nerves. He did an ultrasound on me – which, to my guess, was a plea for me to reconsider. He showed me my baby… babies. I was carrying twins, it was too early to tell, but he said it was very likely they were fraternal.

The day of the procedure I cried, I cried during and after. When I got home I hated myself more because after the drugs had worn off I felt normal – a little empty but normal as could be expected.

Today I went to see my best friend in the hospital, she had her son – she’s 18. I had never seen her happier in the entire time I’ve known her, than I did when the nurse gave him to her. I’ve never been more envious of a person in my life, I’m sitting here wondering how I could let the father and my mother convince me that this was the right choice. I have a lot of friends who either are pregnant or have already had children and they all say the same thing to me. I’ve never been happier in my life. They all struggle, they’re all in different situations but at the end of the day it doesn’t matter to them because they’ve got their kids, and I look at myself now… and I’ve got less than nothing…

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Christie* (United Kingdom)

2010-02-09T12:45:00.003+13:00

It was November 2009 when I found out I was pregnant. Being 19 in university I was leaning towards abortion as I wanted to bring a baby up in a stable environment.

At 5 weeks I had the pill form of abortion taking one pill 2 days before taking 3 little ones that gave me the worst pain I have ever felt. I didn't pass the pregnancy in the hospital, but at home when on the phone to my boyfriend of 2 years. He wanted the abortion, also, as he felt the same as I did. Once that was over, I felt fine after a few days, and carried on as normal. My partner and I had sex with protection waiting for my period so I could have the bar put in my arm that stops pregnancy for 3 years.

Unfortunately, I fell pregnant straight away, and was mortified. I didn't want to go through all of the pain again. The worst part was that the pregnancy was not detected till I was 7-8 weeks and, due to being an emotional mess, I didn't know what to do.

I looked at the scan and saw a heart beat and felt life. Even though I felt like death with sickness and depression. Eventually, talking with my mum and dad they would support me no matter what and my partner was willing to keep it.

But I still had doubts. I waited till I was 10 weeks, and decided I didn't want to continue with the pregnancy. So once again I had to go through pain. The decision I hoped wouldn't be judges by doctors and it wasn't. They felt sympathy for me and gave me advice and help. I had blood tests, etc., and had the first pill and cried, for the 2 days I was home, hysterically! I blamed myself only and that I deserved bad things to happen to me.

I went in those 2 days later, and had the 3 tablets but instead of 3 I was given 2 and fell asleep for an hour. A nurse woke me up to canula me up and I started being sick violently. I felt a slight cramp and went to the toilet and there one hour later was my baby. I cried and screamed because I'd realised what I had done to my child. It looked like a little person I knew then I wanted to die because of what I did.

But after that I went to my bed feeling no pain, but after 2 mins a shot hit my stomach and blood was everywhere! I was bleeding so hard I soaked my pad, knickers, pants, bedding, and actual bed, to the floor. A rush of doctors and nurses ran in, and I passed out from losing so much blood.

I had another canula needle put in my other hand, and two drips forced into me along with injections. The problem was that my placenta wasn't shifting, causing terrible bleeding and clotting. After 2-3 hours, I was stable and not bleeding as badly. I was kept on drips, etc., for a couple of days to get me back together, then I finally felt ok.

Mentally I am totally messed as it's still raw and painful. I am now back on the pill, but emotionally I will be this way for a while.

Everyone not wanting a baby should be protected. Simple!

If I get pregnant, by mistake, again, I will keep it regardless. But, on the pill, I want to control when having my family starts.

I don't judge anyone who has been through this, because until you have you can't have a fair opinion. Some people bring lives into this world in terrible conditions without money to even look after them. I tried to do the right thing at a terrible cost.

If you have been through this my advice is remember why you decided to go through with it, but ask for help and someone unrelated to talk to. As you will be filled with sadness, regret, and pain, to fill the emptyness inside. But in the long run a family should be happy news and make you happy. Just talk before you continue and ask for support. Even writing on a random blog about your experience helps create some closure but still it's a horrible journey.

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Bonnie (New Zealand)

2010-01-26T12:23:00.002+13:00

I found out that I was pregnant at 9 weeks. Naturally, I was shocked, but furthermore, I was taken aback, I hadn't slept with anyone within the past 3 months, I didn't understand how this could be possible.

I calculated the dates myself, discovered how far along I was, and when the possible conception period was. That's when the low blow came... I realise I'd been raped by a person that I had really trusted. I remember waking up with a ripped dress, and a cut and blood across my head, but thinking that I had just gotten foolishly drunk and tripped over. I don't remember much from the night that it happened at all.

I spent 2 weeks ripping my life apart, examining my options, until I finally went to the doctor and got the necessary check-ups. Seeing my baby for the first time over an ultrasound made me feel so happy, so complete.

I had become so attached to this child, I was confident that I did not judge it from the way that it had been conceived, that was irrelevant. There was no way that I couldn't love my child that was developing inside of me.

I told my mother, including the way that it had happened. She told me that she would only support me along the path of a termination. So along we went to the doctor and he made the necessary arrangements.

This is really not what I wanted. I voiced that, and I was told by the doctor that I could stop at anytime along this path, there was still time.

My first visit to the abortion clinic resulted in my application being denied. They could tell that I was lieing and would not approve me, as I was so unsure.

After being told that I had ruined my mother's life and forced her into taking anti-depressants because of the trauma I was causing her, I went back and got approved. They scheduled the termination for 7 hours after my approval.

Arriving at the hospital and taking the necessary pills to break away the placenta, I knew that now there was no going back. I immediately did not want to continue with the procedure but there is nothing that I could have done, within hours my baby would not have survived because of the drugs that I had taken to induce the abortion.

As I got taken into theatre, I felt like vomiting. This was not the morning sickness nausea. This was my incredible grief that I was about to take away my childs' life.

I was given an oxygen mask with 'laughing gas' and I inhaled very deeply. That was all I could focus on, I could not stop laughing. I felt no pain nor discomfort.

As soon as the mask was taken away from me, the surgeon said "It's all over now". I burst into uncontrollable tears, that did not stop for hours. What he had just said to me, meant that my baby's life was over. My little boy or girl never had a chance to see this world.

It has been a month and a half and I still cannot cope with the immense grief.

I can forgive the man that raped me.

I can never forgive myself for taking my child's life.

Abortion Story: Evaline* (Australia)

2010-01-19T09:58:00.004+13:00

I've just turned 20 and it has been 7 months and 4 days since I had an abortion, in 5 days my baby's due date will arrive and with it the realisation that none of this has been a dream I'm yet to wake up from. 24/1/2010 will come and go and my arms won't be holding my tiny, delicate, new-born baby. This just goes to reinforce the emptiness I've felt since the day I booked the abortion.

It was the 4th June 2009 that my partner and I found out I was pregnant. I'd been sick for 4 days before we finally booked me into an after hours GP. Looking back, we knew we were pregnant before me even went there.We tried so hard to cover up to the doctor that I could be pregnant, and left out any symptoms that could indicate I was. Still he got me to do a pregnancy test.

I was strangely calm as I peed onto the stick. The two lines showed up clear and dark red almost immediately. I took the test into the room where the doctor confirmed I was pregnant. Joy hit me so hard at that moment, and I tried hard to hide my smile, this was supposed to be a sombre moment... wasn't it?

I held my partner's hand in the car on the way home, and gripped the positive test in my other hand. It was nearly midnight by the time we arrived back home. Straight away, I went to my room and put the test in the shoebox I keep under my bed that holds all the other little trinkets from my past that are special to me in some way.

It wasn't until my partner and I were both in bed shortly after that I burst into tears. What should we do? I knew with every fibre in my body that I wanted this baby, I loved it already. My lovely boyfriend was reassuring and gentle and said we shouldn't make any decisions 'til we know for sure.

So the next day we went to our GP, she booked a blood test for us the same day. We went. We got the results the next day. I was approximately 7 weeks pregnant. My GP was overjoyed for me and congratulating us, my partner and I just sat there smiling awkwardly and holding hands. She must have picked up on this because she gave us a referral to get an ultrasound and a referral to the local family planning centre “incase we wanted an abortion.”

I burst into tears the second we got back to the car. I wanted this baby, but deep down I knew that logic would win over. I changed my mind every day. My partner would have the same emotional, tear filled argument. He really is the perfect guy. He vowed he would honour whatever my decision I made. Together we went through the pros and cons of keeping the baby. The list of cons was enormous, the only thing on my pros list was 1. I love this baby, and 2. this is OUR baby.

But, we had only been together for 9 months at that stage, living together for 6. I'm a full time university student, we live in a sharehouse we can barely afford to pay rent and put food in the fridge. How can we possibly afford a baby? My partner begged me to give him more time, he wants to make it right, have a baby when we're ready. I knew the logic of his words, and I guess ultimately his emotional request to me to give him more time to be the best daddy he can be was what made my decision. He also begged me not to hate him for begging me.

So, I booked the abortion for 15th June. It felt, to me, like impending doom. One night I made a final emotional appeal to my partner to keep the baby. I put his hand on my stomach and told him that our baby was in there, how could I possibly kill it? He moved his hand away so fast it was like he'd been burned. I have never even to this day told him just how much that seemingly insignificant gesture hurt. So this was it? I was 19, disowned by my family, living with my boyfriend of 9 months, penniless and knocked up. Wow, I was turning out to be everything my parents condemned me to be. My self esteem went through the floor. I spent the next few days trying to survive, I studied, and sat my university exams. I'm surprised I passed to be honest.

The day finally came. I was an emotional wreck, I didn't speak a word to anyone simply because I knew that if I opened my mouth I would cry uncontrollably. Silent tears were already streaming down my cheeks. My partner and I sat in the waiting room filling out form after form. I was then ushered into a dull room with a TV and about 4 other crying girls. We all sat there in our hospital gowns waiting for our names to be called. Mine finally was, and I walked into another room where I was given an ultrasound. I couldn't see the screen, maybe that was a good thing. I wanted so badly to stop it right there. I was really going through with killing my baby? Instead I asked for a printout of the ultrasound. Then the doctor sat me down and lectured me about birth control. He gave me a prescription for the pill and to me every time I look at it I'm transported back into that moment. Barely keeping myself together.

Then they hurried my into an operating theatre and asked me to remove my underwear, and could I please put my feet into the stirrups? The next thing I remember is being woken up by a nurse telling me it's time to get up. I was in the 'recovery ward'. It took me a minute to understand what was going on, a minute ago my baby was still alive.

Then the most horrific realisation hit me, I can't explain in words just how I felt at that moment except that I knew my baby was dead. What had I done? Everything after that is a blur. A few days later I finally brought myself to open the envelope they had given me to take home, it contained pamphlets on vasectomy and chlamydia and a few medical things that I didn't completely understand, but I got the gist of it. I was 8 weeks pregnant and they had sucked my baby out, taking with it my soul.

I cried myself to sleep almost every night, until recently, since that day. My partner and I have since spoken about it a couple of times. It's an extremely painful topic for both of us. I can't tell you how long I 'tracked my baby's growth' with online pregnancy calculators. Every time it was, “It would have been this big now and I would be feeling this and looking like that.” I don't know if this coping mechanism made me feel better or worse.

To this day, I get sensations in my lower stomach that feel like kicking. I like them because it makes me feel like my baby's with me in a way. I have never felt whole since that day and I don't expect I will ever truly get over killing my baby. Prior to all of this I was pro-choice. I guess I still am, but not for myself.

The next time I fall pregnant, I'm going to be a mother. I guess I am a mother now in a sense of the word, but only a shadow mother. My house mate went to a psychic the other day. I had always been extremely skeptical about that kind of stuff, but she said to my housemate, “The girl you live with who had the abortion, tell her it is a boy.” I was rocked to the very core to hear that. How can this lady have possibly known about my abortion, the baby IS a boy? This seemingly simple statement has cemented in me a belief in life after death I had never previously held. I'm a science girl, I think. But my son was there with my housemate that day, and I now firmly believe that one day I will see him and hold him and kiss him, all the things I can't do now.

I haven't told my partner about this, but I named our son Caleb, it's funny. My first instinct was that my baby was a boy, so to me he has always been Caleb. But it is a beautiful, intensely personal moment of a night when I tell Caleb, “Goodnight, Mummy loves you.” I hope Caleb forgives me for terminating his life. I'm only now starting out on the road to forgive myself.

On the 24th I will celebrate his due-date by writing a letter to him telling him how much I love him and miss him every day. In the envelope, I have a hand weaved bracelet I want to put in there. I'm going to burn the letter and bracelet with the flame from a white candle, and scatter the ashes into the wind so that maybe Caleb can read the letter for himself. I have a matching bracelet to the one meant for Caleb, I haven't decided yet whether I will wear it or place in the shoebox under my bed alongside the positive pregnancy test and the ultrasound photograph showing my tiny bean-shaped son and his heart-beat. If I had seen that heartbeat in action on that nightmare of a day, I'm sure I would have stopped the abortion and saved his life and myself from feeling the way I have for the last 7 months.

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Amanda (United States)

2004-09-07T14:06:00.003+12:00

First, I want to say that I believe women who have posted their stories online are helping others know that there are other women who have had abortions.

I just recently started looking up abortion stories online because I am starting to have post-traumatic depression. I thought that reading other people's stories would help me. Which it has tremendously. To know that there are other women out there who have had abortions, and they are going through the same thing, makes me feel a little better.

My story began last summer. I just moved out of my house in August because my mother, who is very strict, wanted to control my life and who I dated.

I met my boyfriend in June of last year and didn't want to have anything to do with him because he was labeled as the town player. I live in a very small town where everyone knows your business. Well, so a month later after many phone calls and following me around, I finally went out on a date with him. My mother knew nothing of this because she would have freaked out. So I fell for him once I got to know him. Which he really wasn't that bad of a guy. In July we actually got together and started dating.

Well, in the middle of August I moved into his house. Which didn't go over too well with my mother. She disowned me until Christmas time. But still has nothing to do with my boyfriend. She won't acknowledge the fact he exists.

I was going to start college for my second year and I decided I needed my freedom. Well, we were having unprotected sex in which the only method of birth control was him pulling out. Which, later on, I learned that you still have a 80% chance of getting pregnant. Which in my case I did.

So, I just started school and I knew something was wrong with me. I was tired and cranky and hungry all the time. Which was weird because I was always healthy. I know my body really well. So I just got an appointment at Planned Parenthood so I could start getting my BC pills. While I was there I should have asked for a pregnancy test but I didn't.

Well that following week I was coming back from class and I started crying my eyes out for no reason. I knew then I was pregnant. You have this motherly instinct and you just know. So I came home to my boyfriend, outside working on his truck, and he asked me what was wrong and I told him. He didn't believe me so I went and got a pregnancy test that night and took it. Which I was pregnant.

He sat there with me and I cried because I knew that I couldn't have this baby. He told me not to have it because he has two kids and doesn't want any more. But my reasons were that my family wouldn't accept it, and I was going to school and I have no job.

So, I decided then and there that I would have an abortion. It was the worst decision I would ever have to make in my whole life. To know that you killed your own child before getting to know him or her. I just kept on telling myself that I could get through this and everything will be alright as if it never happened. Wrong!

That following week, I made an appointment at the clinic. I went in for a physical to make sure that I was pregnant and how many weeks I was. So I went in and I had an ultrasound and I was so numb to everything I couldn't even think straight. I do remember seeing my baby on the monitor and them saying I was five weeks. At first they had a hard time finding him but they eventually found him. I remember that they had his picture for my chart. I remember thinking that you're not supposed to have those pictures unless you are having a baby and you are taking your ultrasound pictures home.

I felt so horrible. But after my little checkup they set the date for my abortion. Which I cannot remember. It was either the last week of September or the first week of October. I have tried so hard to forget that I have had an abortion that I cannot remember the dates that well.

So the following week I went in and my boyfriend came with me and sat out in the car while I went in. While going to the door I heard the picketers screaming bloody murder. Which I think those people need to get a life and leave others alone. I was so mad at them. Because they were making it harder on me than I already was on myself.

So, I went in and got checked in. I was surprised to see so many girls there my age. I never thought of that. I felt more comfortable in my numbness. I sat there for about 3 hours in the morning, and was starting to feel nauseous because of my pregnancy. I was then six weeks which is the starting point for the other symptoms. Then finally I was called back to the back. I met with the doctor and he gave me my pills to have my abortion. I chose the pill abortion because I felt that I could go home and not feel as bad and it wouldn't feel like an abortion. We talked for about 15 mins about everything and if I had and questions. He was very sympathetic, which made me feel better.

So I came out and went to the car where my cowardly boyfriend was. I got in the car and cried all the way home. Once I got home, I took my pills and waited. The abortion happened 30 minutes after I took the pills. These pills act like the baby is a cancerous cell and kills it. Basically that is what the pill does. Which is horrible. Then I started to feel the affects, I threw up so bad, then I was in horrible pain. And I bled so bad. This lasted one day then my other two days I just bled, but had no pain or other affects. While I was in pain. My boyfriend had his kids come down. Which was a big slap in the face to me. I cried so hard. Every since my abortion I cannot stand to be around his kids. Because I knew that he didn't want mine.

Now, a year later, I am still with my boyfriend. I have a year left in college. My family doesn't know anything about my abortion except for my father. My parents are divorced. Which my father didn't care either way.

I have depression problems. I also have anger problems. These past few months I have been having nightmares. I have been crying about my abortion. If I could, I would take my decision back. But, I believe he is in heaven with God.

I do want to get married and have kids. But I will always have to live with the fact that I killed my own child. It is hard to see my boyfriend with his kids and him loving them and saying he would do anything for them when he wanted me to abort my child. He didn't even care.

It is hard, because I have no place to go. I am taking this semester off because I took summer classes. Now I am looking for a job and possibly moving out of my boyfriend's house and living with my girlfriends at school. This abortion has affected my life. I pray that others will read my story and will think before getting an abortion. If I had more knowledge I would have had my baby. But I didn't. The worst mistake of my life. But I have to live with my mistakes.

Abortion Story: Sam (United Kingdom)

2004-08-23T20:06:00.001+12:00

I don't know why I am going to write this, as it's bringing everything to the surface, but my name's Sam and I'm 22 years old.

I met my boyfriend and, after 3 or 4 months I became pregnant. We decided that I should have an abortion, without talking to any of our families, as he is a Catholic and they disagree with abortions, and I thought my parents would go mad because we hadn't been together very long. I knew my boyfriend was the one, but I wasn't sure I was the one for him. You dunno what's around the corner, do you? I found it hard, but I thought it was for the best, so I had a termination.

I didn't deal with it all too well. I think it changed me as a person. Me and my partner argued a lot and I had a lot of emotional outbursts. Anyway, I was finally getting on track when I fell pregnant again about a year later.

We had been together nearly 2 years, by now, and I always promised myself that I would never have an abortion ever again, but I did. I don't like to talk about it, now. I feel numb when I do. To walk in that operating room is the worst thing any girl could experience. We again got scared and didn't have the money, and in some ways maybe we were being selfish.

But then, 3 months down the line, we are now buying our house. My partner's family are giving us a lot of money for a deposit, and the house is a 3 bedroom and perfect in every way, so we could have kept our baby if we knew we were gonna get that money and a home.

I hurt, and it crosses my mind everyday. It will never go away. All I can say is every girl should think really hard before doing it because they would be making the biggest mistake of their lives if they didn't. I'm paying every day for the the 2 mistakes I made, and I will do for the rest of my life.

Abortion Story: Anna (United States)

2004-08-23T19:31:00.002+12:00

I walked through a line of picketers. I didn't want an abortion, but I was afraid to go home pregnant.

My father gave me 20 minutes to decide. He said that he did not want to lose me; he was being very nice which was unusual.

I hated the abortion. Wanted to stand up and run.

I'm still very sad.

Abortion Story: Jasmine (New Zealand)

2004-08-17T12:08:00.003+12:00

I'm 19, and just had an abortion 2 weeks ago.

I hate it, I can never stop thinking about it, or what it would be like if I had of kept it.

Yah know, that could've been my little girl running around cuddling me, calling mum, looking at me with my eyes.

At the time, I was living overseas, away from my family and friends.

I was late with my period, so I got a home pregnancy test. Well, it was positive. I was so scared, I didn't know what to do. I put it to the back of my head, didn't want to think it was.

I didn't have a boyfriend.

Finally, I told my mother. About a month later, I came home. By this time, I was almost 3 months.

I had already decided there was no way I was keeping it. So 5 days after I got home, I got it done.

It was so quick, I didn't think, I know I didn't. I was being selfish, only thinking of me, not of another life inside of me.

I killed it. I hate it. I want it back soo bad. I want my baby.

Yah know, what I hate the most after the operation? No scars, not even a sore stomach. I was fine, even though I just commited murder!

I love my baby and miss it.

Why did I do it?

Abortion Story: Nadine* (United States)

2004-07-05T12:13:00.004+12:00

My sweet child, I write this for you so that you can know that I have not, and will not, ever forget you.

I was only 18 when I realized you had come to me. For two months I had suspicions, but denied you. Only after taking several tests, I finally agreed to accept you. Keeping you hidden from the world, you were my little angel. My little secret. I chose to give you back because I wanted so much more for you, and for myself.

I can remember lying on the operating table, and arguing with the doctor when he told me that you were just a specimen, and would be discarded in no time. Damn you! I said. She's more to me then that. (I know in my heart you were a girl.)

Since I gave you back, my heart had been filled with this awful emptyness. I'm 20 now, and today is July 4th. On the 13th, it will have been two years since the abortion.

I want you to know that I think of you every day. And, every day, I am filled with shame and guilt for what I did to you.

I can only pray that, in time, God will forgive me for what I have done. I can only pray that, in time, I can learn to love and forgive myself for what I have done.

For anyone that is considering an abortion, I want you to know that for nine weeks I carried my daughter under my heart. And now for the rest of my life that's where she'll stay.

My precious baby, your mummy loves you!

* Not her real name.

Abortion Story: Lee* (United States)

2004-06-09T11:51:00.003+12:00

On, or around, July 10, 1990, my live-in boyfriend forced himself on me. About a day, or so, after, I told him that I was breaking up with him, moving out, moving in with a couple of friends, and beginning to date someone new.

I moved to another state, not knowing that I was already around four days pregnant as a result of what my soon-to-be-ex boyfriend did to me.

I was so hurt and shocked by what “Sarge” did, that I literally moved several hundred miles away.

I was too too freaked out, too scared, and too hurting, to report Sarge to his command. I feared what the Army would've done to Sarge, as well as to me.

I thought the Army would try to make me look like I deserved it; I “had it coming” for breaking up with, and leaving, Sarge.

In late July, early August 1990, I called Sarge long-distance. He was stationed at Fort [name withheld], the same base as his brother was stationed at.

I was just eighteen. Scared, and aside from a small handful of new “friends” and a potential new boyfriend, I was pretty much alone.

So when I heard Sarge's voice, I just cried, and cried, and couldn't stop. I told him that I missed him, and that I was scared. When he asked if I was pregnant, I cried even harder.

Basically, he told me it (being pregnant and our baby) “wasn't his problem” and for me to “find a way to take care of it.” Again, “it” meaning Sarge didn't want anything to do with our unborn baby.

Fourteen years, and much counseling, prayer, and tears, later, I've long since forgiven what Sarge did to me. But I cannot forgive the pain, humiliation and dishonor he deliberately did to me; abandoning me when I needed him the most.

We might not have been together, anymore. And I can understand him not wanting to be with me — be together anymore — because our relationship wasn't working out on many different levels, and for just as many different reasons. The biggest of which was (and probably still is) Sarge's inability to be honest with others, himself, and pretty much his wilful inability to keep his dick in his pants.

I can understand not want to be with me — because of the countless fights, tears, and lies, concerning his numerous acts of being unfaithful — but to not want anything to do with his own unborn child - his own baby — to this very day, this is almost unspeakable.

How could such an intelligent, highly trained soldier, and caring uncle that dotes on his nieces and nephews, practically be the family “prodigal son,” turn his back — and heart — on his own unborn child?

My boyfiend, at the time, knew about what Sarge did, and over a few weeks time, he made it clear, in so many subtle, and not so subtle, ways, that he did not feel comfortable, nor want to raise another man's child. Especially a child concieved and born as a result of rape.

So… we talked, we fought, we cried. I pleaded. But (now ex-boyfriend many years later) would not back down from his stance. These were his feelings, his wants, and if I wanted to stay with him, and work things out, this is the way things were going to be.

My abortion was October 18, 1990. I was just 19 years old. The father was 27.

The clinic staff made me feel not only like I was on an assembly line, but if I stopped to look at information, or if I looked like I was scared, and/or having second thoughts, they became impatient. One nurse even raised her voice to me; like how dare I question her.

I barely whimpered — almost like a sad little kitten — and this woman berrated me, and made me feel so scared and lost.

I never saw, experienced, or felt that anyone cared for, or about, me or my unborn child.

No-one ever told me that either of us was, and is, a precious gift from God.

No-one ever approached me, and told me that my baby's life was special.

No-one, not even my boyfriend, made me feel special, protected, or really wanted, or worth these things, for the short time I was pregnant.

Physically, the abortion hurt almost to the point [where] I was seeing little white spots and the ceiling in the operating room was beginning to softly spin.

The “doctor” inserted an instrument, called a tenaculum, in me before he injected me with an anesthetic. I cried out; almost screamed, and gripped the sides of the table. He then injected me with anesthetic that burned like fire, and began to suction my baby out, before I knew what was happening.

I wanted to scream out, “No!!! Stop!!! You're hurting me, and you're killing my baby!!! Please stop!!!”

But sadly, all this, combined with unimaginable cramps, smelling all that blood, and hearing that vaccuum…

It's no wonder, at the age of thirty-two, that I hate vaccuuming floors. It's almost to the point I want to use sweepers, or a plain old fashioned broom, just so I don't hear that awful noise.

The abortion clinic staff made me feel like shit.

The only comfort I recieved afterward was nestling down into a large bean bag chair with an army blanket for around four hours, and then getting a half-hearted hug from my boyfriend when he came to pick me up from the clinic, later that afternoon.

Fourteen years later, and I still don't know if it was a little boy or girl baby I aborted. I've often suspected “it” (my baby) was a girl.

But, I'll never know. Not at least until I draw my last breath, and we meet, once again, in the presence of Jesus.

I miss Sarge. I miss our precious baby. I never wanted us to end. I never wanted to kill my baby!!!

I know God has forgiven me, but forgiving myself has been the hardest of all.

I'm sorry I can't share more, because, right now, I really am in tears. I'm crying right now. For me. For “Sarge”. For our unborn and aborted baby. And for all women and girls who've been emotionally (and often physically) forced into the same hellish place I was, those fourteen years ago.

Also… did I mention, besides the horror of Sarge forcing himself on me, and basically being verbally and emotionally [abusive], forced into this abortion? Sarge's words to me after he was done raping me were these: “I know that hurt you, Lee, but thanks for letting me finish.”

Like I had a choice.

Any choice.

So few, indeed, know of my great pain. Even fewer in my family know. My parents suspect but they've never asked. And I've never told.

My priest knows more than anyone; even more than my therapist nine years ago.

It took me, five years later, some serious months-long, in-depth group and individual counseling and therapy, just to say that Sarge didn't just “force himself on me,” but that he had raped me!

Until then, I was simply too emotionally shocked to say that he raped me. All I could say was that he'd “forced himself on me.”

I can no longer have children as a result of that experience.

And for this, and many other sins, my heart aches exceedingly.

Only God can judge me. And only God's love can help heal my heartbreak.

I ache to hold my baby. And ache that I cannot.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Cari (United States)

2004-05-18T11:33:00.007+12:00

My friend's dad began molesting her, and me, when we were 12. I became pregnant the second or third time.

I was feeling sick for almost 3 months, so I went to the school nurse.

She must have done a pregnancy test on me. She had me pee in a cup. She told me not to tell anyone I was sick.

The following week, she took me out of class, and said I had a doctor's appointment. She said, afterwards I would feel much better.

When I got there, all my clothes were taken from me. I guess they didn't want me to run.

I was scared, but when the doctor said to get on the table, I did.

Three women held me down while the doctor aborted me. I screamed, and cried, and the doctor said, “Shut up, whore.”

I didn't even consent.

It hurt so bad.

I could hear crying from every room.

I felt as if I were being raped.

I had 2 more abortions after that.

Abortion Story: Carolyn (New Zealand)

2004-04-30T11:21:00.003+12:00

I had lost two children through other people's jealousy, and I am in the process of getting them back.

I fell in love with someone, and got pregnant. He made me have an abortion because he was thinking of his last partner.

I am now 8 months pregnant to the same person, who decides he loves me, now. But, the baby I am carrying is unwanted by myself.

I wanted the last one, I did not want the abortion, he made me have it.

I feel as though I have been put off having children. Now, I am about to have another baby in 4 weeks, and I do not know what to do.

I keep thinking of the abortion, and how I did not want to have it done.

I have lost all maternal feelings, feelings for my partner, but we are still together.

I keep thinking of my ex-partner now, who I had my last son to. I miss his love, and comfort, as he did not make me have an abortion.

My current partner has made two other women have abortions, he always joked and laughed about them as though it was a joke.

Now, I have lost a lot of feelings for him, and I am having his baby in 4 weeks, which this time I do not want.

I tell him this every day to make him feel the pain that he has put me through.

Abortion Story: Katie* (New Zealand)

2004-04-29T11:15:00.003+12:00

It was a horrible year (2003). I had just turned 16. Everything had turned upside down. I had left school, and had left home. Then, making a highlight, I found out that I was pregnant.

I was so upset, thinking what my family would say, I was so scared. I didn't want to tell anyone, but I had no choice.

My family were angry, but I couldn't understand how, and why, people could get so angry over a new life.

My partner was really supportive, and I guess he was happy he was going to be a daddy. I was happy, too, but mostly scared. I really wanted to have my baby.

We had a family meeting, and everything was so depressing. My family wanted to kill my unborn child. I didnt understand. They asked, “What do you have to offer to your baby in time to come?” I had no answer.

My family decided for me, and told me I was having an abortion.

I was coming up to the second trimester, and they wanted things done now. The waiting list was 2 weeks, but my family made it happen within 2 days. Unfortunately for them, I got declined, because the doctors were sure that it wasn't my choice. I was happy, but, of course, my family stepped in, made me go for a another appointment, and told me tell lies, and to say that I wanted an abortion.

Well, luckly for them, I was accepted.

Two days later, I was in the waiting room. My boyfriend was there with all the support he could give me.

I regret it, still, to this very day. I wish my family were more supportive. Me and my partner are still going strong, and we will never ever forget the baby we could have had.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Kelli (United States)

2004-04-16T11:07:00.002+12:00

I was 15 when I found out I was pregnant.

[My boyfriend] and I had been together for 4 years, and the last year or so, he had started getting physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive. He always played mind games with me, made me feel like I was worth nothing, raped me constantly, and beat me whenever he felt like it. But, I was far too scared to leave.

So, I told him I was pregnant, I was about 5 weeks when I found out. He immediately told me there was no way we'd keep it, that I'd have to give it up for adoption, or something. I told him I'd think about it, and then he ignored me for the rest of the pregnancy.

I told my parents, who were pissed, but they were there for me, every step of the way.

My mother held my hand as we heard his heart beat for the first time, and when I first saw him on the ultrasound at 14 weeks. That day the doctors told me I was having a healthy baby boy, as I watched him yawn and his little toes curl up on the screen.

I decided to name him Malik Jordan, Malik meaning 'king'.

When I got home, we ordered a shelf for Malik's nursery, that had his name in wooden blocks. His nursery was already set up, we had Pooh blankets for his crib, a beautiful white bassinet, all kinds of toys, my favorite was a big teddy bear.

Well, that following week, I was 15 weeks, when [my boyfriend] called me for the first time since I told him I was pregnant.

We went out to lunch that afternoon, and he told me that his family decided there was no way he could have a child right now. It would ruin his future, his life, his school work, etc, etc.

I told him I didn't want his help with the baby, that I'd do it alone, but he said “No” to that. So, I mentioned adoption, and he said his mother didn't want someone else raising her grandchild… that she didn't want… go figure.

He then told me I had to have an abortion, that it was the only “easy” way out. I refused, and then we were going to back to his house, and he pulled the car over, and started hitting me in the face, then in the stomach, and he told me, if I didn't abort, he'd get rid of the baby one way or another.

So, we got to his house, and he dialed the number for the clinic, his mother standing there watching, he tried making the appointment, but they wanted to talk to me. He stood there as though he were going to kill me as I cried, making the appointment. It was set for July 13th, 2003, at 1pm, which would soon become the worst day of my life.

I also had to go in the day before so they could dialate my cervix.

His mother drove us to the clinic, that second day. I cried the whole way, begging him to let us go back home, that I'd never ask for a penny, I'd raise the baby all alone.

He told me to be quiet, and when we got to the clinic, his mother waved out the window and smiled, as though she was happy to be doing it.

I felt my knees lock up, and I started to tremble as we walked in. I sat down in the waiting room, and after filling out some forms, I held my tummy, and sang Baby Mine, that was Malik's song, that I sang to him all the time. And — as I sang it — I felt him kick for the first time, as though he was saying he didn't want to go.

That's when I freaked, I started screaming [that] I wanted my baby, I was crying and laying on the floor holding my stomach, and before I knew it a couple doctors and nurses came running to me, and dragged me into some room. I told them I didn't want to do this, that I wanted my baby, and the nurse said, “Don't be ridiculous, you're too young for a baby, and besides it's too late now anyway.”

I cried, and cried, holding in the screams because I didn't want them getting mad at me again. I kept praying to God to save my son, to save him from any pain he'd go through, to hold his little hand... I was having a D&E, which I didn't know what was done until they were already doing it.

I couldn't be put to sleep for it, because I'm allergic to anesthia. And, the doctors weren't very careful about anything, and I saw a part of Malik, which still haunts me in my dreams. When I wake up screaming and crying in the middle of the night, it's because of that.

A week after the abortion, that little shelf I ordered, came in the mail… sigh.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of my son. He was my first child, and will always hold that place in my heart.

Some people think that, when you abort your child, you simply move on and forget. That is not true, they are always a part of you.

Abortion Story: Rona* (United States)

2004-04-16T10:49:00.002+12:00

I really don't know where to begin. I guess I'll start at the top.

I am 21, have 3 children, and had been in either mentally abusive relationships, or physically abusive relationships.

No matter what, I never believed in abortion (it was murder).

I had recently started back in college and had been in for two years at this point. Doing good!

Then I met Mr. Right. He was my world. Everything was out of the story books, until I got pregnant almost a year into the relationship.

He became distant and cruel.

What was I supposed to do? I was turning 5 months [pregnant], and didn't want a 4th child. Not alone, I didn't.

So, I got a second trimester abortion. He was full grown. I know, because right before the abortion, as I sat waiting on the doctor, there was an ultrasound machine in the room.

I looked at him [during the ultrasound], he was turning and moving with a strong heart beat.

I killed him anyway. I have suffered everyday over taking that precious child's life. I hate myself inside.

I asked the nurse what will they do with him. She stated, “Incineration.”

I live with that comment everyday.

I murdered him and then they burnt him…

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Laura (United States)

2004-04-01T10:35:00.002+12:00

I was a junior in college when I got pregnant. My mother, who was an RN and a self-proclaimed radical feminist, insisted that I have an abortion.

I had been taking antibiotics for a lung infection, and she lied to me saying, “This baby will be a deformed monster and has no chance.”

The rest of my family found out about the pregnancy, and my grandfather refused to speak to me or see me “until the problem is taken care of.”

When I hesitated, my mom threatened to disown me if I “shamed the family.” Apparently giving birth is more shameful than murder.

Mom took me to Planned Parenthood and paid for the abortion.

I felt sick, and trapped, and wanted to get away, but she was there “to make sure you get this done.” She helped to hold me down during the procedure, which was horrific. There was no anesthesia and I was in terrible pain, but the worst thing was the awful sucking noise of the vacuum extractor, and knowing that my child was dying a violent death at that same moment.

I still feel the devastation of that day. It was a medical rape.

I was determined never to face this again, so when I found myself pregnant at 23, I was terrified. I was in a terrible relationship. I still lived at home, and Mom wanted me to have another abortion or marry the father. This time, for all his faults, the father was willing to marry me.

I divorced the father soon after my daughter's birth. I do not for a second regret having my daughter, despite tricky and difficult circumstances. I do regret ever having an abortion, even though that was supposed to be “easy.”

I will never forget my first child, who never had a chance to be born, especially since my daughter dearly wishes for a sibling, and now I can't have any more children due to medical problems.

Abortion Story: Krystal* (United States)

2004-03-27T10:21:00.002+12:00

I lived upstairs from a bar. Ned** and I basically partied together a lot.

In December, I confirmed that I was pregnant. I was probably already a couple of months along.

I rationalized my decision, to abort, by assuming the baby was probably already messed up from all the partying. Frankly, I figured I would miscarry before I got the abortion, but I didn't.

Ned did what he thought was the respectful thing, and told me whatever I decided he would support (I cannot stress enough how that is the worst thing a man can say to a woman in that situation), so all the responsibility was put solely on me.

Before we left that morning I prayed, “If I'm doing the wrong thing please let me know.” The battery, in our very reliable car, died on the way there. The first person we asked for a jump said, “No.” Who does that? I truly believe that was the “big sign” I asked for, but I ignored it.

I was raised in the church, but I was going through a rebellion/trying to “find myself” phase that a lot of people go through.

I was focusing on reversing the problem, and concentrating on the physical side of what I was going through.

I guess I didn't realize how unreversable it was. I knew he wanted an abortion, so that's what I said I wanted, too.

On January 5, 2000 my first child died in an abortion.

The waiting room was packed. I remember feeling how I was so lucky because only one other girl there had a guy (I'm assuming the father) with her. “Oh, how sweet of Ned to come with me.” (Pathetic huh?)

We were there all day. They'd call you back to take a blood test. Then you went back to the waiting room. They'd call you back for the ultra sound (which Ned saw, and I didn't). Then it was back to the waiting room. This back and forth thing went on and on.

The “counseling” I was promised consisted of some lady handing me pill after pill, and telling me about all the complications that could happen (can you say, “covering they're legal a**es”?). She finally asked if I was sure or something and I think I said, “I guess so.”

I was high as a kite during the “procedure”. I remember a big brown box. I remember it sounding like the loudest jackhammer I had ever heard. I remember looking at Ned, and him looking down at the floor. He couldn't even look me in the eye. Then it was over, and we left the clinic… through the back door.

I was so relieved that I was fine, physically, that I didn't let the emotional stuff surface. It first hit me about 3 months later, but I buried it. I guess it was about a year and a half later when I started to lose it.

I kept praying to God to come back into my life (even though I knew he'd never left). I wanted to go back to church, and Ned made fun of me for it. Now, I can tolerate someone disagreeing with me, but noone makes fun my faith. This was a symptom of why we broke up in 2002.

I'm now married to a wonderful christian man. We have a young son. His birth is forcing me to deal with these issues once and for all. The more I enjoy him, the more I realize what I missed.

I feel like my first child was a girl, so I've named her Elizabeth (which I found out later means 'consecrated to God'), but I call her Libby. I plan on planting a white rose bush in my yard this spring in her memory.

One 20 minute procedure changed the course of so many lives. How many grandchildren would she have produced? How many lives would she have touched? I'll never know.

I know other children in my family have been lost to miscarriage and abortion. I have this fantasy of my grandmother up in heaven taking care of all of them until their mommas get home. It may sound silly, but it gives me comfort.

I can't change the past. I know God has forgiven me. Like so many others, I'm having the hardest time forgiving myself.

Thanks to the internet I've connected with others who experience the same regret and torment I have. Some have worked through it, and others are just beginning. My goal now is to work through my own issues, so I can help others.

God has a plan for everyone. Maybe this was his plan for Libby; to affect me so that I can affect others.

I'm not alone. There's a whole army of us. Some of us are more vocal than others, but we're out there, and we're not going anywhere.

* Not her real name.

** Name changed.

Abortion Story: Laura* (New Zealand)

2004-03-23T10:14:00.003+12:00

I was 16 when it all happened, 2003.

March 22nd: It was the night of my 16th birthday, and I got asked out by a guy that I really liked.

I knew that he was going to expect sex, and I didn't think of using a condom, because I had never used one before, and I never got pregnant.

Anyway, a few weeks later my boyfriend moved in with me and my parents. I was really happy. He had a job, and I was still at school.

We were happily living together, and we were really into sex. Before he moved in, my mum advised me to get on the pill, just to be on the safe side, so I did.

I had missed my period, but it didn't really get to me, because it wasn't the first time it had happend, so I didnt go for a test or anything.

A month later, my period never came, again, and I was constantly going to the toilet, and my mum asked me if I would please go for a test, so I did.

It was May. The test was positive.

I was really frightened. My boyfriend was with me, and he was really happy.

I didn't want to tell my mum the truth, but I did. She didn't get angry. She said it was totally up to us.

I told some of my other family members, that I'm really close with, but they weren't too happy, and they were quite disappointed.

We had a family disscussion, and decided that abortion would be the best bet, since I was in my 2nd to last year in Grammar school.

I was going on to 3 months pregnant, so we had to decide quick. To me, it was a rushed decision, and a pressured decision.

It's a new year, and I'm trying to move on, but its hard.

Me and my boyfriend are still together. Today, we are enjoying life, and have done so much together.

I miss my baby that I didn't know, but I knew it was going to be a boy, so I named him Tyrese.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Angela (New Zealand)

2004-03-10T10:08:00.002+13:00

I am 24 years old, and I had an abortion on February 20th, 2004.

I've named my baby Tahi (Maori for the number 1).

I got pregnant to a friend, who already has a child, and he said that abortion was the only option.

I thought about it so much — do I ruin his child's life, do I ruin my child's life by having a baby who will never have, and never know, his/her father?

I couldn't bear to tell my parents and, now, I so wish I had.

The morning we drove to the clinic was awful. I cried most of the way there. But, what was even more strange was, when I got there, I became very clinical — like I was having a standard operation.

I do have to say, though, the nurse who talked to me, beforehand, was so nice and informative and kept giving me the option to back out. I wish I'd listened to her.

When I took the pills, that soften the cervix, I knew there was no going back, and I suddenly had shockwaves go through me that this was it.

One of the pills that I took was a relaxant, and now it all seems very hazy. I went into the surgery room, lay on the bed, and anyone that says that the procedure doesn't hurt that much, is lying.

I know everyone is different, but it hurt more than anything I've ever known. The nurses held my hands, and I squeezed so tight, and cried out, and then the doctor said it was over.

I couldn't believe that it was so quick, and now my baby was gone.

They had to put me in a wheelchair, to take me back to my room, because I felt like I would faint.

My recovery, physically, has been good, no complications. But, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally, it has been so hard.

I cry most days, and not a day goes by where I don't think of my baby. The pain in my heart, and the love I feel for my child, seem to contradict each other, which makes it worse.

To all the girls who've been through this — my heart goes out to you, and your babies. And to all the girls who are considering having a termination, please know that there are plenty of us out there who know that it seems like a quick fix decision, and physically you can be OK, but emotionally? — spiritually? That is something that will be affected one way or another.

Abortion Story: Sapphire* (United States)

2004-03-03T09:53:00.002+13:00

I found out I was pregnant in March of 2003. I was 20 years old and was engaged. This is something that I never would have thought this would happen to me.

I got pregnant in December of 2002. By February of 2003 I was pretty convinced I was pregnant. I was on vacation with my fiance at the time, and I felt horrible my whole vacation, so I knew something was up.

As soon as I got home from my trip, I made a mental note to go to the doctor. Maybe it was denial, but I didn't go. The only reason why I ended up at the doctors is because I was having problems with my diabetes.

My nurse asked me when my last menstrual was, and I told her in December. I asked if I could take a pregnancy test, and we did, and the test was positive.

I hid my test results. My mom was waiting for me in the waiting room, and I had to act like everything was okay.

My doctor referred me to an Ob/Gyn in my city, and told me I should go.

I made the appointment for the next week, but never went.

That day my mom saw me coming out of my bedroom, upset, and she asked me what was wrong. I told her I was pregnant. It was the worse thing I ever had to tell her, but she took the news well. (I also wished I would have told her sooner. Then I wouldn't have gone through it by myself.)

She asked me what I wanted to do, and I told her I wanted to have an abortion.

That day I got on the phone with clinics and Planned Parenthood, and finally I got an appointment for Planned Parenthood, on April 15th, which was about 2 weeks from then.

I just wanted this ordeal to be over and done with. I didn't want my mom to tell my dad. But she had to since she was going to be the one who took me to the appointment. My dad never said one rude thing to me, I think he just felt bad for me.

On the morning of the 15th, I woke up very nervous and scared. I was mainly scared because I just didn't know what to expect at the clinic.

Me, my mom and my sister went to Planned Parenthood. I go and I do all the paperwork, and they take me in for an ultrasound, and that is when I got horrible news. The nurse told me I was too far along to have my abortion that day (this particular Planned Parenthood only did abortions up to 16 weeks). She told me I was almost 18 weeks.

In the meantime they scheduled me another apppointment at a Planned Parenthood in East Los Angeles, California, for April 30th. That was the longest 2 weeks of my life.

I was devastated.

I took off the time from work, and my mom rearranged her day to be with me. I left Planned Parenthood so upset, I cried. I felt horrible. When I got back to my house my Aunt was there (she was visiting us for a few weeks). My mom told her what was going on and my Aunt calmed me down and told me everything would be okay.

So, 2 weeks later, I go to my appointment at Planned Parenthood. At this point, I am scared, especially after what happend last time.

I got to the clinic early that day and got some of the paperwork started. The nurses were so nice and pleasant to me, I appreciated that so much.

I went in for an exam and for an ultrasound. The nurse told me I was 20 weeks pregnant (which is 5 months).

Previous to that day, my baby started moving around. It was weird, and it just made me feel worse about what I was going to do. With the baby moving around, it made the baby seems so much more real.

After the ultrasound I had to get the Laminaria inserted. I did not like this, and it hurt quite a bit, but the nurse and the practioner were so nice that it made it go by easier.

After it was inserted, I was sent home, and threw up all the way home.

I had to come back the next morning for the actual procedure. Everything went by pretty quickly, and I was taken into the operation room where I was put under general anesthesia, and I was asleep for the whole procedure.

When I woke up, I was in a lot of pain, and I was bleeding alot (which is normal when you have an abortion at 5 months. Also I am a diabetic, so that is normal).

After, I rested for a little while. I was okay to go home. On the ride home I threw up, but I just wanted to go to sleep.

As the days passed, I realized so many things about myself, and I also learned some things.

I wish I would have gotten it done sooner than waiting until I was half way through my pregnancy, I would confided into my mom and dad because I appreciate everything they did for me at that time.

My baby would have born in September, 2003, and it was hard.

It has been almost a year since my abortion. Sometimes I am fine, and then other times I find myself constantly thinking about it.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Selena* (United States)

2004-03-01T09:22:00.002+13:00

Denial is the only thing I felt.

I was missing my period by a long shot, my eating habits were irregular, my body was changing, and I was vomiting for no reason.

In my mind, all of these signs were of something other than pregnancy. As these signs grew more and more severe, my denial began to fade away, and reality was setting in… fast.

I decided it would be best if I mentioned something to my boyfriend. He said nothing, he only cried.

As weeks went on, I put off the pregnancy test, saying to myself I'd wait because I knew my period was on it's way.

You can only deny the truth for so long, so on a Saturday while I was at work, my boyfriend went and got a pregnancy test.

I sat there, held the box, and refused to take it, knowing what the results would be. To me taking the test would mean all this was actually happening.

Eventually, I took it, and my life changed within 5 minutes. Two pink lines appeared, one drastically lighter than the other, which only provided another avenue for denial. But I knew it, I felt it, I was pregnant with my boyfriend of 4 month's child.

I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

My parents thought I was still a virgin. That meant I had to break their hearts twice. One, let them down that I had chosen to have premarital sex and, two, tell them that their only child, their baby girl, was going to have a baby of her own.

After some time of letting the news set in, I had support from my mother and my boyfriend. My father was a different story.

Now, the next stepping stone was to make a life-altering decision. To have a child, or to have an abortion.

When I weighed out my options, abortion seemed to be the most logical decision. When I thought of having a child, I felt lost, like there were way too many unanswered questions.

I have a job that doesn't pay well, I don't have a car, and most of all, I don't have the mentality of a mother.

Based on those trivial facts, I made my decision, despite that constant prying of the feeling of wrong. I was in the wrong, I knew it.

My boyfriend tried all he could to convince me otherwise. He wanted this child. He couldn't stand the thought of losing his first child.

I loved him, and still do, but I could only see what having a child would do to our futures and, more importantly, our families. Like I said, I was wrong.

So I took my decision, and ran with it. Within 4 days of knowing I was pregnant, I had set up an appointment for an abortion.

On Sunday, February 15th, I went to have my first child killed. I was numb to was I was doing. I couldn't think of the fact that I had a living baby in my stomach. I knew, even though I was only 8 weeks and 2 days along, that my unborn baby had a heartbeat.

I sat in a small doctor's office that slowly began to fill with people from all walks of life. There were women there who where very far along in the pregnancies and didn't appear to be phased by their decision.

I went through the motions of having my urine sampled, my blood pressure taken, and sitting and talking with a counselor. She asked me if I was sure this is what I wanted, and I said “yes”, before she could get the question out, to avoid any emotions.

When it was time for me to go into the procedure room, a lot of emotions began to set in all too quick. I felt alone, lost, dirty, evil, and so many other things. I pushed all that away, and climbed up on that cold table, spread my legs onto the stirrups, and allowed a man I didn't know to kill my first child.

I chose to have IV sedation, but my boyfriend was there in the room to watch.

I had a vacuum aspiration abortion, which means I allowed this doctor to chop up my child, suck into a container, and remove it from the room, before I could wake up from my sedation.

I had to do laps around the clinic to avoid blod clots and, as I walked, the feelings I had were surreal. I felt my stomach, it was now empty. I had rid my life of an unborn child in 10 minutes.

I had to sit and drink soda and eat cookies, and walk, until I was well enough to leave.

And here I sit, two weeks later, already beginning to feel the guilt. I have many more years to live, and this is going to stay with me through it all.

Some day, I will have children, but I will always know that they weren't my first.

This was the most selfish thing I could have done, and I will forever regret it. I want my child, now, and I want nothing more than to be a good mom.

Despite how hard it would've been to raise my child, I want to do it, now, and be able so say I made it, rather than that I took the easy way out.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Amy (United States)

2004-02-25T21:07:00.002+13:00

I was only 18 when I first found out that I was pregnant. At first, I denied myself that I was pregnant, and didn't take the test.

My roommate thought I was. She bought me a test, and I was forced to find out the truth.

Boy, was I scared.

My boyfriend came to my room to comfort me. Me and my boyfriend didn't even think about keeping the baby. Our minds went straight to abortion. If our parents found out, they were sure to kill us both. We both kept it to ourselves.

We went to a woman's clinic, and set for abortion. I was two months and three days. I went ahead and got an abortion.

I had heard stories from other people that it was going to hurt, emotionally, and I told myself that I could handle it.

Boy, was I wrong.

I went home and my boyfriend told me to rest and not think about it. It never happened.

Well, it did happen.

It is hard for me to sleep, and all I can think about is the baby. Most nights, I cry myself to sleep.

Every night, I ask for God's forgiveness and, if I could do all over, I would do the right thing.

Abortion Story: Janelle* (United States)

2003-12-16T21:29:00.002+13:00

It happened not too long ago, but it still feels like yesterday. The day I let my baby leave me because I knew not what to do.

I am almost finished with college, and my boyfriend is halfway through medical school. It just wasn't the right time.

Oh, the anguish. When is it the right time to murder your child? No, it wasn't murder. So what do I call what I did?

My boyfriend said it was the only choice. He couldn't be a daddy. It wasn't even a possibility. Too much had to be done.

He is thirty, I just turned 21. Couldn't we have made it work?

I can't tell anyone.

I miss my baby… my sweet, innocent baby. Mommy does love you.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Lisa (United States)

2003-12-11T17:58:00.002+13:00

I too had an abortion (actually 2) about 16 - 20 years ago. Gosh it doesn't seem like it was that long ago — but I never realized what it would do to me.

You see — abortion doesn't make your baby 'go away'. That baby lives in your heart for the rest of your life.

I was about 19 years old and I was living with my boyfriend. I was working in a hair salon as a hairdresser just beginning my career.

One day I realized I was late for my period. At the time I always had said that abortion was wrong — but really my beliefs were based on my Christian upbringing. Never did I ever do any research to find out the truth about how precious this little life really was. When I bought the pregnancy test I woke up really early just because somehow I think deep inside I knew. When I did the test, I sat on my bed looking into the bathroom almost counting every second ... yet not wanting to know what I felt was probably true. I walked slowly to the place where my pregnancy test was and the color was evident before I even could look down into the test results. POSITIVE! Oh no! I went back to the bed and sat there in shock. My first thought immediately without a 2nd thought was "I have to have an abortion." My boyfriend was out of town and I called him in tears — I don't believe that I told him at that time, but I felt so alone. "This should be a time that I can share this with someone — but I'm here all alone!"

Well — without getting into the rest of my details, about 3 weeks later my boyfriend drove me to the abortion mill. I went in and he waited in the waiting room. I was crying so hard I could hardly catch my breath. Deep down inside of me — I was looking for help. Someone to say "You can have this baby and it will be OK." Someone to reach their hand out to me. Not just watch me do something that I would regret for the rest of my life.

When I went into the back where all the other girls were taken into — I was shocked at how many girls were there! Their ages seemed like 14 and up. Every single girl looked sad, depressed and frightened. I wept and I wept to the point they pulled me aside and I talked to one of the head nurses in her office. Her words to me were "You don't seem like you really want to do this. Are you sure about this?" My answer was not YES my answer was "My mom will kill me if she finds out and I'm afraid because I've started doing some drugs." She did not give me any positive options — she just said "OK" and let me go on.

After 2 hours of tests and urine sampling, blood sampling and so on — I was put on a gurney in a room with 4 other girls separated only by a curtain hanging on silver rings from the ceiling. The nurse came in, examined me and coldly said "You're 11 weeks" and she moved on to the girl that was behind the next curtain and examined her and so forth.

What I didn't realize is that my baby had a heartbeat, little hands, little fingers and little toes. He and she sucked their thumbs. And, now knowing that a baby sucks his/her thumb because that is pleasurable, I now know they can also experience pain.

When they rolled me out into the hallway I was still crying and the only kind touch that I remember during my experience was a doctor who came to me and leaned down and whispered in my ear "Dear, if you continue to cry like this, you will hurt much more after the surgery." Though that doesn't seem very caring — it felt like it to me at the time and it was the warmest touch I had had yet. I nodded my head and bit my lip to hold back any more tears.

When they rolled me into the prep room, they rolled me next to this beautiful, young girl. She was next before me. We didn't say anything to each other. I remember looking over at her and as she lay there, a tear rolled back on her face. They took her away. I'm next. It seemed like only minutes and they came and got me. They rolled me into a cold white room, all the staff were also wearing white and the anesthesiologist leaned over me, put the mask on my face and told me to count from 10 to 1.

10 * 9 * 8 ... I was out. I woke up on my stomach and not only was I in pain physically but I was in pain emotionally. I felt empty and alone. I no longer had my precious baby inside of me. The precious life that I wish I had today. His name was Vincent.

About 10 years later (after my second abortion — Alicia), I met someone that changed my life. I fell in love with Him as He loved me through all of this and He gave me something that I want to share with every woman that has experienced this horrible experience — no matter what gestation they were at. He showed me His love and His forgiveness. His name is Jesus Christ. The shedding of His blood cleansed me from my sin, from my shame and from my sorrow.

Yes, we can try to go on and put away the 'pain' of our bad choices ourselves and we can also be angry at the people that didn't try to stop us, even though they could have at least said SOMETHING. But anger and bitterness at others doesn't do anything but hurt us further than we already hurt. We need to learn to forgive as we have been forgiven. Also I found that when trying put the pain away all myself, I had to find other means to cover the pain and the guilt that I carried deep inside. The kind of guilt and pain that only a woman that has had an abortion can know. With drugs and alcohol and further promiscuity.

Truly I have been set free from the pain and bondage of the guilt and loss of my babies. Don't get me wrong, I do think about them and sometimes think "Where they would be today had I not made those wrong choices? " but the burn in my heart is no longer there. I will see them again in heaven. They know nothing but the love of theirs and my Savior, Jesus Christ.

I have spent the last 10 years trying to share with women going into these mills trying to tell them what they may not have been told: "There are other options." I also have spoken at different churches and events sharing how wrong this choice is and that we need to further educate our youth so they know the truth. But even more importantly than that — I am able to minister and share the love, healing and forgiveness that the Lord has given to me and I am able to share that with hurting women.

If someone does read this and is still hurting from an abortion they have had in the past * please just look up and ask Jesus to show you His forgiveness. Ask Him to come into your heart and clean out the pain, bitterness and the guilt and to take residence in your heart forever.

Abortion Story: Meredith* (United Kingdom)

2003-12-07T21:22:00.002+13:00

I had an abortion just two weeks ago, and it was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever done.

I was just over 7 weeks when I ended my baby's life.

I had the tablets, and had to sit there all day in the hospital waiting for it to pass.

The pains were so bad; I had to have Diamorphine.

My baby didn't leave me until about 5 minutes before I had to leave the hospital; it was almost as if my child was clinging onto me, and me onto my child.

The moment it left me, I felt so empty. My baby just kind of plopped into a bedpan which I had to urinate into. It was so undignified, and sad.

I went home and cried myself to sleep, and have been crying ever since.

I am 24, and the only reason I didn't have my baby was financial reasons, the usual mortgage, car payments etc.

I hope, if you are reading this, and you are faced with the same decision I had to make then, please, I am begging you to think long and hard.

Don't put it to the back of your mind, you need to make the right decision for you.

I didn't, and now I have to live with that every day.

When I go to sleep at night, it is with my hand on the tummy where my baby once lay. Please don't let that be you, make sure you are sure of your decision.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Brenda* (United States)

2003-11-28T21:15:00.002+13:00

I am 18 years old, and recently had an abortion.

It is the worst feeling of loss anyone could ever have.

I can't watch commercials with babies, or even look at pregnant women.

I get mad, and angry, and feel so guilty that I killed my baby.

My mom pressured me, so, her being my mother, I listened to everything she said. Now, thinking back all of that was bull. I could have done it, and shouldn't have listened to her.

I feel a part of me is missing, and gone. I will never be able to retrieve that feeling.

I know it is with God, and I pray they only know it was the right thing to do at the right time.

But, don't let anyone tell you what to do. It is your life, your body. Do as your heart tells you.

Abortion doesn't erase the problem, just creates another burden.

I miss my baby with all my heart.

Don't make the mistake, as I did. If you need any advice please seek it before your final decision.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Stacey (New Zealand)

2003-11-18T17:41:00.002+13:00

My Name is Stacey. I am 37 years old.

In June, this year, I had an abortion due to the doctor's advice, because of a medical condition.

I am now absolutely devastated, as, after a lot of research on the internet, [I learned] my condition could have been closely monitored. And to top it off, they tied my tubes while I was in there.

I find I'm now suffering a lot of guilt, and cry a lot.

I just want my baby back, and I don't know how to stop feeling like I'm in a hole, and can't get out.

Abortion Story: Nickie (United States)

2003-11-17T17:19:00.002+13:00

On April 7th 1994 my husband Steven and I said our vows. We were starting our new wonderful life together. We were young, only eighteen and nineteen years old, in college, and working full time jobs. Steven was studying to be a lawyer, and me a nurse.

On April 2nd 1995, I bought a home pregnancy test. My period was late and I was hoping I wasn't pregnant. Well, the test came out positive, so I went to the doctor, who said I was about five weeks pregnant, and due around December 18th. I was crushed, how would we have time for a baby? We both wanted to graduate so we could get better jobs, and neither of us would ever be home to care for a baby.

Steven and I talked it through, and we couldn't decide what to do. We brought it to his mother, who suggested we give the baby up for adoption, but we couldn't come to an agreement on that. How could we carry a baby for nine months then give it away? How could we even afford to go through nine months of pregnancy?

Finally, my doctor suggested we have an abortion. A "quick, simple way to be rid of the problem for only a couple hundred dollars," he said. Well, we were both young and only thinking of ourselves, and we agreed this would be best for us, and the baby.

On May 12th 1995, I was ten weeks along in the pregnancy, we went to the clinic to have an abortion. I had never felt more scared in my life. We waited what seemed like forever before a doctor finally came out and told me I could come in.

We walked down a long hallway into a small room. I looked around at the bare walls. I placed my hand on my stomach, and said to my baby, "I'm sorry." That's when the doctor who would be performing the abortion walked in and told me to lie down.

It seemed like seconds later that I woke up in a well-lit room, my husband by my side.

I remember I felt an empty pit in my stomach, where my baby once laid. I felt so helpless and alone, I wanted to just go back to sleep and never wake up, but I couldn't. What was done was done, and my baby was dead.

Weeks went by and, slowly, we realized what we had done. We saw other parents with their children, other pregnant women, and it made us cry. We missed our precious little baby, the tiny soul that grew underneath my heart for ten short weeks.

We decided that our baby deserved a name, and we named him, Lane Thomas.

A couple years went by and we had a beautiful baby boy, Landen Paul. He was the most precious being we had ever seen in our lives. When I looked into his eyes, the first thing I thought of was Lane.

I wondered what he would have looked like, or if he was a part of Landen. Steven too had the same thoughts. After having one more son, Luke Alexander, we truly understood what we had terminated from our lives, forever.

It's been a long, hard journey since we sent our precious baby Lane to Heaven. We feel so guilty and ashamed for what we did.

People have told us that our new babies are Lane, but every baby is unique, one of a kind. One baby can never replace another. You will never replace a baby that you aborted. Its tiny soul is always apart of you. We can only hope now that our baby will forgive us, and we can hold him in heaven.

Abortion Story: Raven (Australia)

2003-11-12T17:13:00.002+13:00

I met my husband in 1992.

Previously, I had been married, and my then-husband and his mother talked me into having an abortion. Even though I recall sitting up with my husband all night saying I did not want to have the abortion. But, I was pressured.

My second husband I also had an abortion. He said he was ready for a child, but when the crunch came, and I was pregnant, he said he would resent the child and was not ready. I had another abortion afraid of losing the relationship.

I had a friend that worked at the abortion clinic who said she would arrange it all. I had no counselling (well, a five minute tick questionnaire).

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I suffer now from a severe hormonal imbalance. I suspect this is from the awful emotional grief and depression I have suffered for years, resulting in a sex addiction, and other behaviours I am not proud of.

I am now forty. My abortion was when I was 29 years old (old enough to know better). I desperately wanted the child. But went against my heart.

If this will help others: No matter what never go against your heart for a man, or anyone else, in relation to your reproduction. The consequences are devastating.

I would also like to say that it's important for all options and consideration to be given when counselling women. I feel that, for both my abortions, the counselling was inadequate, and 5 minutes at the most.

I am lucking to have managed to carry a child to term, and my daughter is 4.

However, I can't have anymore children.

I'm OK now, but took along time.

Abortion Story: Dale* (Australia)

2003-11-11T13:31:00.003+13:00

I was so distressed as I lay there inside the abortion clinic, and one of the only things I remember (before the anaesthetic kicked in) was the doctor softly playing 'The Girl from Ipanema' on a stereo inside the operating room, while the abortion was taking place. He was even humming along. It makes me sick thinking about it.

They also had a bowl of condoms sitting in the waiting room. What a slap in the face.

I was so distressed and bewildered and frightened on the day it happened, I had no idea what to do.

I believe now I was in a state of deep shock at being pregnant, and felt totally unable to speak to anyone about it.

My pregnancy was the result of a one-night stand, the first time I had slept with someone in 18 months. I was reckless, but I still can't believe I fell pregnant after having sex once in 18 months! It all feels like a surreal nightmare.

Strangely enough, I loved that baby so much inside my stomach. For six weeks, I spoke to her; I felt such a connection. I even bought folate tablets to make sure the baby was healthy.

But deep down, I was struggling very badly. I wept continuously, and felt so frightened.

I was so worried about being a single mother, and not having enough money to support a child. I was worried about what others would think of me, sick at the thought of losing my high-profile job.

Now it means nothing to me.

I had the mobile phone number of the father (thankfully, he'd left it with me after our one-night stand), and decided to meet up with him to tell him about the baby. We had never met each otherwise, so it was a little awkward.

However, he was very supportive, quite warm, actually.

Two days later, he phoned me while he was drunk. He wanted to meet again, and when I turned up he physically threatened me — holding his fist up in the air, and telling me how he liked to smash people in the face.

He said I had “f***ing ruined his life.” I was so shocked and frightened; I ended up physically shaking with fear for hours afterwards. All I wanted to do was protect the baby, and I was in genuine shock after he threatened me so violently.

It was this attack — and my devastation at his behaviour — which cemented my decision to have an abortion.

I now feel so angry and upset that I allowed his outrageous behaviour to influence me. I will never forgive myself for what I've done.

I've had physical pain since the abortion, but nothing compared to the emotional pain.

It was just over three months ago, and I have missed work on a couple of days because of uncontrollable crying.

I think my drinking is somewhat out of control.

I have been binge eating — almost as though I care nothing about my appearance anymore.

I feel spiritually lost, as though I have betrayed my long held religious beliefs. I feel a need to turn to God, as though he is the only thing that can save me.

Suicide has crossed my mind a couple of times, but only when I am crying uncontrollably. I feel it's good to go with the emotions — and then calm down.

Fortunately, I haven't been tempted to act on any of my harmful thoughts. I'm sure it won't happen, but it still worries me enormously to be feeling this way.

I have told no-one. I feel so ashamed of what I've done. My sister, my closest friend, is vehemently opposed to abortion. She would never forgive me if she knew.

My friends have no idea this serious event has occurred in my life. They see me as a glamorous party girl, even when I'm close to breaking down in tears about what's happened.

One friend knew I was pregnant, but I lied to her and told her I had a miscarriage. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to tell her what I'd done.

I feel like I've completely lost faith in who I am. I feel disgusting, and dirty, and just so sinful. (Mind you, I am 29 and haven't been to church since I was about 13, yet I feel so religiously affected by this event.) I just hope God will forgive me, because at the moment I hate myself.

I so wish I could talk to somebody about it, without them judging me for my mistake.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Lesley (United Kingdom)

2003-11-06T13:23:00.003+13:00

In 1996 when I fell pregnant with what might have been our third child. It was unplanned.

I had always been against abortion, as I myself was adopted, but I was panicked by circumstances of health, finance and the fact that my husband did not want me to go through another pregnancy.

Also, I was worried about my career, but that was not the main factor.

I could not make an appointment with our usual doctor for a fortnight. I saw an ad on the tube that said British Pregnancy Advisory Service. This gave me the impression you got neutral advice. I made a phone enquiry. They asked me in for an appointment.

I thought that there was no harm in finding things out, as I did not know anything about abortions, other than friends seemed miserable afterwards.

My husband had no moral concerns about abortion, and we went to the appointment together. I cried a lot, but every time I mentioned a baby, I was told by my husband, and counsellor, that the reality was, there was no baby. I was told the children I had were more important.

When I saw the Drs who signed my forms they asked me if I was sure. I said no, but they said well as sure as you can be.

I did have an abortion. I was given a leaflet that said that most women are relieved afterwards, but you can expect a bit of depression.

I am now in counselling, having suppressed the memory of the clinic. It now comes back to me as a trauma I can barely survive.

The day after the abortion, when I woke up I was devastated. The grief was worse than when my mother had died the previous year.

I went to church and was consoled by the vicar. A few days later I said to my husband that I didn't think I could ever get over it. I didn't seek help, as I had no idea this was anything other than an abnormal reaction.

At Christmas, when the baby was due, I drank heavily and had emotional outbursts. I then tried to get back to normal, and think positive, that I had done it for good reasons.

I tried to believe what I had been told: that this was not a baby, and that abortion was an improvement in science. This worked for about two and a half years, until I was going to work as normal and suffered a physical shock to my body, at a train station, when I saw a hallucination of a dead baby.

I have always been sensible. I hold down a professional job as a criminal lawyer. I could not believe what was happening. I did recover and pushed away that event.

About two years later, at Christmas, I woke to see a boy at my door. I thought it was my son, but it was a younger boy. He ran away, and I went to look for him.

I thought there were three children in the house.

He came to me a couple more times, and I realised who he was. He was the boy I might have had. Even my husband who saw things differently has had the same dream.

The years have been full of good times, but there has been an underlying strain. I only once felt peace in Church when I learned God has never been unforgiving.

This year, and the previous three years, I have constantly relieved the experience in my head but with a different outcome.

This year the whole trauma came back, to my body, like a physical shock.

I have suffered flashbacks, depression, and severe grief, and was on the brink of suicide when I found help.

My husband repeatedly says, "I can't believe this has done this to you. I thought you would be sad for a while then all right."

My daughter told my husband that, when I was in the bath, I didn't need to turn the taps on as my tears were falling so much.

I can assure you I am not a dramatic person. I would love to be my usual self for the sake of myself and everyone else. It is not a case of other problems in my life.

When a friend told me to get help, and I phoned the helpline, I thought I was mad and would die of grief. I could not believe it when I was told my reaction was natural.

I have since learnt of the suffering of many others. Yet, in England the Royal College of Obstetrician and Gynaecologists still advise there are no psychological side effects (except for some women who are disturbed anyway).

The BPAS still give no warning of any possible consequences.

The suffering is unimaginable, and is clouding my memories of the happy times with the other children. My marriage is under strain because of this.

I can only hope I recover, as my counsellor tells me I will.

At the centre, last night, I met an older lady there for the same reason. My counsellor is getting constant calls for help. This is with absolutely no advertising whatsoever.

I believe that, as abortion has only been legal for such a short time, and that the subject is taboo, that no proper long-term research has been done.

At the consultation, I was told you can feel regret whatever you do.

What I feel does not compare to regret. It is a living nightmare.

When I saw my usual Dr, lately, because of this I said, "Is this normal". He told me that it is very normal. He has women much, much worse than me. He has offered to send me to a psychologist if I do not recover through counselling.

Abortion Story: Carin Allen (United States)

2003-10-04T13:17:00.004+12:00

My journey through the horrible act of abortion started on August 10, 1997.

The test had come out positive. I had no time to really comprehend, or even think, I was just shocked.

I had to meet my parents at the airport. When my mom got off the plane, she was smiling and happy to see me, and I just burst into tears. She knew before I even said it. I was pregnant, We told my dad minutes later and even before I had said what I wanted, it was decided.

I am a heart patient, so their fear was not so much me having a baby, but me dying from the entire thing. They thought they would lose me.

The father of the baby, who became my husband later, didn't want to even deal with another child. He was in a battle for his 3-year-old son, as it was, and the thought of another was just not what he wanted.

After thought and consideration, I really wanted to have my baby, but I succumbed to the pressures around me.

On August 25th (my dad's birthday), I aborted my baby girl at 7 weeks of gestation. I knew, lying there on the cold table, it was not something I wanted, but I did it anyway. Not having any idea what was truly happening to my baby and me.

Rose was vacuumed out of my womb in less than 10 minutes; her soul was taken from me forever, and sent back to God.

It hurt physically for a few days, but the years of emotional pain have yet to leave me. I suffer from PASS or "post abortion stress syndrome." Like many veterans from wars who suffer from post traumatic stress disorder, it was a traumatic time in my life, where I shut down, and did what I had to do.

Now, today, I still grieve for my lost and only child. I have never conceived since.

I did end up marrying the father, Alex, but it was rough. I immediately tried getting pregnant again, but to no avail.

I heard the voice of my crying baby. I was consumed with trying to have another.

I was so guilty I did not know what to do. One day I just felt that dying would be enough of a trade for God to relieve me of my emotional pain from this. So, at one last attempt, I literally cried out to Jesus for help. I said, "Please Jesus, give me help, mercy and compassion. Please save me from death." I was talking about both physical, and emotional death, because if I could not kill my self I was just going to go numb and stay numb.

That very day, that very minute God answered me. He literally led me through the phone book to the Crisis Pregnancy center in my area, and got me on the phone with the kindest voice I had ever heard. I talked with a woman, who told me help was available, but I really had to be ready to receive it.

She understood my loss, my hurt, and my emotional state because she too had been there. On the fateful day of September 11th, 2001 I started my post abortion workshop and found that no matter what I had done, even murdering my child, God still loves me, wants to forgive me, and welcomes me to His arms for comfort.

I learned that no matter how hard I try, I am not going to change August 25th, 1997, but I can change every day forward of my life to the better for me and my unborn daughter.

Through the workshop, I met many other women who have gone through abortion. I saw that I was not the only woman torn apart about what I had done, and I found out that I could heal.

Today the issue of abortion still haunts me... my husband cheated on me and got another woman pregnant, not once or twice, but three times, and all three babies were aborted.

I tried getting pregnant the entire 5 years we were married. I grieve for those babies, too. They are the brothers and sisters of my daughter Rose.

Today, I am divorced, and dealing with the fact the after all I went through, I can not change somebody else. All I can do is change myself.

It has been a long journey. I miss my daughter every day, and I dream about her at times, too.

Rose would be 5 1/2 today. I know for a fact she is in heaven, I know for a fact that I will see her, and I know for a fact I am forgiven through the blood that Jesus Christ has shed for me.

I know that I may never have a child, or even be able to adopt one, but if I can help other women heal from abortions, I will try my best to do the work for my daughter's life not to be in vain.

She never lived outside of my womb, but she lives in my heart even today.

My name is Carin F. Allen, and this is real.

God bless you, and know there is help out there if you care to receive it.

Abortion Story: Amanda Kellaway (Australia)

2003-10-04T13:12:00.006+12:00

On September 3, 2002, I was forced to have an abortion by my parents.

Even on the operating table, I sat up and said, "No, I don't want this". The doctor used force to jab the needle in.

Now, I struggle with depression because of the grief, and PTSD, which I will have for the rest of my life.

I will never be able to move on with my life. I don't even want to be here anymore. The only reason I am still alive is because I know what it would do to my parents and friends.

Dr W******* of G********** Day Surgery [details supplied] will get what's coming to him, for killing my son.

Abortion Story: Susan (United States)

2003-09-27T12:54:00.002+12:00

When I was 17 years old, I became pregnant.

I remember calling my mother at her place of work, and finding out (she brought my urine sample to her physician she worked for). She told me to come straight home from school, and we would talk. I didn't listen to her.

Instead, I ran to my boyfriend's house and told him the news. I think I was hoping he would say, "It's okay Susan, we'll work it out." But instead he was angry, and said, "What are you going to do?"

I said I didn't know, and he then said I had to get an abortion, that there was no way we were ready to have a baby.

I remember going to the bathroom and crying. He came in, acting so loving, caring, and concerned. We held each other for a long time, then I remember thinking I had to get an abortion, what was I thinking I could have this baby?

I was smoking pot, drinking, and taking speed! Whenever I could party, I did. Of course, the baby would probably be deformed, or mentally retarded. I know now these are things I told myself to make it "easier".

After the abortion, I was in a lot of pain, both physically, and emotionally.

My mother was there for me, but I knew she didn't approve, either. However, she was (and still is) a firm believer in the right to choose. I only wish she would have taken me aside, and educated me on what I was really doing.

I didn't fully understand the full impact of it until 3 years later, when I became pregnant again, and chose life. It was with the same man, who tried to talk me out of it... but I knew I could do it without him, if necessary.

I am 40 years old now, and every year my niece (who was born a few months after I would have had that baby) has a birthday, I mourn. I know I would have had a child her age.

I now find myself with a daughter, who at 17 years of age, is pregnant. Luckily her step-dad, her boyfriend and everyone else in our immediate family is very supportive of her decision to keep the baby.

I like to think that her decision was based on her knowing what I did, how much pain it has caused, and how much I have regretted it.

Abortion Story: Cate (New Zealand)

2003-09-22T12:51:00.003+12:00

My husband, a doctor, coerced me into aborting our 5th baby. He made it obvious that he was very unhappy with the 'situation', and my feeling was that he would leave us if I did not go through with the abortion.

I was ill with the pregnancy, and with four other young children to look after, I unhappily agreed to the process.

He left us anyway on the day the baby would have been born. I don't know how to get over this.

I would have never entertained the idea of abortion if it had not been for his persistent passive aggressive pressure.

It is the biggest regret in my life.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Jeannie* (Canada)

2003-09-17T12:43:00.000+12:00

In 1969, when I was 19 years, old I got married. Practically nine months to the day I gave birth to a baby boy. My marriage was really rocky, and when my son was 9 months old, we decided to separate.

After the separation, we tried to reconcile, and I became pregnant. We were still separated.

My parents were very, very upset that I was pregnant. They felt that I should have an abortion, and they told me that one day I would have more babies, but the time wasn't right for this baby.

In those days (it was 1971), in Vancouver, BC, in order to have an abortion, you had to have permission from your family doctor, a gynecologist and a psychiatrist.

I really did not want an abortion. I wanted to have the baby. In order to placate my parents, I decided to go through the procedure of seeing the three professionals.

The family doctor, a Dr. L****** C****, who had a practice on H******* Street [details supplied] in Vancouver OK'd the abortion, as did the gynecologist.

Then it was time to go to the psychiatrist. He denied it. He told me that it would bother me my entire life, that some people were cut out to have abortions, but I was not one of them.

I breathed a sigh of relief and, of course, nothing could be done much to my parents dismay!

So, I proceeded along with my pregnancy. At close to five months pregnant, I was giving my son his supper, one night, when I got terrible pain and bleeding.

I phoned my mother to come over and she took me to the hospital. Dr. C. came in, and I remember my mother standing at the end of the bed and saying, "Kick her in the stomach a few times to make sure it's really dead!"

Dr. C. said, "The baby is already dead."

I was so young and inexperienced I never thought to ask, "How on earth would you know that the baby is dead when you just got here, and haven't even examined me yet?"

Anyway, he said that I had to get a D&C. So, later on, I was wheeled up to the operating room for the "procedure".

I truly believed that the baby was dead! The really strange part is that, two weeks before this happened, I had a dream. In the dream I was in an operating room, and I was having the baby, except it was too early for the baby, and as I was being wheeled in I was telling the nurses this.

When I was being wheeled into the operating room, to have the so called D&C, the operating room was set out exactly as it was in my dream. Also the nurse was the same even though I had never seen her before in my life!

So the "procedure" was done and, the next morning, Dr. C. came in to see me. (I was still in the hospital.)

I asked him what sex the baby was, and he abruptly told me that it was too early to tell. I know now that at that gestation that baby was fully formed and, perhaps, viable. As a matter of fact, my daughter in law gave birth to a baby at 22 weeks gestation, and the baby is now a healthy happy three-year-old!

I was discharged from the hospital feeling such an emptiness. But, life went on.

I knew in my heart that it was nature's way. I had not had an abortion… or so I thought!

Eight years ago, my mother and I were at Bingo. I don't know what possessed her to tell me what she told me. She said, "Jeannie… do you remember when you had your miscarriage?"

I said, "Yes"

She said, "Well, the baby wasn't really dead. Once you were under anesthetic, Dr. C. came out of the operating room and told me that the baby wasn't really dead and asked Dad and I what we wanted him to do. We told him to abort it. If you say anything about this to anyone, I will deny it."

I was devastated!!! All I could think about was that poor little baby inside me, curled up so secure, and that barbarian ripping him out of me! The anger is so intense!

My mother died three years ago, and I now live in Australia, and I did go on to have four more beautiful children. But, I have always felt such a loss for the poor little baby that wasn't to be. It was bad enough that I thought I lost the baby through miscarriage, but the baby was murdered!!!

I would really like to know what Dr. C. put on the medical report… and I wonder if the baby was alive when delivered, or if the poor little thing was in pain.

I feel like contacting the college of physicians and surgeons in Vancouver and report Dr C. for doing an illegal abortion because it was indeed an illegal abortion.

I was 21 years old, and of legal age. He had no right to ask my parents what to do.

When he discovered the baby was alive, he should have just left it there!

Dr. C. would be in his seventies right now, and I'm sure he would not be practicing medicine anymore. He may even be dead, himself, for all I know.

I just feel that there hasn't been "closure" on this issue.

Abortion Story: Sophia* (United States)

2003-09-15T12:37:00.000+12:00

I had been dating my now-husband, Paul, for 2 years when I had missed my period. I wasn't too concerned, at first, because, being on the Pill, my period was sometimes late or early.

My doctor had told me that taking the Pill a few hours difference each day wouldn't make a difference, because my schedule was always different. Well, she was wrong… and here's my story:

I decided, after a week, to take a pregnancy test, and to my surprise it was positive. I really didn't believe it, at first, because I didn't think it could happen to me. So, I took 6 home pregnancy tests, and all came up positive.

Well, I told my fiancé at the time that I was pregnant and we cried and talked for hours about what we were going to do.

I was confused, I had my wedding set for 4 months from then, we wanted to wait to have children, and we just didn't know what to do.

We went online, and researched some abortion clinics, and some post abortion stories. We also looked at the expense of a child, and the point we were at in our lives, and mutually agreed to have an abortion.

Right up until the point that I went into the room, my husband was asking if I was sure, and that's when I started having second thoughts.

It was so casual in there, women talking about how many [abortions] they have had, and its like a production line, one comes out, one goes in.

The staff was very unfriendly, and didn't show any sympathy. They treated you like you were stupid for getting pregnant.

Well, they called my name, and I went in for a pregnancy test, just to confirm that it was positive, and they told me to go out and wait again.

At that point, I should have walked right out but I didn't.

They called my name, and I went into the procedure room, got undressed, and this very unprofessional, very rude nurse put my legs in the stirrups, and was saying I should have used protection.

I was stating my second thoughts to her when the doctor came in. He didn't even introduce himself, and told me to relax. Yeah, like at that point I wanted to relax.

I started saying that I wasn't sure about it, and they covered my face with an oxygen mask, and were saying it will all be over in a minute, literally.

Next thing I know, I woke up and looked down at the end of the table, and saw this blood filled bucket with clumps of tissue which was my baby.

I felt awful. They didn't say anything to me. I was crying and holding my stomach, and wanted to take everything back. I wouldn't be able to, though.

For a couple days, I was bleeding, and I kept thinking that it was the stuff they didn't get out, pieces of my baby still coming out. I had some cramps, and felt depressed.

It has only been 7 months since my abortion, and I would have had my baby last month. There is not one day that goes by that I don't regret what I did. I will never know whether I would have a boy or girl, and when I do get pregnant again, I will always think that it won't be my first.

It's very hard because, even though my husband is supportive, he can't really understand the emotions, so he doesn't know what to say.

I also think about when I do try for a baby, whether I will be able to conceive or if I will have infertility problems from the abortion. Because I was knocked out, who knows what really happened and how careful they were with the abortion?

The reason that I'm sharing my story is that if I can reach one girl who is thinking about having an abortion, and let her know that there is always help, family will be supportive in the end, there are plenty of young, single mothers and while it may not be easy there is always help.

Please, Please think about it carefully so that you don't have any regrets like my husband and I do, everyday.

If you are thinking about having an abortion, talk to someone, consider all of your options first, and don't do it unless you are 110% sure.

Please also be prepared to face protestors at some of the abortion clinics, which was something I didn't think about before-hand, either.

Please take care and get the help you need to make the right decision for you and your baby.

Thinking about you all.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Gisela* (United States)

2003-09-07T12:32:00.000+12:00

I had my abortion 5 months ago. I was then 19, and living in and apartment with 2 friends.

My family had no real part in my life, at the time, and my boyfriend and I had recently broken up because I couldn't take the physical and emotional abuse from him anymore.

He was living about 400 miles away from me when I found out I was pregnant with his baby.

The second I discovered I was pregnant, I promised myself that I would have this baby. I had absolutely no doubt, in my mind, that I would have it. I had no car, or job, at that time, but worked to get Medicaid, and even made an appointment with a doctor.

A week after I found out, I finally got the courage to tell the father. Of course he wanted me to have an abortion. I told him that I was not going to have one. I even told him that he didn't have to help me, but I was having the baby with, or without, him. And finally he agreed to go along with it.

I knew he still wanted me to have the abortion, but I didn't know how bad until he started harassing me, daily, with phone calls and threats [of what] would happen to me, if I had this baby.

I was so weak, and emotional, at the time, that it really started to scare me. But it wasn't until he decided to call my mother's cell phone (who, at the time, did not know I was pregnant), and take it upon himself to tell her, and try to convince her that I should have an abortion.

The whole time I had no support. Even my pro-life friends were telling me it would be best to "get rid of the baby," as if it's that simple.

When my mother told me she would pay for the abortion. I felt like it was unavoidable. In my scared and confused head, it seemed as if I had no choice. And although I still didn't want to, I went through with the abortion.

March 30 was the worst day of my life. It was the beginning of a living hell.

I now look at my life as before and after the abortion. I will never be the same, my heart will always be broken, and I will never stop blaming myself for what I've done to my baby.

Abortion only makes things worse. It's only good for the abortion clinics, who are "making a killing" off of weak and confused girls, out there, with no one to help them make a good decision.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Jayne* (New Zealand)

2003-09-07T12:28:00.002+12:00

The year was 1995 when I had my first and last abortion.

I was 19 and I already had 2 kids — a daughter who was 2-going-on-3, and a son who was only 1.

At that time, I didn't know what to do. My boyfriend, who I am with today, said to me that he didn't want to have another baby, to get rid of it right away.

At that time, if he had told me to jump of a cliff for him, I would have, because he meant everything to me.

So, without any thought, I went ahead with it.

The day I had the abortion was like my life ended.

I was so depressed, and angry, that I took my depression out on alcohol. Everytime I drank, I would blame it on my boyfriend, and that would make him feel guilty all the time.

But, in time, I got over it.

I never even told my parents about it, because I was too ashamed, but they eventually found out and supported me all the way.

Today, if you asked me if I believe in abortions, I would say, “No f---ing way. I would never kill my baby ever again.”

Today, I still think about what I had done.

Today, I am 5 and a half months pregnant with my third child. I am due on December 20, 5 days before Christmas. What a wonderful gift he or she would be if it was born on Christmas day, don't you think?

Having this baby is a constant reminder of what I had destroyed, but when you are pressured into something you don't want to do, it can be painful.

All I would like to say to all the women that have been suffering is, “You are not alone.”

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Rebecca (United States)

2003-09-02T12:18:00.000+12:00

About 25 years ago, the unthinkable happened to me... a forced abortion to one who was dead-set against abortion.

I dated a man, for about 2 months, whom I had doubts about. I told him that our values and goals were far too different, and that we should break up. He fell to the ground, shaking and gasping uncontrollably, almost like a seizure. I felt sorry for him, and continued to date him for a month.

In that next month, I became pregnant, against all odds. As I was against pre-marital sex, we had only begun to "fool around." I was also on the birth control pill, as my high school biology teacher had warned us of "pregnant virgins."

In the meantime, I suffered a concussion, and was x-rayed, uncovered, unleaded, with multiple exposures, in addition to an uncovered CAT scan. I was advised by the doctor to have a "therapeutic abortion" due to massive x-ray exposure, which had harmed the fetus.

I was against abortion.

The boyfriend, who had already evidenced his instability when he fell to the ground trembling, now became more unstable and abusive, threatening to kill the baby and me if I had it. I told him I would leave the state. He said he had ways to find us, and would track us down. I tried desperately to find a home for unwed mothers.

Meanwhile, the boyfriend scheduled an abortion at a clinic. I told the clinic I did not want the abortion.

The clinic counselor told me the baby was not a baby, and that it was the size of my fingernail. I told her I had studied biology, and that my fetus was several inches long. She gave me no support, and had no clue.

Anyone with a computer or internet access now can view the size of a 4.5-month-old fetus. It is, indeed, inches long, and can often survive outside the womb at 20 weeks.

The clinic also told me that I was 14 weeks pregnant, not almost 20. They incorrectly told me that my 2-day spotting in my second month was a period. It was not. It was breakthrough bleeding, as I had continued the birth control pill. And it was the week I didn't take the pill. Therefore, I spotted.

I was nearly 20 weeks pregnant, and the baby was moving inside me, turning. The uninformed clinic counselor told me my baby was not turning. To this day, I know that my baby was turning, as this is a common event at 20 weeks.

I searched for help. This was before the internet. I found nothing. I even went to a Catholic church, to find someone to take me in, but all the doors were locked. Not even the rectory was open.

I locked myself in the bathroom, at home, refusing to get the abortion. The boyfriend took the door down, from the outside, unscrewing it bit by bit, until he took it off the hinges. He was taking me to the abortion clinic whether I wanted to go, or not.

I had nowhere to go, no one to turn to. I considered the damaged fetus being unadoptable. (I had wanted to give the baby up for adoption.)

The women, at the clinic undergoing abortions, were so nonchalant. Abortion seemed like a method of birth control to them. They laughed at me because I was crying. I thought of ways to escape out the back door, but my boyfriend had threatened to hunt us both down and kill us.

I had the abortion, and woke up laughing hysterically, as, yes, I was hysterical. The nurse slapped my face.

When the boyfriend-murderer got me home, he said, and I quote, "Now you know what it feels like to be hurt." Then he laughed — what I would call a blood-chilling, evil laugh. Like that is funny, to kill someone's baby? How ignorant. How cruel. How mentally ill.

I almost died from septic poisoning from the abortion.

I left the boyfriend.

Over the years, I had numerous surgeries, blocked tubes, etc. I never had children, as I was rendered infertile for years. When I finally got pregnant with a wonderful, loving husband, I was too old, and miscarried the little one.

My advice for anyone with a forced abortion is: Do not give up. Go to the police, if necessary.

If I were to do this over, I would go to a police station for protection. And you know what? Leave the state.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that he was just intimidating me. He probably would never have found me had I gone to a home for unwed mothers out of state.

Above all, forced abortion, and threats of murder to both mother and child, are all illegal in the United States.

Remember this. I still cry myself to sleep some nights. The pain does not go away with the passage of time. It only is latent, deadened.

Abortion Story: Leena* (United States)

2003-08-27T12:08:00.002+12:00

I'm now 21 years old, and I had my abortion 2 months ago... I was about six weeks pregnant.

It was, and has been, the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life. I didn't want to do it... I just felt stuck, like I had no choice.

My boyfriend and I had been together for only about six months, and were living together. We were not having protected sex, so my pregnancy was bound to happen.

He knew, before I did, that I was pregnant. He told me for a couple of weeks, and I kept saying, “Nah, nah… my period isn't due yet.” But I was wrong.

One Saturday, I went to the grocery store to pick up my pregnancy test, and secretly took it that day. When the pink line came up fast, I was completely shocked. I walked out of the bathroom, not being able to speak, and just motioned for my boyfriend to go look in the bathroom.

The first thing he said to me was, “His name is Alex.” I was in more shock than he was, almost crying. But in the back of my mind, I was so happy. I'd always wanted a baby. I'd always imagined myself pregnant. It was finally happening for me.

For the next few days, my boyfriend told me he'd support me in whatever decision I made, whether it was to keep it, or have and abortion. I always said I didn't know, but I secretly knew I wanted the baby. I figured, we're both adults, we both work, and I'm planning on going back to school. To top it off, we're in love and planned on getting married. I could do this.

But suddenly, he put down the line. I had to abort the baby. We weren't ready financially or emotionally, he said. I didn't want to. I cried, and cried.

I couldn't function during the day. I made an appointment at the abortion clinic. I cried, and cried. The night before my appointment, I cried, and begged him to let me keep it.

There was nothing more I wanted than to keep this baby. I wish I would have been stronger. But I wasn't, and I went through with it. The morning of my appointment was dark and rainy. We drove, and I was numb.

Once we got inside, I was shocked at how many women/girls were there. I cried from the time that they called my name, to the time I went under anesthesia.

It was the scariest thing I've ever been through. And I would never go through it again.

To this day, I hate seeing pregnant women. It can ruin my day to see one. Babies, even.

It breaks my heart to know that in February, I would have had my own. The worst thing is that I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. My boyfriend and I are still together, but it's not the same. He doesn't understand what it feels like. God love him, he does try. But a man will never know what an abortion feels like.

The moment you find out you're pregnant, you have an instant bond... something that no one will never be able to understand until they experience it themselves.

Did I do the right thing? I still ask myself that everyday. If I took away the emotions, I would say, “Yes.” I'm only 21 years old, and I still have my entire life.

I'm trying to get through school, and work full time to get through it. My boyfriend and I are broke. We are scraping by, with rent every month. Financially, we could not support a baby right now.

But, with the emotions? Yes, I wish I did have that baby. That was my child and, even without any money at all, that would be the love of my life... So its hard to say. Its over now, and I have to get on with my life.

I will always love that little boy with all of my heart and, someday, I'll have him again. Till then, I just have to learn to be strong.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Louise* (United States)

2003-08-22T12:05:00.000+12:00

It was a total shock to find out I was pregnant. But after the initial shock had subsided, I was pleased, and as I had been living with my boyfriend for about 2 years, I thought everything would be OK.

But, he was horrified, and kept asking, “What are you going to do?” and [saying] that he didn't want our baby. He did say he would support us, but he didn't want to.

Looking back, over three years later, I am at a total loss as to why I had an abortion, and I have, without success, been trying to get pregnant ever since.

The abortion was appallingly easy to arrange, and was done and dusted within one day.

The place was clean, and the staff friendly, but it was obviously a business — which had added to my guilt that I paid for someone to kill my child.

I don't remember a day, since, that I haven't wished I could turn back the clock. I feel a loss, like I'm a mother, but with no baby to hold. It's a physical pain.

As far as I can tell, the father has put the whole thing out of his mind — we don't talk about it.

I don't have the words to explain how much I regret the abortion. My advice to anyone thinking about it, is to think some more.

I am pro-choice, but no one should think it's a choice you can walk away from.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Allison* (United States)

2003-08-21T22:50:00.002+12:00

I was 20 years old. I had been dating this guy for a few months. He was very abusive, so I broke of the relationship.

A month after we stopped dating, I found out I was pregnant. I was at school when I took the pregnancy test. I could not believe it.

I was still living at home with my mom and step-dad. When my mom found out she said I should have an abortion, because the guy would be in my life for the rest of my life, and she did not want my step-dad to find out.

When I told my best friend, she also said I should have an abortion. She said it was no big deal. She'd had one before. She even told me she would pay for it, and I could pay her back.

I decided to have the abortion. My best friend and another girl met me at the abortion clinic in Atlanta. It was November 1994.

I went in, and they did an ultrasound. They would not let you see the screen. I was not put to sleep because I was told it was better not to be. I remember everything about that day. It was horrifying. I remember thinking that I had just murdered my child. When I was leaving the clinic, and saw my best friend, the first words I said to her was that she lied to me, and I hated her.

But what I really meant was that I hated myself.

It has been 9 years, and I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I have had lots of anger and regret from this.

I could not tell you how many times I have asked God to forgive me. I was very upset one night, and I was talking to my husband (he is very loving and understanding), and he said, “God forgave you the first time you asked, now you need to forgive yourself.”

It took me 9 years to do that.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Kay* (United States)

2003-08-08T22:42:00.002+12:00

I was 26, definitely "old" enough to have a baby. But, I was terrified. Getting pregnant triggered old fears I had related to my body and my sexuality. I was molested when I was younger, and have gone to counseling sessions to deal with the memories, but, still, this disproportionate fear sometimes overwhelms me.

I was 6 weeks pregnant when I found out. I'd been living with my boyfriend for over a year, and had a full time job with benefits. When I found out, I took my boyfriend out to dinner, and told him I was pregnant. We celebrated, clinked glasses, and talked about baby names.

That night, the fear started to creep in, and by the next morning it was all I could do to stop crying in the shower and get myself to work.

That night, still in a state of tension and turmoil, I went and saw my best friend, a women with six children of her own. Strangely enough, when I told her that I was pregnant and terrified, and couldn't do this, she gave me the number of a doctor who did abortions. She told me that she had had an abortion, between her 4 and 5th kids (who were twins) and her last. She told me it wasn't all that bad. It suddenly seemed like an easy solution to my "problem."

That night I came home and told my boyfriend I was getting an abortion. As I remember, he didn't try to talk me out of it, but he now claims that he did. Either way, he said he would support my decision.

I did a bunch of research on the internet, about different abortion techniques, and finally came upon the idea of having an herbal abortion. It seemed a more "natural" thing to do and, thus, less terrible.

At the time, I was seeing a homeopathic doctor for treatments. He was aware of my sexual abuse history, as well. I went to him the next day, and told him that I was pregnant, and wanted to have an abortion, and asked him if he could give me the herbs for an herbal abortion. I don't remember him trying to talk me out of it, either. He gave me the herbs, and I started taking them immediately. Somehow taking the herbs seemed comforting to me, even though, after a couple of days, I felt like I was being poisoned (which I was).

The herbs didn't work in the next couple of days, so I ended up going to the doctor who did surgical and chemical abortions. He did an ultrasound, and it wasn't until then that I really realized that it was a small unborn child that I was dealing with, not just this overwhelming sense of fear that I felt, too.

At that point I would have had a change of heart. I felt so much love and excitement and desire and longing to have this baby inside me. But, I had already taken the herbs, and unless I wanted to have a severely damaged baby, I had to take the pill.

So I did.

And I had the abortion.

It was the single most painful experience, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, that I have ever gone through.

And then I quit my job, broke up with my boyfriend, and ran away to another state where I smoked cigarettes constantly, and drank as much as I could.

It was awful. I wanted to forget everything I had just gone through. That lasted about six months.

I came back home, and by the grace of god got back together with my boyfriend, and moved back into my house. I couldn't get my job back, but I am working on opening my own business, now. I am just beginning to deal with the grief and the pain I feel from this abortion.

I have always considered myself a feminist. And have stood firmly on the "woman's right to choose" side of the abortion debate. Now, I think, the woman's right to choose... what? - pain, depression, guilt, regret, lost hopes and dreams? Somehow, among many feminists, there is the belief that abortion is somehow empowering. When I started taking those herbs, I felt "empowered" for a few days. I felt like I was a woman who was choosing the destiny of her own body. But when the realization set in, I felt profoundly devastated. The destiny of most abortions isn't liberation, but rather post-traumatic stress disorder.

It is very hard to live with the decision I made. I wonder sometimes why no one around me understood me enough to just tell me, "I know you are scared, but you can do this. I believe in you."

I'm actually going to go and talk to the naturopath, tomorrow, about my feelings. I've seen him around town, and he won't even say "Hi." I feel like he is mad at me for having an abortion. I want to tell him I needed someone, and even he wasn't there for me. I hope that he might learn from me, and the next time someone comes to see him like me, he might support them more, and help them through such a difficult decision in a different way.

I pray that I might also be able to help a young woman, or women someday. I think the division between liberal feminists, and conservative Christians needs to be mended so we can come together to celebrate womanhood and our ability to make babies! Nowhere, in the whole abortion debate, is the recognition and celebration of the woman and her ability to bear children.

Let's get over the pro-choice/pro-life debate, and all become pro-woman.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Fiona* (United States)

2003-08-06T22:30:00.003+12:00

When I was 17, or 18, I had an abortion.

I was in boarding school and went to [New York City] for the weekend to meet a boy I was dating at the time. We mostly liked to party together, and that weekend, to date, is a blur.

Several weeks later, I noticed my appetite increasing, and waking rather early for breakfast, and taking more than my usual helpings at lunch and dinner. My friends would make fun, and say that I must be having a growth spurt.

Eventually, I began getting very tired around 6 or 7 at night, laying down to take a nap and not waking until the next morning.

This was interfering with my school work and, when finals came around, I had been sleeping so much that I had not studied for a single one. So on the day of my French exam, I went to the infirmary complaining about an upset stomach — mostly biding my time out of the exam.

The nurse felt of my stomach and asked if I could be pregnant. I hadn't thought about it before she asked, and shrugged my shoulders thinking, “Well, maybe.”

I took a pregnancy test, and she let me take a nap until that class period was over — except that I awoke around 5 in the afternoon. I went to her office and said that she must have forgotten that I was back there, and she asked me to shut the door and have a seat.

I was pregnant, she said. And I laughed — not believing her.

After letting it soak in, I of course started to freak out. Called the boy, and he told me that I would have to have an abortion… that it wasn't that big of a deal because his last girlfriend had one.

I freaked out over that too… I hadn't known that he got another girl pregnant.

Later that evening I called my father and told him the news. That was followed by a long silence.

The next day, my father flew up to the school and we all had a meeting together: the headmaster, the dean of students, the head nurse, my dorm parent, my advisor, my counselor, my father, and me all in one tiny room discussing “What I should do.”

My father insisted that “it would all be taken care of.” The head master said that there was no way that I could continue going to school there while pregnant (mind you… this was my entire future and all that I cared about at that time, and I had one semester left before graduation).

Finally, the head nurse said to me, “What do you want to do?” (No one had asked me that through all their conversation.) I said, “I've had friends who have gotten pregnant, some have had their babies, some have not. I always thought that if this happens to me, I would have an abortion. But now that it's happening, I don't really know what I believe in.”

Again, my father assured everyone that “it will be taken care of.” That I will take my exams, come home for spring break, then return as if nothing had ever happened and graduate on time.

When the meeting was over, I asked my dad if I could please come home and take my exams when I got back — that I could take a medical leave because I was sleeping so much and already feeling a little sick in the mornings. He said, “Absolutely not.”

My parents are divorced, so I went to my mother's instead. My mother's husband is a devout Catholic, and he refused to have me in the house in that condition, and threatened my mother with divorce. He ended up saying that if she participates in any of this, that he would certainly divorce her.

In the mean time, my father was calling each day asking if it was taken care of. I would tell him that I don't know how I feel about this, and I don't know what to do. Briefly, my mother tried explaining finances, the boy came down to be with me, although perpetually uninterested in the whole ordeal.

Finally, one morning, my dad called again, more stern than before and said “I want you to hang up the phone, make an appointment, and the next time I talk to you I want this to be finished — you are losing time.”

Coldly, I did just that — tired of fighting I guess. I walked up the stairs, woke up the boy, and told him that X hour, I would be having it done.

I went into the bathroom and took a bath. I remember being terribly hungry. And this was the first time I had acknowledged that something was in me: I thought, I am not hungry, the baby is hungry — this isn't my hunger I'm feeling. And I laid there in total shock of what was about to take place.

My mother took me to the doctor, and the boy came, too. All of my motions were emotionless. I was cold, unfeeling, and going through the motions of taking blood and whatever else they had to do.

My mother was by my side until the doctor came in. Then she took my hand and said, I can't stay with you for this. And I became angry. I said, “You are my mother, and I need you here with me right now,” and she pleaded for me to understand. So I said, “Send the boy in.” I was given the Demerol and started to fade out. I remember the doctor was an old man, and he never said a word to me. In fact, I don't remember anyone really talking to me at all.

I was out for part of the procedure — because I kept waking up through it all and I remember distinctly the sounds, and squirming, and the boy holding me down.

I remember pain, masked by drugs, and I remember saying “No.” And when it was over, I woke to find a pool of blood beneath me, the boy by my side.

I asked if it was over and he said, “Yes.”

What was amazing, was when I came out of it all and was back at my mother's house, instantly, I didn't have morning sickness, I didn't feel funny, there was no spotting, I had a normal appetite… in short, it was like nothing had ever happened, and that disturbed me more than anything else.

The whole thing in a matter of hours had been erased.

To this day — 10 years later — it has never been discussed by my family.

I have always been angry because I was threatened with my future. The school I loved was telling me I couldn't return, my father was saying that he would not support it, either, emotionally or financially — that I could not come home like that, and many other things I don't want to print here.

The boy was so indifferent it was nausiating and my mother never stepped up to the plate to say, “You can do this if that's what you want.”

I can not forgive that I was made to believe that having a baby would ruin my life. That, I was made to believe I didn't have the capacity to take care of a baby. Women all the time do it on their own, finish their education, and go on to have successful lives. But, somehow, it was thought that I didn't have the strength to pull that off, and I will always resent that, and I will never truly forgive myself for not being stronger.

Afterwards, I had a series of bloody nightmares that I tried talking to my counselor about, and she shrugged it off as “part of it.” And to date, I have to say the effects are subtle, yet monumental:

I ask myself, “How can I have a baby and watch my family be happy about it when they couldn't be happy before?” I know this will make me angry.

And how do I reconcile love for a baby, now that it would be convenient, when I know one was never given a chance?

I question whether or not adoption for my first child will be better because at least then, I will have given one baby a chance, and then can feel ok about having one of my own later — sort of righting the wrong.

The truth of the matter is that having an abortion was not the best thing for me, because I can never forgive myself for it.

I believe in the right to choose. I just believe, in my situation, that I didn't really get to choose, and that, ultimately, I am responsible for that.

But then again, I try to tell myself, that I had all the authority figures that I respected, or loved, telling me what I should do. So, in part, I think, maybe I'm not totally responsible.

But when it comes down to it, I am the one who has to live with “that choice.” What makes it even more bitter is that I did not need a parental consent. I signed the papers myself.

If I have any advice for anyone out there, no matter what the age, but specifically for younger women, it is: follow your gut and if it doesn't feel right, it isn't.

We are all strong enough to finish our educations and achieve our life's dreams, with or without children. No doubt, it may take longer, or may be more difficult, but it isn't impossible. And when the day is finished, you are the one who will have to answer for your choices… make sure they are the ones you want to make, and not ones that have been forced upon you (or strongly recommended).

I'm not saying abortion is wrong — I'm saying that it may be wrong for you, and you are the only one who can know that. More than likely, I have a feeling, the closer you get to having the baby, those family members that are not supportive will soon show themselves buying little clothes and shoes — I've never known anyone to turn away from a baby once it becomes a visible possibility.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Genna* (United States)

2003-08-04T22:26:00.003+12:00

I am 22 years old and this is my story:

I was in a relationship with someone I thought was Mr. Wonderful. I am also a single mother.

My boyfriend and I had dated only a short time when I became pregnant.

He had two beautiful children of his own. I thought that he was loving, and cared about me and what I was feeling. But his true self had shown through.

He told me that I should have an abortion. I had always been against abortions. I kept telling him that I couldn't do such a horrible thing, and that I could never live with myself.

He kept on being very, very persistent with me and said that I could not afford to take care of two babies, and that he had two of his own to take care of.

He also said that he would be there for me, and that when we got married, I could have as many babies as I wanted.

I was going to tell my family I was pregnant after my son's first birthday, but after two weeks of nagging he won the fight.

When we got to the clinic, I sat there for what seemed like forever. The clinic made me sick. I just wanted to yell and scream. I hated everyone there, and my boyfriend. After I took the first pill I tried so hard to act alright.

He was not there for me, nor did he even bother to call and see how I was doing.

But after two and a half years I am still hurting inside. My heart aches every summer when my baby would have been born.

If I could just help one person to not make this choice I would fly any distance to help her. We can do anything we want without a father around. Just pray always for strength. Please give your unborn child a life and a choice to live - in your arms or a loving adoptive mother.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Kelsey (Australia)

2003-07-23T22:18:00.003+12:00

I had just broken up with my boyfriend of only 4 months. I knew I loved him and he loved me, too. We just needed a break. We knew that we were meant to be.

While going to visit him on weekends, I always seemed to be feeling unwell, and tired, which wasn't normal for me. I was a 21yr old girl who loved to have a good time.

I went to the doctor to see what was wrong. He then rang and asked me to come into the clinic. So I went in and was told I was pregnant. Well, I nearly died. I couldn't believe it. I had no signs.

I thought I would do the right thing and tell my ex seeing it was his baby, too.

Well, he didn't want to know about it, and just told me he is too young, and to get rid of it.

I was in tears. He hurt me so much. How could he understand it was in my body?

I thought and thought about it for days, still talking to my other half. He turned around and said if I didn't get rid of it, I could forget about him. That broke my heart. I loved him so much.

So what decision did I have? I went and had the baby terminated.

He didn't even come with me. I went alone. Not once has he called me, since, and it has been a month.

I hate him for making me do that. I would have been the best mum. He still doesn't want to know, and having him not support me like he said he would, I have became numb.

I drink alcohol all the time, and just get blind. I have nightmares, and just cry myself to sleep. I feel so alone, and scared. How could he do this to me? He was supposed to love me. What a lie that is.

I still get cramping sensations sometimes, and it hurts so much. Everything hurts. I have tried to get past it, but the dreams and thoughts…

I just don't want to deal with it anymore. It hurts so much, and he couldn't even care what I went through for him, because I loved him. That doesn't matter to him.

I want it all to stop!

Abortion Story: Caroline* (United States)

2003-07-08T22:11:00.003+12:00

I am in my thirties, and have had two abortions.

Losing my children have changed my life forever.

This is my story…

My first abortion occurred in 1987, months after losing my father to illness. My way of dealing with my grief was to “attach” myself to anyone who was there for me at the time. I met someone through my job, became close intimately, then beyond our worst fears, I became pregnant.

My pregnancy was the product of an affair. My husband and I have been estranged from each other during the course of my father's death, and like I said earlier, I needed someone to cling to during my loss.

The father of my baby had been preparing to move to another state when all this happened. He was 24, I was 23. He said the only way out, was to have an abortion. Also, my family supported that decision. My mother, out of fear, and my sister, because she, herself, had an abortion, and said I must weigh the “good of all” versus the “good of one”. My sister is a practicing Scientologist, and this was a motto of theirs.

My sister took me to several abortion clinics, and told me “you need to handle this”. Weeks later, in a flood of emotions, I drove with the father to Dallas, Texas, and killed my child.

The next day he sent me back on the plane to face my husband, and the rest of my life, alone.

For years after the abortion, I went from relationship to relationship, trying to find happiness.

The only way I could survive the rest of my life was to think about the day when I can get pregnant again, to fill that awful void.

Two years later, I reunited with the father, after divorcing my husband. I became pregnant, and this time, there was no way I would give up my child.

He is now 11, and the best thing that has ever happened to me. I believe in my heart that I wanted to reunite with the father to somehow “recreate” the child I had lost.

I have my aborted child's brother, who I love dearly. But, they are not one in the same. They are two different people, and having an abortion distorts all logical thinking. All you know is, I want my child back, at any cost…

I wish I could say my story ends here. But, with abortion, the effects linger on…

Ten years later, I was dating an Islamic guy who wanted (I thought), to give me the world. He was very family oriented, funny, loving, and wanted to have children.

And after 10 years of still grieving for my aborted child, the thought of having a family, a real family, drew me close to him.

He was in College at the time, in his late 20's, I was 33. I fell head over heals for him.

We dated for about a year, and then I became pregnant with my third child. Upon him finding out I was pregnant, he first demanded for me to abort the baby. Then later changed his mind.

His personality changed rapidly. He was no longer the loving, funny man I knew. He became controlling, even frightening, at times. He told me that my 5 year old son, the baby, and myself, will go live in the Middle East with his family, and that we would become Muslim. (I am a Christian.) He said, we could come back and visit my family occassionally.

After hearing this, I went to a friend's house and told her of what he had planned. The night before my son and I were supposed to “visit” his family in their country, my friend brought me a tape of “Not without my daughter”. This movie impacted me so much that I cancelled my trip, and a few days later had an abortion.

I regret this decision more than anything in the world. I wish I would have trusted God more, and trusted that he would protect my children and me from what I was facing. Instead, I panicked, and went to the clinic.

During the “procedure” I woke up, and being very drowsy, I realized what I was doing. I tried to sit up and stop them. They forced me back down, and said it was “too late”. Till this day, I wonder truly if it was too late.

The above experience has changed me forever. Sure, I can get counseling, and I know through God's love, I am forgiven. The problem is, you never forget.

I have had, in the past, severe bouts of depression where I had to be hospitalized.

And there is not a day that does not go by without missing my kids. They will forever be a part of me, and I, of them.

There is a perpetual lie that is sold to America, now. That lie is “just do it” — make your life easier. The truth is, it never gets easier, the memories never fade. And as long as I live, I will carry the regrets I have with me, on my journey towards healing. Please do not let family or friends go through this tremendous tragedy. It will change the lives of the mother and child forever…

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Lacy (United States)

2003-07-02T22:04:00.004+12:00

My name is Lacy. I will be a sophomore in August, when school starts again.

I am 14 years old. Tomorrow, July 3rd, I will turn 15.

I have been sexually active for over six months, now. I lost my virginity in the back seat of a car, on Friday December 13. His name was Colby, and was a year older than me, and went to a nearby city (where I was about to move to).

I had a very big crush on Colby. I had known about him for a year, and had seen him mess around with girls/my best friends then screw them over, but I didn't care.

I thought if I had sex with him, he would like me more, and we would get serious, and have a relationship.

Well, that didn't happen. He never called me after he took my virginity. In fact, he just told the whole school (the new school I was about to go to).

I was very angry with him, and too nervous to call. I switched schools after the Christmas break, and I started the 2nd semester. I saw him, and he was very sweet to me, and showed me around and walked me to class.

Soon after, we started to have sex again, but never got into a relationship. I thought maybe he wasn't ready for a relationship, but I would wait and just have sex with him until he was ready.

We were very careful, and used protection.

I made cheerleader for the new school, and he said he didn't date cheerleaders - it was his "rule" - but I had been a cheerleader at my last school, that he knew of.

Finally I realized he was only using me for sex, and didn't want a relationship from me, but I liked him so much I didn't care. As long as we were together, I was happy.

He got a girlfriend - a cheerleader at another school about an hour away - and we still continued to have sex.

Then, one day, mid-April, our condom broke. We were both very scared, but luckily I had my period and wasn't pregnant.

I started to talk to other guys after that (still liking Colby very much, we still had sex occasionally, but we didn't tell anybody).

My best friend, Kelly, had an older brother who had already graduated. He had a friend named Eric, who was very attractive. He was a senior when I was a freshman.

I always had a crush on him, but didn't take it anywhere.

On May 13, Kelly and I had smoked marijuana, and called Eric to come get us. He did, and took us to one of his friends houses.

We were very bored, so Eric and I left to get Wataburger for our friends.

We returned two hours later with no food. Instead we had taken a stop at a park and had sex. Our condom broke, and we didn't think much of it.

The next day I went home and had sex with Colby, where our condom broke once again. We didn't think much of that, either.

On June 23, I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. I was very scared because I didn't know which guy to tell.

I decided to tell Colby the baby was his, because, although he was younger than Eric, he was more responsible. I felt like I had made the right decision.

I called him over to my house to talk. I told him the news. He was very mad, and hit me several times, leaving me a black eye (that I told everyone was an accident stunting at cheerleading).

Later that week, he came by my house with flowers and apologized, and promised everything was going to be OK, and that he would stay with me until this was over.

We knew that abortion was our only option because we were both very popular, and very active in sports at school, and our lives would be ruined.

So now Colby will pick me up at 8:00 in the morning, on my birthday, for me to go get an abortion, and kill my baby, that I wasn't even sure was his.

Abortion Story: Nicole* (United States)

2003-07-02T21:55:00.005+12:00

It was 2 weeks after my 22nd birthday when I found out I was pregnant.

I was at my friend's house. She had just gotten finished telling me she was pregnant when I realized I was late. She offered me a pregnancy test since she did not need the extra one she had.

I took the test. It took 5 more tests to make me believe what the first one clearly stated. (I still have every one I took.)

I couldn't believe it. It took me 3 weeks before I could even muster up the courage to tell anyone, besides Heather who was there when I took the test.

I told my roommate about my pregnancy, and she confessed that she'd had an abortion several years earlier, and that it was hard, but she got through it.

I find that difficult to believe, now.

After a lot of personal pep talks, I finally told my best friend, Jimmy. He was shocked.

I was not with the father of the baby. It was only a one night stand with a co-worker of Jimmy and myself. It was an affair, actually — one that I will regret for the rest of my life.

Jimmy told me that it was my decision, but one that could change my life forever, as well as that of the father, and his whole family, and my family. He even went so far as to tell me that my choice could impact the entire police department that we all work at, my father included.

When I finally told the father, the first thing he said was that we would have to be more careful next time.

I could not believe that he was so callous. I told him that I had not made up my mind, yet, and that I did not think I could survive an abortion.

We parted ways and did not speak for a few days.

When we finally spoke again, he insisted that I was not thinking rationally, and that abortion was the only logical decision. He said that he would lose his kids, and I was not being fair. He also told me that another girl he had been with had had one years earlier, and she was fine.

I told him that I could not do it, and our conversation ended badly. After talking to another friend, I decided that I could not go through with it. I was going to have my baby, father or not, financial support, or not.

I did not think that I would tell anyone who the father was, in which case I would not be able to obtain child support.

At this time, I still had not told anyone in my family. I did not want to disappoint my parents, or embarrass them by my carelessness. But, I needed my mother's help moving out of my crummy apartment and into a new one.

I felt guilty about not telling her, and I wanted her to know exactly what she was helping, so I told her. I wanted to tell her more than anything. I was tired of lying to her and carrying this around alone.

I thought she would be upset, but I had no idea just how upset she would be. She was more angry than I had ever seen her in my life. She told me I was ruining my life, and [asked] how could I bring a baby into the world without a father, and a biracial baby at that? She said the baby wouldn't ever fit in. She even got my aunt to come over and tell me that I was crazy to ever consider it.

When I told my dad he said the same thing.

At the same time, I had the father calling me every day, telling me that I couldn't go through with it. I would ruin his life, and his wife would never let him see the kids again.

I considered every option for keeping the baby, but I was so afraid everyone would find out about my terrible choice to have an affair.

I stopped talking to everyone, and the father started stalking me. I could not tell anyone, because I would have to tell the truth about why he would not leave me alone. I could not even tell anyone he threatened me. He told me that I would be sorry, and he would find me if I didn't “handle things”.

Finally, overcome with everything, I consented, and asked my best friend Jimmy to take me to have it done. He made the appointment, and even paid for it, when the father wouldn't help, and I did not have any money.

As I sat in the waiting room crying, I watched all these girls sitting there talking and laughing. I was so confused and hurt that I had to do this. I talked to my stomach and told it I was sorry. I said it over, and over again, hoping the baby would hear me and understand.

They called my name, and I went into an office where the counselor asked me if this was my decision. I lied. I did not want to do it, but I felt I had to. She asked me twice. I lied again. Why didn't she see the look on my face?

They then took me into the room. They brought a sonogram into the room and I told them I could not see it, because, if I did, I would not be able to do it. They made sure I could not see the picture.

She told me I was 13 weeks and 2 days pregnant.

I cried the whole time I was in that room. The nurse told me she had to show me the instruments, but I did not look at them.

Then the doctor came in. He told me it would not hurt, and he gave me some sort of twilight medication. Then they sucked my baby and the light right out of me. I cried over the sound of the vacuum, but I will never forget that noise.

That was January 16, 2003. That was over 5 months ago. It did not hurt, not nearly as much as I think it should have. I felt like I should have paid a lot more for my choice. And I realize now that I am.

Jimmy took me home, and I lay in bed for days. I didn't eat or shower. I couldn't bring myself to go back to work for a couple weeks. I even bought myself a ring with the baby's would-be birthstone as a reminder of what I will never have.

When I went back for my checkup they put me in the same room as when I had the “procedure”. I was hysterical again.

When the doctor opened my chart, I saw a picture of the sonogram they had taken that day. The day I let them kill my baby. I told them to kill my baby.

They then offered me birth control, and I went on my way. Everyone I told said they understood. My mother said she understood, she had had a miscarriage. I told her she had no clue. Her baby was taken away. I murdered mine. I lie about it still. I tell people I miscarried. I cannot admit that I did that, nobody will understand.

My friends, who were pregnant with me, have had their babies, and I am alone. The father wants to get back with me, and I have actually considered it.

I am now more of an opponant to abortion than I ever was. However, I would not take someone's choice away. I just think that awareness is important. I could never do that again, and will regret this heartless decision for the rest of my life.

Every day I pray that my child will forgive me, and that maybe one day, I will forgive myself.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Kim (Australia)

2003-06-29T21:52:00.002+12:00

I was 21 when I had an abortion at 7 weeks.

I had a two year old son, and had just recently separated from his father after 6 years.

After our separation, I had a one night stand with a man I met at a night club. It was fun, but it was not worth the years of hell I would go through.

I remember feeling ill one night, and also that my breasts had been very sore. I started to panic. I went to the supermarket, and brought a test. Needless to say, it was postive. I was scared, shocked and confused.

A range of emotions ran through me for the next week. Terror, excitement, fear.

I decided I needed to tell the father of the baby to help me make my decision. The following Saturday, I went to the night club, where we had met, and the first thing I saw was him feeling up and kissing a girl on the dance floor.

I knew then that I would not tell him, and I would not have the baby.

I rang several clinics the next day, and my best friend, who supported me through the decision.

My friend drove me to the clinic the next day, where I was met by a cousellor and doctor who took some blood work.

The counsellor spoke to me for about 10 minutes, but didn't really seem interested when I told her I was not sure about the procedure. Deep down, I know I should have turned and ran from that horrible room and never looked back, but I didn't. The counsellor told me that if I wasn't sure, then I “wouldn't be here.”

I was taken to a room, and put on a gown. I was given a sedative. I was crying so hard.

I kept thinking of my son, and the baby. I hated myself for what I was doing. But, I went through with it.

I woke up thinking, “what have I done?” I knew what I had done was permanent, and I could not turn back. I was given a prescription for the Pill, and sent on my way.

I cried everyday for almost a year. On my baby's due date, I cried harder. I realise now, that if I had of asked for a bit more support, my baby would be alive today. I still feel guilt, and I will regret the decision I made, forever.

Today, 4 years later, I have a beautiful baby boy who is almost one, and I am four months pregnant. I am married to a wonderful man, and I am happy. I only hope God and my baby have forgiven me. But, I shall never forgive myself.

Abortion Story: Marie* (Philippines)

2003-06-28T21:48:00.002+12:00

I had my first baby when I was 17.

My parents would have killed me for what I've done. But still, my parents forgave me, and gave me another chance. They sent me back to school again, and I finished my studies. I got my degree.

After my graduation, I had difficulty on finding a job; I had a great problem paying my bills until I found a job. I was so happy and very relieved that my life would be easier, now, because I will have a job to support my daughter and to pay my bills. At that time, all I am thinking is how I will be comfortable with my life. Until I discovered that I was pregnant, again, with my second child.

Of course the first thing that came into my mind was abortion because having a baby at that time was a hindrance to having a job, and so I did it.

I was 7 weeks pregnant. I took 21 Cytotec [tablets] and some medicines that would kill the baby.

At first, I felt that I did the right thing, but as time goes on, I feel very guilty for what I've done and I'm still suffering from that guilt.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Patty (Canada)

2003-05-29T21:44:00.003+12:00

About a year ago, I got pregnant. Both my boyfriend and I were not ready yet, so we decided on getting an abortion.

About a week later we went to the hospital. I cried all the way there.

On our way upstairs to the waiting room, I had doubts. I didn't know if this was what I really wanted to do. After they gave me some pills, to help me calm down, I was fine, and went through with it.

All I remember was lying on a hospital bed, in so much pain, and crying. All I wanted to do was go home. So we left.

When we got home, everything seemed a little better, until a couple days later.

I was in the shower, and I felt somthing slip down my leg. I ignored it, thought it was nothing. Then it happened again, but felt even bigger. When I looked down, all I saw was blood, large blood clots.

I called the doctor right away, and waited in the hospital room for almost eight hours. Finally, after eight hours, I had to pee. When I was done, I turned around to flush the toilet and it was full of blood.

When I told the doctors, they thought I might have had twins. They checked to see if everything was OK, and it was. A couple of days later, I started getting bladder infections constantly… was it caused by the abortion?

After a month, or two, I was still getting them. Then, finally, my lab reports came back negative. So what was it, then? Well, I went to another hospital and the doctor there told me I had cysts on my ovaries. Another doctor told me my uterus was smaller than usual, but did nothing about it — no tests, nothing.

It's now been a year, and a couple of months. I've seen over a dozen doctors, and I still don't have any information on what's wrong with me. I don't know if it's a tear in my uterus, or my tubes are blocked. My gynaecologist doesn't see a reason to perform any other tests.

Thank you for reading my story.

Abortion Story: Jasmine* (Unites States)

2003-05-13T21:41:00.002+12:00

I was twenty five weeks pregnant when my parents and the baby's father forced me into an unwanted abortion.

I was sixteen, and even through they put in the “twilight shot”, I awoke from it, during the procedure, and can remember some things that happened.

I named my daughter Angel, since I loved her very much, and while she was in my womb I got to know her very well.

I miss her dearly.

I am now seventeen, married, and pregnant, and I will not have an abortion.

I hope one day God can forgive me.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Emily (Canada)

2003-04-29T20:17:00.002+12:00

Abortion nearly killed me.

My name is Emily, and I am 22 years old.

Last year I became pregnant by my fiancé. I was scared, but excited. He was just scared.

He told me he thought abortion would be the best option right now, we weren't even married yet, timing was wrong, we had our whole lives ahead of us to have children.

I didn't want to, but I could see his point. Neither of us really knew much about abortion, and our doctor didn't tell us much, either.

We made the appointment. We went on the day. My legs were weak, and I felt like throwing up. My fiancé looked pale, and didn't say a word the entire drive there. I think we both knew then that it was a bad idea.

We filled out forms, were ushered into a waiting room full of other scared, sad looking people. It was very hushed in there, quiet and lulled.

We waited in that room for an hour and a half. Finally we were taken into the “counselling room” where we were just advised of the potential for danger, but made to think it was very rare and nearly impossible.

There was really no counselling at all, It was just their way of covering legal issues.

I signed the waiver. They brought me into another room for an ultrasound.

My head was spinning, my body was all tense, and I remember thinking, “there's no way they'll let me see that picture, there's just no way.” But, they did, they left it right there on my file, open. How could I not look?

I jumped when the nurse touched me. She looked annoyed and advised me to take a sedative to calm down. She gave me Ativan, and literally stood over me while I took it.

I was very scared, my fiancé was told to wait in the waiting room. No one told me Ativan harms your baby. No one said to me, “you cannot turn back after this.” They just pumped me full of drugs and pushed me into the next room.

I had managed not to cry, yet. In the next room they told me to undress and put on the hospital gown. They gave me a blanket to stay warm.

I wanted to run, but the door locks behind you — for security, they say.

They then brought me into another room — the room. I looked at the table, I couldn't move. The nurse asked me to get up on the table, I did. She asked me to lay down, I did. She put my legs in the stirrups and I began to cry.

She called in another nurse. The other nurse was to distract me while I was given the sulphur drugs. I sat up, I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe, the nurse tried to console me but I began to shake. She asked me if I wanted to go home. She was the first person to ask me, and I thought, “this is my chance to leave, she is my gaurdian angel.” Then she said, “we can give you some Ativan to take home, you can take them for a few days and then come back, you will be more relaxed.”

I felt a dread overcome me, and I realized she didn't want to help me at all, she wanted to pacify me, and make her job easier.

I was terrified at this point. The drugs were in so fast, and it all happened so fast, I never once stopped crying.

I couldn't cope afterwards, I had a hemorrhage, fever, I was in and out of the emergency room for days. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. I cried until I would throw up or pass out from fatigue.

When I did sleep, I had terrible nightmares. I would wake up screaming and shaking. I started to see the baby in my house, haunting me. I was preoccupied with death. I wanted to die, to end the hurt.

My friends began to desert me. My fiancé developed an ulcer, started getting panic attacks, missing work to be with me because he was so scared I would kill myself. He blamed himself for it all. I had to be medicated and eventually, hospitalized for severe depression.

My parents were a wreck, it took me months to pull out of it. Medication, counselling, group sessions, journals, family support and even to this day, I'm not my old self. I never will be.

If I could have seen into the future, I would have never done it. It ruined my entire life, and nearly killed me. I had no idea.

Abortion Story: Connie* (United States)

2003-04-19T20:10:00.002+12:00

My baby would have been born this past March 2003, but he — I know the baby was a boy — never got the chance to be born due to the decision that I made and can never take back.

Writing this is difficult. I have tears in my eyes.

At the time that I found out I was pregnant, I was getting high everyday. I had a very young child. She was one year, 10 months. The baby's father had left me, and I was in a deep depression. To make ends meet, I danced.

My best friend at that time — Cindy — was the only person I confided in. At the time, I remember coming back from the clinic and Cindy knew. Cindy quickly took out the phone book — yellow pages — and opened it up to the abortion clinic. She called and I spoke on the phone. The appointment was made.

I member Cindy telling me, “we all go through it”. The appointment was set up in a week.

The father didn't want it, and I felt lost. Drugs helped cope with this. I didn't like feeling the pain.

Cindy told me that she would take me to the clinic. When the time came. No one was there for me. I drove myself there, and back home. I was alone. Cindy told me she was angry, and wasn't there for me, because of my intonation on the phone the night before, so that's why she didn't drive me.

I still see the ultrasound picture the nurse took. I was only 5 weeks when I had the abortion.

My daughter is the only person in my life. I know the baby I would have had would have been a blessing, but I'll never get the chance to see him, hold him, or kiss him.

I regret my decision to terminate. I feel its the woman's decision, but my decision I can never take back.

I'll never know how my baby looked, or the cute faces he would have made.

Please, protect yourselves so unplanned pregnancies aren't as frequent as they are.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Jamie* (United States)

2003-04-10T19:58:00.003+12:00

Hello, this is my story, written from a 3rd person point of view. It seemed too real to write “I.” Thanks for reading, and I hope this helps women everywhere.

The Beginning of the End

It was January 9, 2003 and Christmas break was almost over. They had decided that the best thing to do was have an abortion.

They were 18 and 19, unstable, and very selfish. She had gone over to her ex-boyfriend's dorm room the night before the procedure to spend the night.

Her parents, family, and friends still had no idea about the battle going on inside her head. Her ex was ready to get it over with and move on with his life, and she was completely devastated as to what she was about to go through with.

They woke up that morning around 9:30am and got ready to leave around 10:45am.

It was an hour's drive to the clinic, and they were a little late getting there. She got really sick on the way there and she was secretly hoping they would miss the appointment so she wouldn't have to go through with it.

Well, to her dismay, they arrived shortly after 12:00 [noon], and started filling out the paperwork.

She looked around the waiting room and saw all kinds of girls, many of whom she would have never identified with until meeting in that room on that terrible day.

Some seemed to have no remorse and some were very upset. She still did not know what to think and tried to block out all the bad feelings.

As she went through the blood test, urine test, ultrasound, etc, she knew she was making a mistake.

She found out that she was 10 weeks, 4 days along, a lot farther than she had expected. She was told she would have a surgical abortion, and had to watch a video on what, exactly, they would be doing. She could barely watch. She didn't want to know what was about to happen to her. She just wanted to run out of that horrible place.

Each time she considered leaving, she thought about her ex, sitting out in the waiting room in the shirt she had just given him for Christmas, looking so cute and innocent. She thought about how hard he had worked for his full ride in college, and how much he had overcome in life. She couldn't imagine disappointing him, or ruining his future, so she told herself she was doing the right thing.

After sitting in the waiting room for about 3 hours, they called her name for counseling. She was really dreading it because she knew she couldn't handle talking about it. When the counselor told her to repeat these words, “I am confident about my decision to have the abortion,” she lost it. She said them out loud, but without any meaning at all. The counselor knew she didn't want to do it, and just looked at her with the saddest face. She finally calmed herself down, and acted OK with her decision so she could leave the room.

She prayed each time she walked back out to the waiting room that her ex would say, “Never mind, I want our baby,” but unfortunately that never happened.

About 30 more minutes went by and her name was called. She walked back to the operating room in total fear, her body numb, and she couldn't speak.

As she laid on that cold table, she had flashbacks of her wonderful childhood and said “goodbye” to the happy, innocent girl she once was. This was it, and there was no turning back.

The nurses, who were quite unfriendly, struggled to get the IV in, and she just lay there in shock hoping it was a nightmare she'd soon wake up from. The last song she heard on the old radio in the corner, “Life Goes On” by LeeAnn Rimes is now a frequent reminder of that painful experience.

As she was drifting off to sleep, she saw the doctor come in, and then she felt his rough hands on her body. She was moving around and wanted to yell at him to make him stop, but nothing came out, only echoing cries deep within her soul. She begged God to make it all end, but it was too late. She had not stood up for herself, or her baby, and she would regret it for the rest of her life. She could hear and feel everything that was going on, and the pain was unbearable. She was struggling so much and all the nurses were yelling at her and holding her down.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, it was all over. She woke up to a bright spinning room and instantly felt the emptiness inside her. She walked out to the recovery room with a nurse's help and sat in a recliner. She was still really drugged up but was in a lot of pain. It was after 5:00pm when she finally got to leave that day, and the waiting room was empty except for her ex.

As she walked toward the only familiar face she'd seen in hours, she realized that her relationship with him would never ever be the same. They could never be that perfect couple they had been only 9 months before at her senior prom. She knew they'd never get back together again and he could not give her the support she needed.

Her heart began to ache at that moment, and it has not stopped aching since. That once beautiful, intelligent, and talented girl can now barely get herself out of bed in the morning, she can't see her ex anymore because he has moved on with a new girlfriend. She has a deep emotional attachment for the father of her baby that was lost, her parents have disowned her, and many of her friends have turned their backs on her. And all because she made a big mistake and tried to take the easy way out.

Little did she know that it would be much harder than facing the consequences of her actions.

January 9, 2003 was an end to a seemingly perfect life filled with love, happiness, and hope for the future, and the beginning of a downward spiral and a never-ending battle to be herself again. She lives day to day with the reality that she can never go back to the way things were, and that in one day she lost the 2 people she loved most.

Put simply, it was the beginning of the end to an amazing life.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Pam* (United States)

2003-02-26T19:46:00.003+13:00

It was the summer of '84, I was 17 years old at the time. I was dating an older guy whom I'd had a huge crush on for months. I thought he was just everything. We both were into partying and drugs, and spent all of our dates getting high.

I had been sexually active since the young age of 13, and had never been on any type of birth control.

After a couple months of dating this guy I noticed that I wasn't having my period. I never really kept up with it, so I wasn't sure how far behind I was, but I knew that I needed to start. I began spotting just a tiny amount of blood and thought for sure my period was soon to come. It wasn't.

One morning, before school, I felt fine and was thirsty. So I got myself an orange soda pop from the fridge. I took a couple drinks and began to feel like I was going to vomit. I ran to the bathroom and vomited it back up. I then knew that I was more than likely pregnant, but for some reason, I was in complete denial.

I live in a very small town and told a couple of my close friends of my fear of being pregnant. Soon it was all over school.

I went to the local health department for a test, and of course it came out positive. I was completely frozen with fear. I was afraid of how my mother would react if she found out. She and I had a terrible relationship at the time and I knew I couldn't share this with her. I was probably around 6 or 8 weeks by this time.

I told my boyfriend and he reacted in disbelief, like maybe it was someone else's, and that hurt me so badly.

Like I said, I was afraid of my mother's reaction, but much more so than her, I feared my grandmother most of all. She had raised me in church, with high morals and values. I just knew that I would definitely be disowned and thrown out of my family. It was the most horrible time of my life. I was completely torn. I was so afraid of everything, I just wanted to wake up from this horrible dream. I didn't have anyone that I could turn to for advice.

I had an older cousin who lived in a town a couple hours from my home. I called her and told her of what was going on. She agreed to help me with an abortion. I went to visit her, and she must have had a change of heart because she said that we had to tell my mother. I let her break the news to her. They decided that I'd go back the next week for an abortion. My mother didn't even ask me what I wanted to do, she just decided this was best.

On the long ride back home to our house from my cousin's, she didn't speak a word to me, she was very angry with me. I felt most horrible, like scum. One thing that really bugs me about it was that I know in my heart that my mother secretly knew that I was pregnant and didn't try to help me. She was there the morning I got sick and vomited the soda, she was making comments on my weight gain, and just before I made the first trip to my cousin's, she bought me a brand new sweat pant set, she could see that all my clothes were tight fitting around my abdomen. I know that she knew I was going to my cousin's for an abortion, a secret abortion. Why couldn't she just have talked with me about all this? Maybe we could have prevented this mess. If I'd have had just a little support from her, I don't believe I'd have had the abortion. Sounds like I'm projecting blame, and maybe I am, but heck she was my mom! I was a child, practically.

About a week later my mother took me to my cousin's where she then drove us to a small clinic. I honestly had been in such a denial of all this, I didn't know how far along I was. We went in for the procedure and I was given a sedative, Valium. Then I went in for an ultrasound to find out exactly how far along I was.

Turns out I was too far along for the facility. I was crying my heart out, it was awful. I was projected to be at around 14 weeks at this point. We then had to make another appointment in a town about an hour from this town. So my mother and I left my cousin's home coming back to our town again. We never once, not even one time, spoke of this pregnancy. She wouldn't talk with me hardly at all about anything. It was so awful, I felt like I was the most horrible sinner in the world.

The morning of the abortion was finally here and we went to this huge clinic with my cousin. There just happen to be a woman and her daughter there from our town, how ironic is that? She was getting an abortion, too. I was so ashamed, even though I knew that they were there for the same reason we were, I was still filled with shame and so depressed.

I have to believe that I've blocked some of this day out of my memory, so I'll just share with you all what I can. I was sent to a room filled with about 20 other women waiting for their turns. No one was talking much, it was very somber in this room. One young girl began to talk with me. She shared that this was her 3rd abortion and she was just so calm about this all, she even seemed cheerful. I could not understand this girl at all.

Then it came time for me to talk with the counselor. She was a pretty lady and she was very nice. She did talk to me about most of what was happening, but I still had no idea of what this was going to do to me, both physically and emotionally. All I could think of was that my grandmother would disown me if I told her that I was pregnant, so I told the lady that I had to go through with it. She didn't try to change my mind on the issue, she just urged me to go along with what I thought was best.

It was an all day wait. This was a huge clinic that performed well over a hundred abortions a day. I had all day long to dread over this, and I was dreading it more and more as time kept going by.

Finally they put some of us on gurneys and wheeled us to a room just outside the operating room. They started an IV in my arm and told me to relax. I was so exhausted, I drifted off to sleep. When I awoke, they were just getting ready for me. I laid there and began to panic, I thought that there was no way that I could do this, I could not kill my baby! But then the image of my grandma would pop right back into my head and I knew that she wouldn't ever have anything more to do with me as long as I lived… (of course now, when it's too late, I know that I was wrong). It was awful, this was probably my first panic attack and it was horrid.

All I remember from then on is that I was wheeled into the operating room, the doctors were joking and trying to make me relax and there was music in the background. They gave me something in my IV and soon I was out like a light.

The next thing I remember was waking up and in pain with lots of blood on me. I got myself cleaned up and went back out to meet with my mother and cousin. I was actually the very last abortion of the day. That was God giving me all that time to back out, to do the right thing, but I didn't…

My grandmother never did find out the truth, but we've had conversations since concerning abortion and teen pregnancy. She tells me that if she'd ever had a girl that had gotten pregnant that she would have stood behind her and never would have allowed her to have an abortion. I guess I'll never know.

Since the abortion, in all of God's goodness and glory, He's completely forgiven me of this most horrible act. He's even blessed me with two beautiful and most healthy children… But… psychologically, emotionally and physically I am a wreck!

I have so many health issues I don't know where to begin. I was never sick a day before the abortion, could go anywhere and do anything I wanted anytime I wanted to. But since the abortion I've gone from bad to worse. I have lower abdominal pain constantly, in which the doctor's have no cure for. I have panic attacks and can't travel. And worse than all of this is the fact that I have to live with the decision that I made all those years ago. I have to live with the shame and guilt of that decision. Although I know that I'm truly forgiven by God, I cannot seem to forgive myself. I'll always wonder what my baby would have looked like and I think about this child most every day of my life now.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Bryanna* (United States)

2003-02-25T19:28:00.002+13:00

I was so in love. Thought he was too. That's why I wasn't concerned with condoms or getting my Depo shot. We knew it was going to happen, but it didn't really hit me until I saw the two lines on that little white stick. I was pregnant.

At first I just cried, out of excitement, fear, etc.. We had planning to do.

Little did I realize our "bundle of joy" wouldn't exactly fit into his plans. He became distant, moody, down right rude. He accused me of cheating; this child wasn't his. It got so bad, I left.

I figured, "Hey, I may only be 20, but I can do this."

I would talk with my friend for hours, but I was convinced to have this baby. Maybe she had a lot to do with my decision, maybe not, but after about a week I found myself looking on the internet and in the phone book for abortion clinics in my area. I found one, and within that day my insurance was accepted, and I had an appointment in a week.

I pushed it out of my mind, and thought, "If I can just be strong, once it's all over, I'll be ok." Wrong.

I was in that waiting room forever, with her and my mother. All my friends and family knew I was pregnant. I had to come up with a good "miscarriage" story. I found out that day I was almost 4 months.

When the nurse was talking to me, my folder was open wide, and I saw the sonogram pictures. I saw the child, in detail, I was about to murder.

My mom went in the room with me. I got an I.V., and the next thing I knew, I was waking up, crying hysterically.

The doctor yelled at me because I was scaring the other patients.

The drugs wore off quickly. I only spent 15 minutes in recovery. I went home and slept.

When I woke up, that's when it hit me. I am a murderer, why am I not in prison?

My life fell apart, and even though I had a very nice boyfriend, it wasn't enough.

I didn't value my life. I was sleeping around, unprotected. Guess what? Uh huh, pregnant again. No clue who the father was since I had slept with a different guy every night that week.

I thought, "You know what you have to do."

My boyfriend was away with the Marines. I couldn't keep this baby, it's not his, and he'd know it.

The same friend came with me to the 2nd appointment, but had to leave to go to work.

I thought, "I'm early enough, I'll just take the pill this time, it'll be a lot easier." Wrong again.

You are fully awake, and you have the power. You take the pill. Then you go home and have to insert more, so you can lay around and feel and see your unborn child bleed out of you.

It has been a year since the 2nd one, and I cannot begin to describe the thoughts that still haunt me. I feel guilty, dirty, slutty. I killed 2 innocent babies.

I have been to therapy, didn't really help. It got so bad I spent 2 days in a nut house scared to death of what I was going to do to myself.

I know I am not alone. But I wish I had visited this site before I visited the one for the abortion clinic.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Karen* (Jamaica)

2003-02-03T19:15:00.001+13:00

Well, for the very first time in my life I am admitting it: I have had 2 abortions.

Thanks to God I am still alive. I never had the heart to tell anyone about this, not even the guy who fathered my children at the time.

The first time I was only 15 years old. Just dropped out of high school, had no work and living with my aunt and her 4 children.

I honestly didn't know how I was to take care of my child without making a complete mess of everything. My mother had me when she was 20 and even then she was too young. She is still too young; never took responsibility for me and my brothers and sister and as the oldest I had to make something out of my life so I could take care of them. How could I take care of my child when I couldn't even take care of myself yet?

I had so many dreams, I needed to achieve so many things, and there was no way I could handle a child. It was difficult, but I persuaded myself to have that abortion. I knew it was wrong in the eyes of God. I knew I couldn't raise a child without any resources.

My family would have killed me if they found out I was pregnant and my 33 year old boyfriend would have wanted me to have the baby. He would have taken it from me, and worst of all, abortions are illegal in my country.

I really didn't know what to do and, at that time, I thought it was the best thing, so I did it. I made an appointment with a doctor who had done an abortion for someone I knew.

Well, the truth is, I don't remember the details of that day. All I know is, I was lying on that bed with my legs wide apart and he was busy inside my womb.

It was the most excruciating pain I had ever felt. I thought I was going to die, it really hurt.

After that I swore I would never have unprotected sex unless I was 100% sure I wanted a child, and I never did, not once more without a condom.

That is why, 2 years later, I couldn't understand why I missed my period.

Well, I bought a pregnancy test, and, oh yes, I was going to be a mommy.

The situation had not changed much by now. I had a job, but not much money and, so, once again I decided to do it, this time with a lot more regret than the first.

I had a different doctor who sedated me. When I woke up, he told me it was over and I could expect some light bleeding for a few days. I got some medication and went home.

I was really weak and my belly hurt, but not as much as the first time.

That night I was lying in bed and the pain became more severe. I was bleeding a lot and my vagina hurt I had to go to the toilet.

I pulled down my underwear and sat on the toilet. I noticed the my sanitary napkin was completely soaked so I started to remove it from my underwear when I saw a piece of bone.

For a moment I didn't know what to think. I took it in my hand… there was flesh on it. It was my baby… I just killed my baby. Oh, my God, I thought the pain from the abortion was bad. But, the pain I felt in my heart and the pain I have continued to feel, was and is the worst thing ever. I just wanted to die. There was no way I could live with myself after this.

I had to go back to the doctor for a post examination, but I thought it was better if it killed me. I didn't want to be looked after.

I bled for days without caring. My grandma saw me one day and told me I needed to go to the doctor. Until this day I don't know why she had that idea, but, even though I refused over and over again, she kept on insisting. She took me to the doctor. I was really weak, and tired.

At the doctor's office, I went in alone. He told me he had to clean out my uterus. I really didn't care. I told him he had to put me to sleep again, otherwise I couldn't let him do it.

He did. So, once again, I slept through it.

When I woke up, my grandma was still waiting for me outside. We never spoke about it and she never asked any questions except if I was gonna be alright.

After that day I always knew something was wrong with me. I was not the same anymore. I did not care anymore about anyone or anything, not even myself.

I just wanted to disappear from this life. I tried to take my own life a few times without success, I guess somewhere, deep down, I still needed to live.

My belly never felt the same anymore, and I was convinced I could never conceive again.

The odour and my vaginal fluids changed. No matter how often I showered, I had a foul scent. It smelled like I was decaying from inside.

At first I did not care, then I met this guy, fell in love and got married. Before I could start having unprotected sex with him I just had to make sure we did not have any STDs.

We went to the doctor and I had all those tests done, they were all negative. So that was not why I smelled so bad.

Well, he wanted a child, and I thought I would also have felt better if I had a baby too. We tried for months and nothing happened, so we went to a fertility clinic overseas.

I didn't really tell them what happened to me before, I could not admit it to my husband. So, I said I have had a miscarriage. Well, they believed me.

They investigated all sorts of stuff to find out why I was not getting pregnant. During those examinations they did an ultrasound. I could see my uterus and while everything looked ok, there was this white spot that bothered me.

I asked the doctor what it was, and she said it was nothing, probably just a scar from my miscarriage. They concluded that I was fertile since I produced my eggs on time and all my hormones were normal. They said to just keep trying.

I was convinced there was more to it than that. I knew my body, and something was wrong. That was about 4 years ago.

Well, I still don't know how to react towards it. About a week ago, my menstruation was unusually heavy and just like seven years ago… there was a piece of bone on my sanitary napkin. I still don't know how to react, it is like seeing a piece of my dead baby again. It really rips me apart and the fact that I carried it around so long in my body horrifies me. But, the scent from my vagina has disappeared, and I have strange hope inside of me. The kind of hope that says… You have paid the price for your sins now it is time to move on.

Thank you God for forgiving me and giving me another chance. I have a feeling I can get pregnant again, and now I am ready. I am gonna be the best mommy in the world.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Jessie (United States)

2003-02-01T19:10:00.001+13:00

June 1999:

I was 18 years old when I had my abortion. I was 8 weeks along. I was engaged to be married to a wonderful guy. But, I was diagnosed with manic-depression, and had been taking psychiatric medications when I found out I was pregant.

I was told that my medications could harm the baby and possibly give him or her birth defects.

My baby already had a chance of getting a mental illness from me in it's genes, therefore I did not want to make it's life any worse. So, I chose to have an abortion.

At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing for my baby.

Now, I'm 22 yrs old and, if I had given birth to my baby, it would have been 3 years old by now because of it's due date.

I've recently starting to regret my decision I made back then. I wish I could take back the abortion and keep my baby. I could have been a mother. I think about my unborn child all the time. I feel an extreme amount of sadness, guilt, and shame for killing my baby. I feel that a part of me is missing now.

My husband says he feels I did the right thing considering my health at the time and the effects my medications could have had on the developing baby inside of me back then.

But still I wonder, "what if?" How does a mother forgive herself?

Abortion Story: Samantha* (United States)

2002-12-13T16:31:00.004+13:00

I was 14 when I got pregnant for the first time.

My mother said,"If you don't get an abortion I will put him in jail." I told her she can do what ever she wants, but I wasn't going to kill my baby.

About one week later, she told me I had a doctor's appointment. I went not suspecting a thing.

The doctor said he had to put me to sleep to check my ears. I knew he was lieing, so I got up and tried to leave, but to my surprise his goons were waiting outside the door.

When I woke up I started crying because I knew what had been done. I left my home that night and haven't returned.

I can't stop thinking about the baby I would have had. Not one day has gone by where I don't cry, especially now.

Being pregnant only makes me wonder if there was something I could have done. I am now 16, and 5 months pregnant. I am due on April 10, 2003. I have never been happier.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Sallysusie* (United States)

2002-12-07T16:28:00.002+13:00

I was raped by Steve, and I had been fertilized.

I had to have an abortion, and it was very depressing.

He was the nastiest guy I've every seen, and I tried to stop him: him and his small dick.

* Not her real name

Abortion Story: Ally (New Zealand)

2002-11-22T16:25:00.003+13:00

I had just started off in a new relationship. I already had a 5-month-old baby daughter.

Two months later, I started to have all the signs of pregnancy, but I kept it to myself for about 3 weeks. Once the morning sickness started, I decided it was time to go and have a pregnancy test done.

By the time I had the test done, I was 6 weeks into the pregnancy. I felt happy at the time.

Then I told the father, and everything went down from there. He did not want a child, and asked me, honestly did I want another so soon?

I thought about it for another week, then decided it was wrong to have another child as I already had a 5 month old and didn’t think I could cope with two toddlers.

So the decision was made.

I went back to the doctor’s where he referred me through to Greenlane Hospital’s abortion clinic. The date was then set. It was to be Friday 13th August 1999.

The morning that I went to the clinic, I remember walking in and seeing a lot of other women there — all for the same reason I was. It was horrible.

Then I got handed two lots of pills to take. One was a sedative, and the other to soften up the cervix. Once I had taken these, I knew there was no turning back.

Next thing I remember is the nurse coming into my cubicle. It was my turn for a termination, and that’s when it hit me.

I couldn’t stop crying through the whole procedure. My partner didn’t even come along with me. Instead, it was my best friend’s partner who held my hand through it all.

After they had finished, I was escorted back to my bed for about half an hour. All I did there was cry and cry, and think about how selfish I was to do this sort of thing.

I went home about an hour later, and was still very saddened by what I had done. I did, however, bring home the foetus and bury it under a shrub in the garden, sort of my way of grieving.

Not long after that, I became very withdrawn and didn’t even want to spend time with my daughter — all through guilt of what I had done.

My mother ended up making me go back to the doctor, as she was worried about me. He told me I was clinically depressed. More than likely it was brought on by me having the termination.

If I could turn back time, I would have thought about it a lot more, and maybe my decision would have been different.

I’m not saying that termination is a bad thing, and don’t do it. All I’m saying is that it is something that you really need to think through properly before going ahead, and make sure you have heaps of support. Mentally you can really suffer from it if you don’t think through it properly.